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Thursday funnies
deadeyedick Offline
#1 Posted:
Joined: 03-13-2003
Posts: 16,957
I was looking for Crazeehorse or Buckwheat to supply a morning chuckle but here is an oldie:



Jake and Bill, two 'ol rednecks, meet at their usual watering hole.

Jake says: Bill, you won't believe what happened to me last night after we left the bar.

Bill says: What happened?

Jake says: I was crossing the railroad tracks when I see this totally nekked, big busted young lady tied up on the tracks!

Bill says: WOW! What did you do?

Jake says: Well, I got her untied and we went back to my place. She was so thankful I guess that we ended up having hot, passionate sex, in every position you can imagine, for like five hours straight!

Bill says: OMG! Was she a blonde, brunette or redhead?

Jake says: Well, I don't rightly know ........ I never found her head.
Gene363 Offline
#2 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
d'oh!
Krazeehorse Offline
#3 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
LMFAO
CarsonTheCat Offline
#4 Posted:
Joined: 05-16-2020
Posts: 522
Holy frakk.....dark, yet surprisingly funny!
DrafterX Offline
#5 Posted:
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,508
was she wearing a clown suit..?? Huh
Krazeehorse Offline
#6 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
You mean before she was nekkid?
clintCigar Offline
#7 Posted:
Joined: 05-14-2019
Posts: 4,682
don't you just luv the giving ones?
Buckwheat Offline
#8 Posted:
Joined: 04-15-2004
Posts: 12,251
Sorry for being tardy on posting these.

The other day my GF said " undress me with your words.... and I said "A spider just went down your bra"...............
Well I spent the rest of the day looking for a nonexistent spider................... but I did find a Tuna that may have eaten the spider and I ate the tuna.


A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

I just got accepted in a porn movie role.
I'm the husband going to work.

Father ‘O Riley is walking along the canal one day.
As he rounds a corner , he sees Paddy fishing.
“To be sure Paddy. Is this not your wedding day. You should be at home - FN the wife”.
“I can’t be doing that father. She’s got gonorrhoea”.
“What about up the arse then son?”
“Well I can’t be doing that either father. She’s got diarrhoea”.
“Oh , sweet Jesus” , exclaimed the father - “What about a **** then Paddy?”
“Well I can’t be doing that either father. She’s got pyorrhoea”.
“Goodness Paddy. Why on Earth did you marry her?”
Paddy pointed to his fishing Rod , and replied.....................

Have a safe and healthy weekend. I'm going fishing down on Lake Cumberland tomorrow. Yeah!!! Beer
Smooth light Offline
#9 Posted:
Joined: 06-26-2020
Posts: 3,598
Guess she didn't give head. Good joke.

LOVE IS BLIND 😎
delta1 Offline
#10 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
Applause Applause Applause
izonfire Offline
#11 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
Some good stuff!
____

Hey, what black and blue and red all over, and cries during sex?
The bitch in the trunk of my car...
Buckwheat Offline
#12 Posted:
Joined: 04-15-2004
Posts: 12,251
Today's additions:

As the doctor left the exam room after my prostate exam, the nurse later came in with words I didn't want to hear.
She said, "Who was that?"

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'



I went to see the the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes.
The bass tard put me on Xanax.


Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.



Have a safe and healthy weekend. BW fog
Gene363 Offline
#13 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
Applause Applause Applause
deadeyedick Offline
#14 Posted:
Joined: 03-13-2003
Posts: 16,957
"Jesus loves you" A good thing to hear in church, not so much in prison.

My next door neighbor knocked on my door at 2AM! Can you believe that? Luckily, I was still up, playing my bagpipes.

I love bacon, sometimes I eat it twice a day. It helps take my mind off these terrible chest pains I've been getting.
Krazeehorse Offline
#15 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Laugh Laugh
delta1 Offline
#16 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
doctored this up, eh?
Buckwheat Offline
#17 Posted:
Joined: 04-15-2004
Posts: 12,251
And another round.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”


Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see some new faces today and I have to say that I am very disappointed.


Guy just got back from the doctor and he tells his wife, "The doctor told me I can touch myself inappropriately whenever I want to."
Wife grabs report, "This says you could have a stroke at any time!!!"


Everyone be safe and healthy and have a good weekend. fog
Krazeehorse Offline
#18 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
An avid shooter goes to hell. When he arrives he’s greeted by a sub-demon who says, “Come with me, I’ll show you around. Everything here is designed for the individual. As an avid long range shooter, this is your range. As you can see by the range chart it extends to infinity, but you can set targets of any size or type at any distance you wish, and remote viewing of the targets. You can also set any environmental conditions you want: The top of Kilimanjaro in Antarctica with a 22 to 43 mile per hour wind at 5:35? Use these controls right here. You can order up any type of rifle with any precision level as well: 416 Rigby with no less than 1/4 MOA precision? Here it is in the locker. And of course, any type of terrain to shoot from or over.”

“Wow! This is not what I expected. What kind of ammunition is available?”

“Ammunition? There is none. That’s the Hell of it.”
Gene363 Offline
#19 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
LOL LOL LOL
clintCigar Offline
#20 Posted:
Joined: 05-14-2019
Posts: 4,682
LOL
delta1 Offline
#21 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
Think <----------stroking
Smooth light Offline
#22 Posted:
Joined: 06-26-2020
Posts: 3,598
Frog legs taste like chicken, so does hoochie Koo 😊
deadeyedick Offline
#23 Posted:
Joined: 03-13-2003
Posts: 16,957
My daughter told me she wants a cat for Christmas. I usually do a turkey but .... whatever.
delta1 Offline
#24 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
how you gonna skin dat cat, DED?
Smooth light Offline
#25 Posted:
Joined: 06-26-2020
Posts: 3,598
Nine times of course 😁!
Stogie1020 Offline
#26 Posted:
Joined: 12-19-2019
Posts: 5,231
DED, they cook fast. Don't dry it out by overcooking it!
Buckwheat Offline
#27 Posted:
Joined: 04-15-2004
Posts: 12,251
Today's Batch from my brother:


Debbie, I told you I'm on a strict plant based diet.
"Oh, it's OK, these burgers are all plant based."
Really?! They're delicious...what plant is this from??
"Meat packing plant."

Advice needed!
My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house.
Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic.

So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake.
All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?????


A married couple was in a terrible accident and the woman’s face severely burned. The doctor said the best skin graft would be from the husband’s buttocks. After surgery, the woman looked more beautiful than ever! Her friends were amazed. One day the woman was overcome with emotion. ‟Dear, I just want to thank you,” she told her hubby. “There is no way I could ever repay you.” He replied, ‟My darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”


My girl said she likes doggy style...
So after sex I rubber her nose in the wet spot and said "NO"!


Have a safe and healthy weekend. BW fog
Gene363 Offline
#28 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
LOL
Smooth light Offline
#29 Posted:
Joined: 06-26-2020
Posts: 3,598
Love the mother-in-law 🤣
Krazeehorse Offline
#30 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
A couple checked into the famous Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach.

After a day of drinking and golf, mostly drinking, the man returned to his luxury suite one night to find his girlfriend lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide, and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

“All right,” he demanded, “I’ll kill you unless you tell me where the cigar came from!”

A muffled voice came from under the bed, “Havana.”
Krazeehorse Offline
#31 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Apparently putting alka seltzer in my mouth, walking into the gas station and yelling "the virus is mutating" is not funny.
Smooth light Offline
#32 Posted:
Joined: 06-26-2020
Posts: 3,598
Sick humor, most people likely won't get. To thin skin and scared.

Did you wear a mask too?
Krazeehorse Offline
#33 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
It's Thursday eve.....

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming

colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have

it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where

the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous

nurse began my procedure...

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite

normal to get an erection," the nurse told me..

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

"I do." replied the nurse.

Never get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!

tonygraz Offline
#34 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2008
Posts: 20,175
Thanks for the tip - did everything come out all right.
izonfire Offline
#35 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
The only place they pay the patient for the procedure...
Buckwheat Offline
#36 Posted:
Joined: 04-15-2004
Posts: 12,251
This week's funnies:

I sat next to a fellow on the train this morning. He pulled out a pic of his wife and said, "She's beautiful isn't she?"
I told him, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "NO, she's an optician."


A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."



Difference between a bitch and a slut?
A bitch sleeps with everyone except you.



My oldest boy walked in to the room and asked. Dad, are we pyromaniacs ?
To which I replied, yes we arson.


Chag Sameach! Everyone have a safe and healthy weekend. fog
sfg391 Offline
#37 Posted:
Joined: 01-12-2014
Posts: 124
I made myself a snowman
As perfect as can be
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And I let it sleep with me
I made it some pajamas
and a pillow for it's head
But last night the bastid vanished
And he pissed the friggin' bed.
Krazeehorse Offline
#38 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Story of Adam & Eve's Dog

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.



And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve


And it was a good animal and God was pleased.







And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal..'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.









And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.



After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.









And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.






And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.









And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.









And the Cat . . .









didn't give a **** one way or the other...
izonfire Offline
#39 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
ThumpUp
Gene363 Offline
#40 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
ThumpUp
delta1 Offline
#41 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
my favorite cat was dog-like...when he was inside and saw birds walking on the patio floor next to the glass door, he'd bark at them...
Krazeehorse Offline
#42 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cellphone...

The wife said, " Where are you? You KNOW we have lots to do!"

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about ten years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that store...." she replied.

"Well, I am in the gun store right next door to that."
delta1 Offline
#43 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
^^^this one has a part two...I can feel it
Krazeehorse Offline
#44 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
In the year 2025, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit."


"I've been arguing with the boat inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."


"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."


"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear none of it."


"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"


"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."


"Then the Environmental Protection Agency
ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood."


"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."


"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."


"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
ark-building experience."


"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."


"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this ark."


"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."


Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" ;
"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
Buckwheat Offline
#45 Posted:
Joined: 04-15-2004
Posts: 12,251
Today's installment:

My kid asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk and I said sure, a gallon only weighs about 8 pounds. She said she meant at the store, so I shrugged and said I imagine it weighs the same there.


A Cork radio station was running a competition-words that weren't in the dictionary yet that still could be used in a sentence that would make sense. The prize was trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.
DJ: Hi Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan....spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced "goan"
DJ: You are correct Dave, goan is not in the dictionary. Now to win that trip to Bali, can you use that word in a sentence that makes sense?
Caller: Goan f*** yourself

The DJ terminated the call immediately and took many other callers but all were unsuccessful until........

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.
DJ: Hi Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced, smee
DJ: You are correct Jeff, smee is not in the dictionary. Now to win that trip to Bali, can you use that word in a sentence that makes sense?
Caller: Smee again, goan f*** yourself



If something is thrown at the president, does the Secret Service yell "Donald, Duck!"


As a singer I sing at many funerals and I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Indiana. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I'm directionally challenged AND the further I drove the signal for my navigation weakened and eventually dropped.
Anyways I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit of God began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost


Everyone have a safe and healthy weekend. Beer
Ram27 Offline
#46 Posted:
Joined: 04-30-2005
Posts: 48,922
Applause
Krazeehorse Offline
#47 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Applause
Gene363 Offline
#48 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
Herfing
Krazeehorse Offline
#49 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you?'

************************************

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

*********************************

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

You hit down to make the ball go up.
You swing left and the ball goes right.
The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball.
In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip...your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.

The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme' putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage. If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Gene363 Offline
#50 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
LOL
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