Right then let’s get on with this
It was all there I just had to put it together with the things I’ve learned practicing and reading about mindfulness over the years. For those that have never looked in to mindfulness and the like, there was a time 25-30 years ago I’d have called it mambo jumbo but my mind got changed and I’ve been practicing since. Criikey I’m getting all knickered up when simple will do.
I put a couple things together and from the clock it looks like I may have pieced together 4 hours sleep. I woke up to Sam telling oda may that he was proud of her
Dan gave me part of the puzzle when I was in icu. He told me to keep my mind or something of the sort. Anyway it has served as an anchor for which I had to return when I swayed. While not sleeping much in the hospital I have been self centering, breathing and meditating a lot both with the use of guided via the net and my more typical tools already in the box. Glad I had them.
My wife had another piece. After my last post in here I started crying. She said I haven’t seen you cry since the time following your moms death (as an aside in sure miss her). She asked if this was the first time I cried abou this. I said yes. She said huh and left it at that. I asked to see her boobs and she said no there will be another day for that. She hugged me and said let me tell you about the time I saw drafters boobs and stuff.
She went to sleep and I still couldn’t get comfortable. Then things came together. It’s like a prisoner who chooses to sleep on the floor when freed. In this case while I was in the hospital I was using mindfulness in an attempt to bring peace and comfort to an environment that had very little. And I was always in a battle to do so. The hospital felt like a fight I had to win. I was also in a constant fight to keep my mind right. That’s why there was no crying despite all the pain and frustration. The crying (in my manly voice...it was only a brief bout ayait) came in the hotel for a reason. Because I could. The environment allowed it.
That’s only the tip of the spear but it was a signal that my situation has changed and I need to act accordingly. My strategy is sound, the tactics have to change based on a transition on the field. My brain automatically put the parts together but there is no way I could have articulated it until my brain put it together in my sleep. I still am not articulating it well..4 hours was an eternity.
The part that helped my conscious mind figure a couple things out is that of transitions. Ever watch a baby fight sleep and also waking up? How about Friday and Sunday nights for your kids our self. Moving, divorce, deaths etc. from a small thing like a baby going to sleep to things like death, transitions are challenging. We all have our own way of dealing with it,,
Surgery to icu is a challenge, icu to step down... and now hospital to hotel. All have their difficulties. I’ll have another to home and several following including going to work. I’m aware and ok with these things but this one tripped me up. I lost sight.
I don’t think I’m expressing it well but I’m going back to sleep so whatever.
I love you guys (I can tell I’ve been watching peaks blinders )
