To all White House staff:
Well, our budget surplus has vanished and so has the Lincoln Memorial. Congrats to everyone
on keeping quiet about the latter.
In other news, recent polls reveal that the President’s approval ratings are slipping to levels not
seen since the first President Bush. Perhaps in catering to the richest 1% of Americans, we have
forgotten about the richest 2-5%. Whatever the cause, the situation has grown so dire that even
the President has become aware of it. God help us all, he has an idea.
President Bush would like to give every American citizen a nickname. He believes his gift for
coining folksy epithets has eased tensions with prickly leaders like Vladimir "Rootin’ Tootin’" Putin
and Yassir "That’s My Baby" Arafat. He also thinks it has cemented his political alliances with
Tom "United Airlines Regrets This" DeLay and Trent "I Fart A" Lott.
Under the President’s plan, each American would receive a nickname based upon broad
character traits as follows:
CHARACTERISTIC NICKNAME
Tall- Stretch,
Short- Mini-Me,
Thin- Slim.
Fat- Slim (but with a wink).
Native American- Chief.
African American- Cool Breeze.
Hispanic- Frito Bandito (if deemed offensive, then Speedy Gonzalez).
Chinese- Chinese Charley.
Japanese, Korean,
Thai, Filipino,
or Aleutian Islander- Chinese Charley,
Millionaire- Buddy,
Billionaire- Good Buddy
Citizens who fall under more than one category will receive compound nicknames. For example,
Tiger Woods is a wealthy man of African/Thai/Native American ancestry. Hence, the nickname
"Chief Chinese Charley Buddy Cool Breeze" would replace the more formal "Tiger." As for
Americans who belong to none of these categories—we must use all resources at our disposal to
shield the President from them.
I estimate we can implement the Federal Nickname Project at a cost of $800 million. Funds could
be raised through a stiff excise tax on electric cars in general, and those of Ed Begley Jr. in
particular.
The President believes the nicknaming of America will result in a warmer, friendlier, more
accessible Bush administration. And so I am drafting mandatory sentencing guidelines for those
who resist it.
Regards,
****** "The Sicker Ticker" Cheney
