America's #1 Online Cigar Auction
first, best, biggest!

Last post 4 months ago by Palama. 34 replies replies.
Strawberry Festival
Jump to Bottom | Previous Topic | Next Topic
Magwitch Offline
#1 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 5:29 AM EST
Joined: 03-26-2010
Posts: 48
Painful weekend. Wife wanted to go to our town's "Strawberry Festival." A cutesy display of crafts, pies and people whom I'd like to see dressed out in body bags. I figured I could tolerate it until wife tells me her mother was coming with us. Wanted to drop her with a straight right to her snotbox as soon as she said it but controlled myself. Anyway, the old witch comes over. She resembles a dried apple with a turkey beak coming out of it . So I fill my hip flask with Jim Beam and pull an Airbender from the humey. As soon as I light up at the festival the old shrew starts in on me with comments to my wife loud enough for me to hear. "Your father smoked cigars when we first met but I stopped that. I don't know why you put up with it." I shot a glare at the wife and she kept it zipped. So I start taking hits from the flask and big ass draws from the Airbender. I've got a good buzz going when the old shrew starts talking about getting some fried dough or funnel cake or whatever crap they're selling. Wife asks me to go get some of this dough stuff while she and Mom look at table after table of the junk on display. Shrew tells me to put plenty of powdered sugar on her dough. I don't know if it was the Airbender or the bourbon but as soon as I get the dough for the hag I can't resist summoning up some absolutely retched snot from the depths of my lungs and spitting it all over her dough. Remembering her demand for lots of sugar I cover up the snot with the sugar. Watching her shove my lung butter into her hideous pie hole really saved the day. Couldn't suppress a broad smile as I enjoyed the second half of the Airbender. Nice to have a forum like this with like-minded people where I can really express myself. You guys are the best.
Warm regards,
Magwitch
TMCTLT Offline
#2 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 5:39 AM EST
Joined: 11-22-2007
Posts: 19,733
Its a shame you don't have the "testicular fortitude" to just tell her to keep her snide comments to herself' and remind her that what you do is none of her business! Rather than resorting to being a disgusting PIG. JMO
rfenst Offline
#3 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 5:53 AM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,304
Sounds as if you think the apple fell very far from the tree.
TMCTLT Offline
#4 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 5:59 AM EST
Joined: 11-22-2007
Posts: 19,733
robt, I can't say. Never met the tree :)
JadeRose Offline
#5 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 6:48 AM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
Why even respond to this guy...it's obvious (to me) that this is somebody just trying to get a rise outta the board. You'd never catch me responding to this kind of threa.......D'OH!!!!
delarob Offline
#6 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 6:53 AM EST
Joined: 06-28-2001
Posts: 5,318
Nice story ****bitch. Typically, fellas who write yarns such as yours are compensating for having to live through the exact opposite. I'll bet you even change the password on your computer daily so the ol lady doesn't find your S&M picture collection. Kind of a Marty McFly complex.
andytv Offline
#7 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 8:50 AM EST
Joined: 10-23-2002
Posts: 40,991
Great work!!!!.....confrontation is overrated.

Now that I think about, just about every cigar I've ever gifted or traded has been in my ass.
watchurai Offline
#8 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 8:55 AM EST
Joined: 09-17-2008
Posts: 9,289
Thank god I read that before I fired up any of them.

Bastid.
JadeRose Offline
#9 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 8:56 AM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
andy...do you run them in and out of your ass NINE times?
bloody spaniard Offline
#10 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 8:59 AM EST
Joined: 03-14-2003
Posts: 43,802
anything custard- filled will never taste the same to me

thank you

may a rectal tapeworm work its way out your nostril
pacman357 Offline
#11 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 9:40 AM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
I'm still waiting for the guy to clarify what he means by his wife's "snotbox".

BTW, my MIL is currently deceased. Too bad. I got along well with her as well as my former MIL. Both were sweethearts to me.
teelio Offline
#12 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:58 AM EST
Joined: 05-15-2006
Posts: 1,460
Well written. Very reminiscent of Bukowski.
ferd6 Offline
#13 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 12:03 PM EST
Joined: 10-19-2001
Posts: 1,145
#11 Pac...I know what you mean! My MIL AND FIL were super folks and I miss them both as much as I miss my own Mother. Between the wife and I, we were very fortunate to have the in-laws that we did.... not one problem from the day we said I do!
TMCTLT Offline
#14 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 12:13 PM EST
Joined: 11-22-2007
Posts: 19,733
#7
Andy why does this not surprise me? lol j/k
and by the way how was that for you?
Prolly lost a number of them huh? I hope they were just yer yard gars. Wait till your first colonoscopy, your doc. is gonna be like WTF!!!!!!!
Mr. Jones Offline
#15 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 7:26 PM EST
Joined: 06-12-2005
Posts: 19,421
Chizzlewit = Bloody

HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

AHomey240 = Bloody

HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
donutboy2000 Offline
#16 Posted: Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:21 PM EST
Joined: 11-20-2001
Posts: 25,000
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

Matthew 5:5
DBIII Offline
#17 Posted: Tue, Jun 22 2010, 12:20 AM EST
Joined: 11-22-2009
Posts: 6,951
^6.....****bitch.....LMFAO!
Mr. Jones Offline
#18 Posted: Tue, Jun 22 2010, 10:45 AM EST
Joined: 06-12-2005
Posts: 19,421
^^^#7 Andytv....LMMFAO!
ZRX1200 Offline
#19 Posted: Fri, Aug 26 2011, 8:40 PM EST
Joined: 07-08-2007
Posts: 60,599
Last years gem......
JCorber Offline
#20 Posted: Fri, Aug 26 2011, 8:57 PM EST
Joined: 07-19-2011
Posts: 178
Effin' hilarious....
rfenst Offline
#21 Posted: Fri, Aug 26 2011, 9:15 PM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,304
ZRX1200 wrote:
Last years gem......


Very well written. And, I didn't realize I had read it back when it was originally posted.
But, while reading it, I began to laugh so hard that I lost my breath.

Then, I had the wife read it. She tried as hard as she could to convince me how disgusting the story is, but I caught her smiling and we both cracked up together.

Great piece of work, OP!!!

(Now, I think I am going to get my 13 year-old son to read it to see what he thinks...)
whizzy1 Offline
#22 Posted: Thu, Dec 29 2011, 6:23 PM EST
Joined: 02-14-2007
Posts: 3,256
this is still great.....need a Chritmas magwitch story....
m j toal Offline
#23 Posted: Sat, Jul 14 2012, 11:40 AM EST
Joined: 03-06-2009
Posts: 3,226
Needed a good laugh.

Wonder where this gem is ?




VDAwhip
sd72 Offline
#24 Posted: Thu, Nov 29 2012, 11:25 PM EST
Joined: 03-09-2011
Posts: 9,600
^
nolen Offline
#25 Posted: Wed, Jan 2 2013, 12:52 PM EST
Joined: 09-05-2012
Posts: 1,083
Applause
rfenst Offline
#26 Posted: Thu, Jan 3 2013, 3:00 AM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,304
Magwitch = a character from Dickens' Great Expectations. He is not a gentleman.

Would someone please research June 2010 strawberry festivals to narrow down where the OP is from and who he may be?





(My guess is that here he is really AndyTV.)
m j toal Offline
#27 Posted: Sun, Aug 4 2013, 6:20 PM EST
Joined: 03-06-2009
Posts: 3,226
Strawberry Festivals are good summer fun filled events.
crgcpro Offline
#28 Posted: Sun, Aug 4 2013, 7:02 PM EST
Joined: 04-27-2012
Posts: 7,867
Yeah I think there's like 10,000 June strawberry festivals around the country each year.
Abrignac Online
#29 Posted: Fri, Jan 13 2017, 10:05 PM EST
Joined: 02-24-2012
Posts: 17,273
Shall we keep going?
cameroon Offline
#30 Posted: Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:56 AM EST
Joined: 04-06-2014
Posts: 810
Magwitch is the hero this board needs
Mr. Jones Offline
#31 Posted: Mon, Jan 16 2017, 11:20 AM EST
Joined: 06-12-2005
Posts: 19,421
MAGWITCH for SECRETARY OF STATE
JadeRose Offline
#32 Posted: Mon, Jan 16 2017, 3:48 PM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
cameroon wrote:
Magwitch is the hero this board deserves




Fixed that for you
whizzy1 Offline
#33 Posted: Tue, Jan 16 2018, 10:25 PM EST
Joined: 02-14-2007
Posts: 3,256
top
Palama Offline
#34 Posted: Mon, Jan 1 2024, 3:07 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2013
Posts: 23,680
.
Users browsing this topic
Guest
Back to Top