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Letters from the second civil war...
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victor809 Offline
#1 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:17 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
Thought I'd post a few of these here. This has apparently become a thing on Twitter after Alex Jones made the claim that the "libs" are planning a civil war tomorrow... Some of these are hilarious.

@KelliCrackel
My Darling,
War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe's lasted many days. We lost half our battalion, some to enemy fire, some to the dreaded Covfefe virus. I still live, but for how much longer I do not know.

Pray for us.

#secondcivilwarletters

@FillineMachine
·
11h
My dear wife,
Most of my battalion has succumbed to smallpox. The horrid disease was thought to have been eradicated shortly after the last civil war, but the enemy troops we recently faced were all unvaccinated. #secondcivilwarletters

@TheRickWilson
·
1h
I stared at the dying soldier, his Alt-Reich Douchestaffel uniform covered in blood.

He gripped my arm, eyes wild with fear of impending death.

"One question..." he gasped.

"Anything," I said.

With his last breath he sighed, "What is a clitoris?"

#secondcivilwarletters


@nuritgreenfinch
#secondcivilwarletters
My Dearest Husband,

At long last, by the grace of God & a lucky Uber alone, our Hortons Battalion has reached our American comrades. We brought with us shoes & poutine. Morale has soared. Gen. Maddow and Captain Avenatti will be leading our charge at dawn


@AnthonyFritz19
Dearest Emma
Colonel Hannity's red hats ambushed us at the Galleria yesterday. Many brave men were lost. We are down to our last wedge of Brie and the Chardonnay is dangerously close to room temperature. Remember: Tuesday is recycling . #SecondCivilWarLetters
victor809 Offline
#2 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:18 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@TheRickWilson
Colonel:

During the 3rd Battle of Charlottesville we captured enemy caches of citronella oil, Tiki torches, and Japanese pornography.

Also, Trumpistani leader Richard Spencer was captured as he attempted to escape into a local Walmart dressed as a woman.

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#3 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:20 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@tatestreet21
·
4h
"We charged the field of red-hatted cannon fodder. Our battle cry was loud: They're, There, Their!"
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#4 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:20 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@LaLiberalVetera

My dearest: I accidentally used a three syllable word today in conversation at Fort MAGA. I fear my cover as Buford T. Cousinhumper III is compromised.
I have completed my mission of stealing all the truck nuts and AR firing pins.
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#5 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:21 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@Donnie_Ashworth
·
4h
Replying to @TheRickWilson
Dear Rick,

I joined the 69th infantry in Montgomery to march to Gadsden. We will free all the young girls held hostage in malls by Gen. Roy Moore’s Red Cap brigade. It is hot as a Trump in Church down here so please send cold beer.

Truly,
Donnie

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#6 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:22 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@Im_TheAntiTrump

My love,

I have run off to fight the red hats. At dawn we infiltrate Mar-a-lago to replace all meat & dairy products with soy substitutes (increasing estrogen as decreed in the 'Gay Agenda Cookbook') We'll also be loosening the lids on the salt shakers.

#secondcivilwarletter
victor809 Offline
#7 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:23 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@johncardillo

My Dearest,

Our patchouli and quinoa stores have nearly run dry.

Skinny jeans are ill suited for this type of battle. Chafing has cost us many.

Our efforts are mocked by employed passers by, but we shall never surrender.

#SecondCivilWarLetters
victor809 Offline
#8 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:24 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@maybeprobablyme

#secondcivilwarletters

Dearest Xbox,

War is not what Call Of Duty prepared me for.

Generals Eric and Jr. tell us we must hold the Hobby Lobby parking lot, but the Libs have posted signs saying "free beer this way." No one returns from the free beer.

My resolve is weakening.
victor809 Offline
#9 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:25 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@kabouki210

My dearest,
I fear today’s letter may be my last. The battle of Costco is not going as planned. We have been pinned in the bakery for 2 days. Due to gluten allergies, carbs, and sugar we have not eaten in days. Today we try to storm produce, but have doubts #secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#10 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:26 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@hanksinatra712

My beloved Scarlett,
War is hell. Major Pence has demanded I apply his lotion EVERYWHERE. He says he loves the manly comradery he has INSTILLED in all of his troops.
I miss your feminine ways.
Rhett
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#11 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:27 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@CaptainAmerifac

To whom it may concern,

I'm still not sure why we're up here.

Signed,
Clark Ridley
Chief Engineer,
United States Space Force.
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#12 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:28 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@keith_tiberius

After-Action Report 4JUL18:

Snowflake Company deployed along phase-line Echo, opposite Trumpist defensive fortifications. After bombardment to minimal effect, we managed to overrun their positions by yelling, "Hey, isn't that Ted Nugent there?"

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#13 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:29 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@Bionicjoe

My dearest Megan,
My only hope is that this letter makes it into the Ken Burns documentary on PBS. Send a portion of my check to the 'Viewers Like You' telethon, and forever carry our love in the free tote bag.

Yours in covfefe,
Joe #secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#14 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:30 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@Scottr10s

Dearest,
I have been captured by the Red Hats. I cannot withstand any more psychological torture. The barrage of Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Toby Keith is starting to have physical effects. I fear that if I escape, I will be unrecognizable with this mullet. #SecondCivilWarLetters
victor809 Offline
#15 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:31 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@TheSharktonaut

My love,

My battalion, the 22nd feminazis, have taken many nazi red-hats hostage by promising to take their virginity. Instead, we torture them by doing yoga while free bleeding. They asked for a red wave, and they got one.

Please send more yoga pants.

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#16 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:34 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@jdf42989

Dearest Agatha, We got Admiral Pence to talk. It wasn’t pretty. We had to bind his hands and feet and sit him at a candle lit dinner with a woman. I hear his cries still! “MOTHER WOULDNT LIKE THIS! MOTHER!!” #secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#17 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:35 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@jenkeas

My darling. You no doubt will have learned the details of this frightful battle before my letter reaches you. Thus, I trust it shall not come as too great a shock for me to inform you that there are not, in fact, some very fine people on both sides. #secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#18 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:37 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@milkexperiment

Dear Donald,

I bring distressing news. Our journey was disrupted by frogs crossing our path; Alex deserted so fast that his tinfoil hat flew into my eye, rendering it useless. Luckily I still have the other one.

I pray your bone spurs heal soon.

Sarah

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#19 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:38 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@bskinnyninja3

I have been assigned to the Coastal Elites Brigade. Our MREs are vegan & we detox daily. Please send hot-dogs & scotch.
#SecondCivilWarLetters
victor809 Offline
#20 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:39 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@KingHeathcliff

My beloved Lis,

We skirmished last night in fog against the 22nd 4Chan regiment in the outskirts of Tempe. When we pushed through to their camp, they had fled, leaving behind two dozen bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and a veritiable library of soiled anime.

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#21 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:40 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@TheRickWilson
Dearest Ruth,

Arrived deep in the woods of Bowling Green. I fear we may be surrounded. The enemy remains out of sight, but the aroma of Hot Pockets and hand lotion permeates the air. This may be the end.

PS dont check my browsing history.

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#22 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:42 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@BuntaFish

Oh love of my life,
i fear the worst. They started bringing potato salad to the battlefield. With raisins in it. What was supposed to be a civil war lost all its civility.
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#23 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:43 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@teachergriff

My dear Father,

Morale remains high this morning. The West Hollywood 69th Battalion drove the Red Hats out of Starbucks. Col. DeNiro v. pleased. Took charge of espresso machines & all troops now have lattes. Need more avocado toast. Much love to Papa.

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#24 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:44 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@75Tramislate

Mother,

Our unit is being held as POWs in a Waffle House just outside Raleigh NC. We speak to each other via our heroic code talkers, Jose & Carlos. Fortunately the Red Caps do not seem to understand Spanish. Or irony. Or sarcasm. Or grammar.

Your,
Joe

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#25 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:45 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@AryaResists

*banjo music playing*

Dear Mother,

I fear we might be losing. We hide from the antifa snowflakes, but they keep finding us and offering potato salad.

Don't worry, I still wear my hat. I know how expensive it was.

Love,
Biff

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#26 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:47 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@JackPosobiec

SECRET//NOCUCKS

MAGA High Command:

The war criminals Rick Wilson and Bill Kristol of Camp NeverTrump have been captured for interrogation

Rosie O’Donnell still at large

We have secured alliance with the Juggalos

The Faygo Battalions arrive at dawn

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#27 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:49 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@shelbiimustang

My dearest,
Our supply of rose is dwindling. My iPhone is at 15%. We are rationed gluten free bread without avocados. War is hard. But still, we persist.

Your dutiful wife
#secondcivilwarletters
Speyside Offline
#28 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:50 PM EST
Joined: 03-16-2015
Posts: 13,106
I don't remember when I last laughed this hard. Thank you Victor.
victor809 Offline
#29 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:50 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866

@JohnBechard

Dearest Mother,

My squadron is barricaded inside a Starbucks near the Maine Mall while a well-fed MAGA contingent from a nearby Cracker Barrel is peppering us with Libtard epithets.

Our courage is strong and our wakefulness is assured. Fear not for us!
#SecondCivilWarLetters
victor809 Offline
#30 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:53 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@Popehat

My dearest Hortense,
Ignominious chaos today upon the field of battle. NOTALLMEN was a terrible name for an infantry company. The soldiers are unable to discern when my orders are ironic. I fear very few were actually, as they boasted, Navy Seals.
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#31 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 12:54 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
These have been hilarious...
I recommend anyone looking to waste a little time today just type the hashtag into Twitter... People are posting more all the time...
delta1 Offline
#32 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 1:08 PM EST
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,778
OhMyGod Mad Not talking <-----------------cons


we need an emoticon with a gun...
HuckFinn Offline
#33 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 2:18 PM EST
Joined: 07-10-2017
Posts: 2,044
Really funny. Good to know folks can still joke and laugh....thanks vic
bgz Offline
#34 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 3:53 PM EST
Joined: 07-29-2014
Posts: 13,023
F***ing victor... I hate you...

Been reading this s**t for a half hour now...
frankj1 Offline
#35 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 5:40 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,215
so funny!
bgz Offline
#36 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 5:53 PM EST
Joined: 07-29-2014
Posts: 13,023
Ya, I might read a few more later... had to stop, actually have work to do, lol.
victor809 Offline
#37 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 6:02 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
Same thing happened to me... Wasted a bunch of time this am reading them
victor809 Offline
#38 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 6:02 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
.... Prolly missed the 2nd civil war.... Busy reading the tweets about it.
delta1 Offline
#39 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 6:48 PM EST
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,778
sadly....I may have to switch sides......I really like potato salad....
victor809 Offline
#40 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 7:03 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866

@IamTeriC

Dearest Mother,
Rejoice! The tides have turned as we have managed to shut down their lines of communications by sending in a wave of black people doing ordinary things that they feel compelled to report. Chaos has ensued. The red hats are floundering.
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#41 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 7:05 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
Dear Pa,

Both armies have converged and the estimates are that there are about 7 million Red Hats across the battlefield from our 12 million. Tomorrow, we will march across Stephen Miller's Forehead and the greatest battle of the war will have commenced.

#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#42 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 7:06 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@ZodiacMan423

Dear Ma,

This war shall end soon. The medics of the MAGA army are unable to treat the soldiers because bullet wounds are considered a pre-existing condition.

#SecondCivilWarLetters
victor809 Offline
#43 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 7:08 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
HalseyKallinen

Dearest,
We took Mar-A-Lago today. I got a bad tiki torch burn on my arm, but good news: the RedHats left behind a batch of Covfefe as they fled. Tonight, we feast on the cakes they refused to bake for gay people. All my love.
#secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#44 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 7:11 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@Vixynne

My wife, time is short. I make a final request: name the baby Mueller, teach him to play "Ashokan Farewell" on a hemp-strung fiddle, and tell him of his manscaped Papa. I'll be there in spirit when the autumn breeze sighs "is this coffee ethically sourced?" #secondcivilwarletters
victor809 Offline
#45 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 7:14 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@MelzBelz66

Dear Ma, Just wanted you to know I am okay although my fingers are quite blistered from sharing memes and updating my Twitter status. I fought with 10 trolls today but lost several friends in battle due to unfriending. Still, I feel that we can prevail. #secondcivilwarletters
Just Relax Offline
#46 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 7:31 PM EST
Joined: 09-26-2016
Posts: 587
Twitter is fantastic!!
cacman Offline
#47 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 9:12 PM EST
Joined: 07-03-2010
Posts: 12,216
Someone needs a life.

Is this now the CBid Twitter feed?
frankj1 Offline
#48 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 9:36 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,215
Carl, this is funny as hell.
the posters even have the writing style of the time down pat.

It's not about Victor.
victor809 Offline
#49 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 10:51 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
Poor cacman had to have his sense of humor amputated by an inebriated and exhausted field medic when he took a ball to it during the battle of sickle cell hill...

...he's never been the same since
victor809 Offline
#50 Posted: Tue, Jul 3 2018, 10:51 PM EST
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
@pptsapper

Dearest wife,
Have fallen in with a radical professor who speaks of the equality of all people & the importance of fine grammar. It will be an honor to meme by his side. Remember me to our Roomba should a Redditor throw their Mountain Dew at me.
#secondcivilwarletters
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