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I Return With A Report On My Ass
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Country Offline
#1 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 4:37 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
I will preface this story with: Just because you have been referred to an "Ass Doctor" does not in fact mean that said doctor isn't female. You should have seen my face when this revelation hit home.

4:30pm I am sitting in room 3 on the third floor of Erlanger Medical Center. The Ass-floor. I am surrounded by patients with similar problems. To put it simply, these are my kind of people.

4:32pm I just farted; it felt like I crapped a cantaloupe.

4:38pm "Dr. Moore" just came in. She's hot. Just over 1,000,000 things are now going through my head. None of them good and most of them making me panic a bunch.

4:40pm Dr. Moore asked me to go to the bathroom before we got started. I assume that before she runs test #1 she wants to make sure that she isn't about to be crapped on. Reasonable request. I comply.

4:45pm I'm sitting in the office bathroom trying to make poo-pee when there is a knock on the door. I kindly say "someones in here". The door opens anyway. It's Dr. Moore. Apparently I'm not preparing for test #1...... this is test #1.

4:46pm I try frantically to make my **** look bigger. I fail miserably.

4:49pm Dr. Moore has a long stick with a mirror on it (old man pervert looking up woman's skirts style). She asks me to shift to the front of the toilet seat while she puts her mirror stick in the back of the toilet bowl.

4:50pm Dr. Moore asks me to "push like I'm trying to get one out." She than asks me to "squeeze like I'm holding one in." We are both uncomfortable with what she said. We don't say anything else to each other.

4:52pm I never get to poop, It was a trick.

4:55pm Doc brings me into a room where there is an alter looking bench and she asks me to kneel down. I think this is an appropriate time to pray, so I do it.

4:57pm While kneeling on the alter, my upper torso is hanging over. The devise than turns upside down and my head is on the ground and my ass is in the air.

4:58pm My pride is right beside my head on the ground. It looks at me with disappointment.

5:00pm Dr. Moore puts enough things in my **** to make Mattie_B uncomfortable.

5:05pm Dr. Moore tells me that my sphincter is extraordinarily tight.

5:05pm I tell Dr. Moore thank you.

5:06pm Dr. Moore tells me she can't do the test she needs because of my tight sphincter and that I need to have surgery on Monday so that she can cut my **** to allow it to stretch and allow access for the tests. She thinks this in of itself is a lot of the reason for the problems that I'm having but needs to get past it to see if their are problems further up my ass.

5:07pm I'm worried about Doc turning my cheerio into a doughnut.

5:10pm Dr. Moore flips me back right side up. I will preface the next part of this story with there hasn't been blood in my legs for 15 minutes and suddenly it's all about to leave my head.

5:11pm I fall out like the best man of an "Americas Funniest Video's" wedding.

5:13pm I am humiliated even more than having my ass spread like a pork chop.

5:15pm I make my way to another room where we schedule Monday's surgery.

5:20pm I drive home thinking of the irony that in a few days I will have someone literally "rip me a new ****".

And that is that guys. It continues. Now there are only two things on my mind. 1) What will doc find when she gets past my tight ****: hopefully nothing cancerish. and 2) what if she cuts too much and I have a drippy **** the rest of my life.

To Be Continued...

[email protected] Offline
#2 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 4:41 PM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
... my condolences ...

... I've had that surgery ... complete internals (upper & lower) and externals removed ...

... I felt like a Gorilla was shaking his fist in my a-hole all day long for like a month ...


Advice: Pick up a few gallons of ice cream before your surgery ... nice to have for after the surgery ... any flavor works ... you're not eating it ... you're putting it in a ziplock bag and pressing into the crack of your b-hole to help numb the pain ...
JadeRose Offline
#3 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 4:41 PM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
Brother Country....I am truly sorry this is happening to you...with that said, let me also say...ROTFFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HockeyDad Offline
#4 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 4:45 PM EST
Joined: 09-20-2000
Posts: 46,117
I don't even know where to start. At least you're taking it all in stride.
JadeRose Offline
#5 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 4:47 PM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
Brother.....I am seriously not laughing at you. I can honestly say I would be terrified and I wish you nothing but the best. Your telling of the story was very funny, though.
Country Offline
#6 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 4:48 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
Jade, I need you to laugh. It's when everyone's face is serious that I know there's a problem. I appreciate you helping me joke about it.

Country
Country Offline
#7 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 5:03 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
Jimmy, I hear ya, brother. I'm just ready for this to be over.

Country
bsevern Offline
#8 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 5:05 PM EST
Joined: 07-24-2006
Posts: 8,062
Country you need to preface that oratory visit to the anals of medicine with a precursor warning not to be drinking and reading at the same time - LMAO!!

Best of luck in your sphincter adventures.
lou2row Offline
#9 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 5:11 PM EST
Joined: 12-22-2006
Posts: 9,995
This just is too hard to believe Country.

You've been a perfect ass as long as I've known you.

I had to laugh through your story; you told it very well. Hope things go well with the surgery Bro.


Your not going to do one of those threads,"Keep your thoughts and prayers on my ass" are you?
chiefburg Offline
#10 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 5:19 PM EST
Joined: 01-31-2005
Posts: 7,384
I just read this aloud to my wife. I had to stop several times to wipe the tears from my eyes (tears of laughter). I nearly fell out of the chair. My wife almost fell off the couch.

That's the funniest ass story I've ever read.















Oh, sorry for your shame (not really)
rfenst Offline
#11 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 5:21 PM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,245
Dude,

The next time I have the guts to go back to my surgeon and continue to complain about my ongoing ass problems, he's going to schedule me for surgery. I do not look forward to that and keep putting off going to see him every time I have a flair-up. You are closer to surgery than I am today, but I kind of understand where you are at, and certainly wish you the best...

rfenst
8trackdisco Offline
#12 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 5:36 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,059
Reading this Country, my day wasn't that bad after all.

Thank you.

(*)

JadeRose Offline
#13 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 5:41 PM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
"Dr. Moore asks me to "push like I'm trying to get one out." She than asks me to "squeeze like I'm holding one in." We are both uncomfortable with what she said. We don't say anything else to each other. "

I never, ever, ever..please God ever, want to hear this said to me by a hot woman.....ever. LOLZ!!!!!!!
pacman357 Offline
#14 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 6:27 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
1. LMFAO (no pun intended).

2. This may be the funniest post I've read all year.

3. Given that it comes at great expense to you, I should feel guilty about that. Somehow I can't. Maybe in a few days I will.

4. I'm having trouble seeing through the tears to type this.

5. I think if this ever happens to me, I'm going to make sure I bring a sidearm to the appointment. About the time she opens the door, I'd say it's time for me to just check out and avoid the humiliation.

6. Tight sphincter. I take it you've never served time in a PMITA prison. MAC? Can you help out wounded BOTL with a weekend in the pokey? Oops, I mean in the jail? May be able to save him the cost and pain of surgery. He might even make a special friend.

7. I'll bet your co-pay is asstronomical.

8. This probably isn't a good time to recount the story of when I had to get ultrasound on my balls to make sure a scary lump wasn't cancer (it wasn't, just a temporary inflamation) and how cute the young girl doing the testing was, and that my insurance paid for it, and that you haven't lived until you've had that wand swiped over your balls, which they coat in gel first, and the testing doesn't hurt, is it? OK, didn't think so.

9. Did you say Enlarger Medical Center? Maybe when you're getting your donut on the back door, you can get them to add a little to the front porch, if you know what I mean.

10. If nothing else, your possible plans to become a drug mule for a Mexican cartel have either taken a very positive turn or a very negative turn. I really don't want to know which turns out to be the case.

11. I've got an email out to ScottHar. We're trying to sign Dr. Moore to a video deal. You don't need to worry. You'll be under anesthetic for your part.

12 Re: never getting to poop. Have you ever tricked your dog to getting into the car, acting excited like he's going somewhere fun, then taken him to the vet instead? This may be kharma shoving a fist into your posterior.

13. Still trying to feel bad about finding this so humorous. It's not happening.
MACS Offline
#15 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 6:37 PM EST
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 79,735
I haven't laughed that hard in years, Country. I was laughing so hard, I farted... but it did NOT feel like I **** a cantaloupe.
herfsnipe Offline
#16 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 6:49 PM EST
Joined: 07-28-2004
Posts: 3,315
Wait Country. On Monday, the good doctor will perform surgery. She will also, as part of her fellowship program, give a symposium on internal sphincter resection to be attended by 30 female proctological and gastroenterological students from Sweden.

There will be a lecture followed by a question and answer period during the procedure.
tj2001cobra Offline
#17 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 6:50 PM EST
Joined: 08-05-2008
Posts: 28,561
So are you allowed to smoke at all?
pacman357 Offline
#18 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 6:52 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
#15 I hope you weren't sitting on a cake at the time.
rfenst Offline
#19 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 6:55 PM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,245
I think that I may have learned in a psychology class years ago that some theorists consider ****ting to be pleasurable. Anyone recall or know anything about this?
davidfortune Offline
#20 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 6:55 PM EST
Joined: 08-28-2008
Posts: 184
OK Seriously,

#1 Sounds like a combination of twighlight zone meets penthouse stories....

#1 and everyone else... learn from someone else's pain and humiliation... eat more fiber... regularly... like everyday. I know burgers and cheese and bacon and sausage all taste great but ya gotta get regular fiber to keep bad Sh*t from happening (or actually happening regularly without straining as the case may be)! You don't have to go vegan crazy but an apple a day keeps the hot ass doctor from holding a mirror under your ass while your sitting on the toilet and saying "push like your trying to squeeze one out" and then flipping you on your head and telling you she's gonna make you ass wider so she can get her arm up in there.

I'm not sayin.... just sayin !!

Country - Laughing at you but hoping all you get outta this is a sore ass and a serious lesson to eat more fiber.
ScottHar Offline
#21 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 7:07 PM EST
Joined: 01-05-2007
Posts: 9,844
re 1: Th-ass a funny post, man!

re 14: Dr. Moore signed the release (and Country must not have read all her paperwork because she *owns* his ass -- literally! She's got his name, his likeness, his not-likeness -- everything...).

ScottHar
Kawak Offline
#22 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 7:20 PM EST
Joined: 11-26-2007
Posts: 4,025
Dude, i'm in tears. That was so funny I had to read that out loud to my wife who normally thinks my time on CBid invloves nothing more then some type of perverted porn. Though it does (thx Jack, errasa, Goat etc...;) i've never actually confirmed this to her with a nod. She is now ROTFLHAO.
simmons_j_m Offline
#23 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 7:29 PM EST
Joined: 03-11-2008
Posts: 3,944
Now that was funny... I just read it to a room full of people who were all ROTFLOL...

- J
big chief Offline
#24 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 7:45 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
good, funny stuff!

I'm reminded of who--was it Juvenal? whose discussion of hemorrhoid cures during the Greek era ("...a red-hot poker shoved up the offending orifice seems to cure the problem completely, as patients never return with similar complaints...") were pretty funny too!
donutboy2000 Offline
#25 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 8:00 PM EST
Joined: 11-20-2001
Posts: 25,000
Don't settle for any pain killer less than Percodan.

Good luck.
jetblasted Offline
#26 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 8:32 PM EST
Joined: 08-30-2004
Posts: 42,595
Take it Like a Man . . .
cigarman692900 Offline
#27 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 8:34 PM EST
Joined: 11-18-2007
Posts: 3,417
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seaborn Offline
#28 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 8:40 PM EST
Joined: 09-17-2006
Posts: 2,958
LMAO!!


Good luck, dude.
J.Redleg Offline
#29 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 8:55 PM EST
Joined: 04-28-2005
Posts: 18,020
Holy crap!

Country, I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry - or both! That's some funny and scary ****.

You're getting a prayer to ensure everything comes out ok in the end. ;)
pacman357 Offline
#30 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 10:11 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
#21 Cool. I suggest a title such as "Country Gave His Ass so We Could Laugh", or maybe "Country Ass in the Big City".

Then record, sit back and profit.
pacman357 Offline
#31 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 10:12 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
#21 I think I have a better title. "America's Funni-asst Videos".
echo4alpha Offline
#32 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 11:15 PM EST
Joined: 01-25-2003
Posts: 4,349
Damn! You're getting your o-ring turned into a serpentine belt? Whiskey tango fox-trot, over???
puffdaddy63 Offline
#33 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 11:43 PM EST
Joined: 02-16-2005
Posts: 1,311
Yo Country.... OMG.... I have laughed so effin hard and tears are runnin down my cheeks!!! I can't remember the last time i laughed that way.

On a different note.... keep your chin up and I got prayers comin for ya!

mark
Stickbow Offline
#34 Posted: Thu, Nov 6 2008, 11:58 PM EST
Joined: 01-16-2003
Posts: 870
Thanks for the laugh and good luck I hope everything comes out ok..................................
MCpapa Offline
#35 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 2:09 AM EST
Joined: 11-01-2008
Posts: 344
Wow. That's a hilarious write-up! Well-done. I swear, that is totally publishable somewhere.

All that said, my best thoughts are with you. Sounds like things look good. Surgery sucks, but at least they're not sounding the alarm bell. Hang in there, bro!
Baron Porthos Offline
#36 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 2:33 AM EST
Joined: 09-06-2005
Posts: 3,251
Good Luck
hehe
I hope you can relax
haha


Did you hear about the bar being so crowded that Country and the 7 people at his herf had to share two barstools.
They just flipped the barstool over. And everyone fit.
JHC Offline
#37 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 2:41 AM EST
Joined: 12-27-2005
Posts: 19,283
You have all the fun.
JDELLLL Offline
#38 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 3:45 AM EST
Joined: 10-22-2003
Posts: 1,922
If this is a true story and not satire, it is one of the most imaginative ingenious expressions of comedy I've ever seen. Not to belittle any real problems you have, but this is the funniest post I've ever seen, maybe anywhere else. You missed your calling. You should have been a comedy writer. SNL could use you. Hope you don't mind if I cut and paste it and send to friends in an Email. I just can't stop laughing. A refreshing break from all the political BS as of late. Guess if you're pulling our leg and this was actually written by a professional gag writer, you'll eventually tell us. Otherwise, congratulations (not on your ass problems). PS, I've had colonoscopies but they were a piece of cake other than the couple of days of prep.
andytv Offline
#39 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 3:55 AM EST
Joined: 10-23-2002
Posts: 40,991
That sounded TERRIBLE Country!!!!!

You are a brave man......I think I'd rather just die than have a doctor examine my ****.

I wonder if they are going to shave you ass before surgery?

Think of the stubble, man..........itchy!
DrafterX Offline
#40 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 4:01 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,534
I don't know what to say....
Mattie B Offline
#41 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 4:04 AM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 6,350
I'm guessing your 5:00 bit was an attempt to pick on me in a humorous way.
Well, we are not that close. When you have my respect then you can throw jokes around about me.

Thats right, I'm not over your rant about how a lady in MS caused you to lose your job in TN.


Apologise and it can be water under the bridge. Until then, keep me out of your post.

Thanks
andytv Offline
#42 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 4:17 AM EST
Joined: 10-23-2002
Posts: 40,991
^sensitive ****!
DrafterX Offline
#43 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 4:19 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,534
lol...
rfenst Offline
#44 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 4:20 AM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,245
Wow!
Goathead50 Offline
#45 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 4:59 AM EST
Joined: 01-22-2007
Posts: 21,809
WOW what a **** thread!
teedubbya Offline
#46 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:02 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
I must have missed the part when the doctor glued or stapled the report to his ass
LadyHay Offline
#47 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:10 AM EST
Joined: 12-27-2005
Posts: 6,457
The first post was funny enough but the responses have had me cracking up.

I feel for your Country. I sure wouldn't want to be in your place. Nice that you have a great sense of humor. Good luck on Monday.
JHC Offline
#48 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:11 AM EST
Joined: 12-27-2005
Posts: 19,283
It was the Nazi's fault.
bloody spaniard Offline
#49 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:15 AM EST
Joined: 03-14-2003
Posts: 43,802
Patrick, brother Hog wanted me to relay to you that your manhood may have been shrunk by the doctor's cold hands. Of course, a REAL man wouldn't have been deterred by such trivial details. A hottie is a hottie, ****. LOL

You have become Cbid's own blend of Hunter Thompson & Will Rogers, my young brother. Great story telling and great self-deprecating humor.

Remember, that things are rarely as grim as they appear.
This may just be the clarion call you needed. After this ordeal is over, Sam & Sarah await you as well as the rest of your friends who love you.

You're in our prayers.
pgje51 Offline
#50 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:19 AM EST
Joined: 01-13-2006
Posts: 5,013

ROTFLMBOT!

Would it be insensitive to ask about the good doctors boobs?
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