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I Return With A Report On My Ass
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dave97402 Offline
#51 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:39 AM EST
Joined: 12-24-2003
Posts: 3,598
Dude I hope they get it all figured out.....but I gotta say that was the funniest thing I have read on here in a while! Great run down on the visit! hahaha
andytv Offline
#52 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:44 AM EST
Joined: 10-23-2002
Posts: 40,991
At least you didn't pop a boner.
nine999 Offline
#53 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 5:59 AM EST
Joined: 07-27-2005
Posts: 14,622
lmao!


but then again, duh...


bro- i feel for ya. not really, but you know, i wanna offer my condolences. only thing is, i kept wait to read about her putting a finger in your butt.

next time tell the doc to use astro glide.


and the funniest part:

"I'm worried about Doc turning my cheerio into a doughnut. "

take care bro.....



nine
teedubbya Offline
#54 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:00 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
this could have all been avoided with one little word


oatmeal
Goathead50 Offline
#55 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:00 AM EST
Joined: 01-22-2007
Posts: 21,809
ROTFLMMFAO at Country!!!!!! Sorry man but that was one hell of a blow by blow account. Seriously hope everything comes out alright on Monday.
DrafterX Offline
#56 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:01 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,535
53. Author: nine999
i kept wait to read about her putting a finger in your butt.


^ freak...
teedubbya Offline
#57 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:01 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
freakish yes

but HOT
Goathead50 Offline
#58 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:03 AM EST
Joined: 01-22-2007
Posts: 21,809
^ Freak
nine999 Offline
#59 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:11 AM EST
Joined: 07-27-2005
Posts: 14,622
draft- you have no idea...
DrafterX Offline
#60 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:13 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,535
^ and I'm happy about that...
Country Offline
#61 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:30 AM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
I'll try to reply all in one post.

lou2row: Hopefully it never gets that far to need one of those threads.

rfenst: I hear you but eventually you get to a point where you just have to get it past you. That and my wife, father and brother have let me know that they are worried.

JadeRose: It was very surreal. It's not what hot woman are supposed to say.

pacman357: How did I know you would be the one that would try to profit from my ass? Nice titles though.

MACS: But if it did feel like you had crapped a canteloupe than it wouldn't take you long to endure a story like the one above to get it fixed, right?

herfsnipe: I've come to grips with my ass and the female doctor. I finally realized, this is what these people want to do with their life. If it wasn't my ass they were raping it'd be someone else's.

tj2001cobra: yes

davidfortune: I agree with your advise to everyone in that it's obvious that probably most of us should take better care of ourselves than what we do now. Maybe I'm wrong, I know I haven't taken care of myself though.

ScottHar: Me and the Doc have an understanding; we both know it's hers now.

Kawak: I'm glad y'all had a laugh together.

simmons_j_m: I'm glad the entire room had a laugh together.

donutboy2000: email me about said pain med. I'm interested and haven't heard of it. [email protected]

jetblasted: Jet, you'd be proud. Other than fainting I didn't cry or anything.

echo4alpha: Exactly! A little worried about that.

MCpapa: I'm glad you liked the story of events. I'm going back to school to get a Journalism degree, your words are encouraging.

JDELLLL: Not a copy and paste. It is an actual timeline of events with the possibility of exaggeration in my head due to embarrassment and sheer terror.

andytv: You are hitting on a topic that I left out of the timeline but at 4:49pm the saying you can't see the forrest through the trees took on a new meaning. I'm a lumber jack down there.

Mattie B: I'm on my feet with a job now mattie and can admit that I probably flew off the handle when I had to leave the cigar shop, using your girlfriend to point my aggravations at. I apologize for bringing her into this, should have never happened. Now can I make fun of you while I make fun of me?

Goathead50: You'd of hit Dr. Moore.

LadyHay: Sometimes I forget that their are ladies here at Cbid. I apologize for everything you wish you never knew about my broken trap-door.

USAHOG: I'm ashamed of that myself. It would have atleast shown I was alive, but instead I just sat their on the pot like an 80yr old man.

bloody spaniard: I appreciate your kind words.

pgje51: White coat; and not the white coat that the hot doctors wear on t.v.

teedubbya: Negative. Oatmeal doesn't change my tiny ****. But I see what you're saying. For the record, oatmeal kicks ass.





Thank you for your well wishes and prayers:
bsevern
chiefburg
8trackdisco
big chief
seaborn
J.Redleg
puffdaddy63
Stickbow
Baron Porthos
nine999
Goathead50


chiefburg Offline
#62 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:39 AM EST
Joined: 01-31-2005
Posts: 7,384
Gald you have such a good sense of humor - and you have a talent with the prose as well.

I honestly don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. I was laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my face and it took me 10 minutes to read it to the wife. She was crying as well - nearly fell off the couch.

Seriously, I hope surgery fixes the problem and you don't have any serious side effects. And, I'm glad you're thinking about the journalism degree - you could be the next Lewis Grizzard.
MrsSledn Offline
#63 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:43 AM EST
Joined: 12-06-2004
Posts: 8,486
Country, your sense of humor! LOL Good thing you have it. I remember my mom telling me a similar story years ago. Her's included a lot of WTF's. f'ing this and s'ing that... Me laughing a bit here and there and her finally laughing a bit as well.

I hope everything turns out well for you.
Mattie B Offline
#64 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:59 AM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 6,350
Mattie B: I'm on my feet with a job now mattie and can admit that I probably flew off the handle when I had to leave the cigar shop, using your girlfriend to point my aggravations at. I apologize for bringing her into this, should have never happened. Now can I make fun of you while I make fun of me?




Good enough for me. Prayers for your butt.
DrafterX Offline
#65 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:02 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,535
Mattie, I'm appologizing in advance for future comments about your oversized and stuffed A-hole...
We're cool right?
teedubbya Offline
#66 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:03 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
I would like to apologize as well for all the horrible things I have thought about mattie but have shown the constraint and self control not to post.
Mattie B Offline
#67 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:38 AM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 6,350
See, its all good now.
No, Country and I got into a heated debate, and even he said he went to far.

We are all cool.


Sorry boys, no drama to be seen here. You will have to look elsewhere.
Mattie B Offline
#68 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:39 AM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 6,350
Now, back to Country JANKED up butt....
teedubbya Offline
#69 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:40 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
so my apology is not accepted?
Mattie B Offline
#70 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:41 AM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 6,350
No need for you to apologise. I consider the source.


teedubbya Offline
#71 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:44 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
is that a yes or no?
Mattie B Offline
#72 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:45 AM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 6,350
TW, you can say whatever you like about me. We are cool like that. I understand that you say things in a picking manner. No apology needed.
teedubbya Offline
#73 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 7:55 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
dammit

this sucks
sloth Offline
#74 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 10:58 AM EST
Joined: 08-10-2003
Posts: 1,172
ehhh...

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toy r us kid... da dum dee doo ad dum dum dum dee doo dum dee it

*shudder*

from toys to plane to video games, it's tha greatest toy store around... i don't wanna grow up because if i did, i wouldn't be a toy r us kid.







eeee yikes....
plinytheelder Offline
#75 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 11:37 AM EST
Joined: 10-24-2006
Posts: 8,836
Add this one to the pool fish.
Collectors items both.

Country, hope everything comes out (and goes in) well on Monday...
pacman357 Offline
#76 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:11 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
Country, in the throes of laughing myself sick, I neglected to mention directly what I hoped was at least implied.

Joking aside, of course I wish you only good news and a speedy recovery.
teedubbya Offline
#77 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:20 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
^ someone is in an ass kissing mood today
Country Offline
#78 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:20 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
pacman, I'm hoping for a lofty malpractice suit out of it. I don't know how much a broken ass is worth when neglected but I think we could live happily on our compensations.

What do you say, will you be my ass lawyer?



Country
[email protected] Offline
#79 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:21 PM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
... if you let someone "invade" your ass ... and they you get money for it ... does that make you a ****, a prostitute, or both?
[email protected] Offline
#80 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:22 PM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
.. should read "and then you"
teedubbya Offline
#81 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:23 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
ass the chineese often say

ass ho
Country Offline
#82 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:23 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
That's a good question, Jimmy. I'm going to think about it and report back. At first thought though, I think I'm in the clear of being a **** on account of my unusually tight sphincter.

Country
teedubbya Offline
#83 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:24 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
unless it was surgically enhanced for his pleasure
teedubbya Offline
#84 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:25 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
I'm just trying to help


it could also be because the muscle as been used quite a bit..... the big gripper
Country Offline
#85 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:32 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
I'm back with my answer, Jimmy.

Accepting money in a malpractice suit, in regards to a doctor messing up your ****, no more makes you gay than making a mechanic pay for ruining the engine of your car makes you a race car driver.

Country
teedubbya Offline
#86 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:34 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
I'm not so sure about that.....

what kind of car? if its a beetle convertable I'd say either way you are gay but at least in the second example presumably that gay mans bung hole aint messed up
pacman357 Offline
#87 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:35 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
#78 With this crowd, there is no safe way for me to answer that question. I will draw all manner of abuse.

BTW, I don't really think you want a malpractice suit. Aside from the fact that would mean ongoing medical problem related to your ass, you don't want to have to face her again, in a public place, with strangers hearing discussion and detail about your orifice. Trust me, the reward sounds keen, but the journey is long and fraught with danger and embarASSment.
[email protected] Offline
#88 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:36 PM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
... well, now it looks like we need to establish the difference between "top" and "bottom" before we can determine your "gayness" here ...
Country Offline
#89 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:50 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
Again Jimmy, I'm the one who's **** is too small to put a pretty little lady doctor finger in it.

Country
[email protected] Offline
#90 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 12:59 PM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
... I guess that would mean that you're a "top" ???


... I dunno ... I'm not the "Gayness" expert ...

TW ... what's your take?
8trackdisco Offline
#91 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 1:12 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,065
Country,
I'm not an ass doc, but try this.

Buy and consume a whole box of raisin bran tonight. Follow up with a pot of coffee in the early A.M.

Think of yourself as a human play-dough dispenser.

Check out the diameter of the soft-swirl poo. How big is it? 50 ring gage? 64?

If you've always been a pencil-width ****, how did you get to thinking you had a problem? What was it that gave you ass-pirations to see a proctologist?

There might be other tight-asses here that you could help.

You don't sound like the every day 'roid and fissure guy. What's the story?
Country Offline
#92 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 1:21 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
8track, the problem lies in my poor diet. for the last 2 years I've eaten basically only fast food. about 3 months ago I went from crapping everyday to crapping every 4 days. Now how exactly do you crap 4 days worth of crap through a pencil diameter and not rip it to pieces you might ask.... You don't! The **** that you could once pop a quarter off of is now nothing more than a puddle of goop. Painful goop. If I had eaten better maybe I would have never known I had a problem. Either way it'll be fixed in a couple of days hopefully.

Country
8trackdisco Offline
#93 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 1:32 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,065
Gotcha.
I only dump once every 48-72 hours. My diet is better than yours but not great, Pretty happy with the standard, 40-45 year old ass that I have.

Painful, Goop and Ass shouldn't ever be in the same paragraph.

Got 'roids yet?
wheelrite Offline
#94 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 1:36 PM EST
Joined: 11-01-2006
Posts: 50,119
Has this drastically affected your Libido ??


Country Offline
#95 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 1:42 PM EST
Joined: 04-18-2008
Posts: 5,893
8track, as a 25yr I can assure you that I'm not happy with my ass. As for hemorrhoids I thought that was what I had, as it turns out I could be correct but fissures (sp?) is a lot of it along with some other stuff that they will know more about at 9:00 Monday morning.

As for the diet of fast food, I ate twice a day 2:00pm and 1:00am. Mix that with no (plain) water intake in 4 years and you have yourself a problem.

wheel: I don't have to have libido anymore, my wife is already stuck with me. She knows I don't make enough money for divorce to be worth it so she is content how things are. She did however ask if she could take me on a cruise this year, I wonder what that was about??? She hasn't said anything else about it since I cancelled my life insurance policy. Weird.

pacman357 Offline
#96 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 2:38 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
#95 If she "accidentally" drops a necklace or earing onto a part of a deck that juts out from the side of the ship, and says she thinks you can reach over and get that for her, DON'T DO IT. Just remember, the last time you were in such a position, upside down at the Docto Altar, pride on the floor, staring back at you disappointed.
andytv Offline
#97 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 3:57 PM EST
Joined: 10-23-2002
Posts: 40,991
I crap twice a day......life is good.
big chief Offline
#98 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 4:40 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
80-100 ring count, of heap length.
Of course, a lot of yelping and groaning, knee-slapping and hopping around accompanies this discharge, but it should be noteworthy that I'm not subject to the odious consumption of fiber of any sort (unless beer counts), nor the drinking of any water (unless beer counts)...
Mattie B Offline
#99 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:31 PM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 6,350
I'm with you Andy. I'll take my first deuce by 7:15 every morning. Then I'll enjoy that leisurely squat before the 10:00 news comes on. Thats when the shopping in Cabelas and Bass Pro Shops takes place.
pacman357 Offline
#100 Posted: Fri, Nov 7 2008, 6:49 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
One stick, two donut holes.



(a hunnert)
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