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Last post 4 years ago by izonfire. 32 replies replies.
How to Bullyproof Your Child
dstieger Offline
#1 Posted:
Joined: 06-22-2007
Posts: 10,889
This is a great 'article'.
But, what really fascinated me was that I read it in the New York Times.
It has been quite some time since I read anything in NYT that didn't make me upset, or at least a little queasy.


How to Bullyproof Your Child

Teaching children how to take the air out of the teasing.

By Estelle Erasmus

May 23, 2019

When my 10-year-old daughter was shunned by her friends a few years ago, we tried a surprisingly effective anti-bullying strategy.

The trouble started during a play date when three little girls battled over who would wear the one sparkly gown for dress-up. It ended up my daughter’s prize, infuriating one of the girls who told the rest not to play with her. My daughter defended herself, crying, as the other girls continued to taunt her.

Searching for answers, I came upon the work of Izzy Kalman, a school psychologist, educator and author of “Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends.” His concept of the golden rule is to treat the person insulting you as a friend rather than an enemy, and not to get defensive or upset.

Following his online advice, I told my daughter: “If they say they don’t want to play with you, say very politely, ‘It’s a free country. It’s O.K. if you don’t want to play with me.’ Then find something else to do.”

It seemed like a lot to ask of a child who was already upset. But we role-played until she had the script down. The next time someone tried to shun her, she didn’t act offended, and the other children saw her as less of a target and moved on. Eventually, the friendships resumed with minimal emotional collateral damage.

[Read more on helping kids manage social conflict.]

Mr. Kalman’s strategy differs from the approach favored by many schools in several ways: It avoids labeling a child as a bully (it’s an insult, like “wimp” or “loser”), but also advocates going to adults for advice or help with role playing. His method encourages kids to solve problems on their own rather than asking an adult to put pressure on the school to take the side of the upset child over the one identified as the “bully.” He also teaches children how to handle threats and situations where they are made to feel unsafe.

Of course, if a child is physically attacked, he deems that a crime and endorses calling for adult intervention.

“The message given today is that although sticks and stones can break my bones, words can kill me, but that is counterproductive,” Mr. Kalman said. If someone is committing a crime against you, go to the authorities. “But not because they’re insulting you or don’t want to sit with you at lunch.”

Don’t Punish Kids for Saying Negative Words

Mr. Kalman explained that when we punish kids for using certain words, it teaches them that words are very harmful. And when an adult punishes a child for saying something hurtful, it magnifies hostilities and takes the solution for fixing the issue out of the child’s hands.

“Nobody can guarantee their children a life without difficulties. If you protect your children from the social challenges of life, it weakens them,” he said.

Instead of having adults act like law enforcement officers against bullying, Mr. Kalman advises teaching children the following four facts:

1) The real reason they are being picked on is that they get upset when they are picked on.

2) They have been making themselves upset.

3) Fighting back and acting defensive fuels the bullying.

4) By not getting upset, the child wins, and gets the bullies to stop.

“The way to reduce bullying is to not punish kids for exercising their freedom of speech,” Mr. Kalman said. Teaching children that everyone is allowed to speak freely removes much of the power of the bullying and enables children to be their own advocates.

The popular model of encouraging parents and educators to report and punish bullying often escalates to more aggression, according to Susan Kavich, a principal at Three Rivers School in Channahon, Ill., who uses Dr. Kalman’s methods.

Dr. Doris M. Greenberg, a developmental and behavioral pediatrician in Savannah, Ga., said “Of all the approaches to the problem of bullying, Izzy Kalman’s approach stands out.”

But many anti-bullying experts think Mr. Kalman’s scripts oversimplify things and call on a child who is likely to be upset to show outsize maturity and restraint.

Susan P. Limber, a leading bullying researcher at Clemson University, said, “we would love to see a simple solution, but I don’t believe there is a quick fix — a curriculum or a schoolwide assembly — to this age-old problem of bullying. Unfortunately, bullying is a very complex problem that research shows requires a comprehensive sustained effort, and intervention at many levels, to change the climate and culture of the community.”

Barbara Coloroso, author of “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander,” said: “It’s a short walk from hateful rhetoric, to hate crimes to crimes against humanity. Bullying is neither normal, natural or necessary. It is a learned behavior. The bullies must be stopped.”

Of course, Mr. Kalman’s strategies are likely to be most effective if they are used to shut down teasing as soon as it starts. Some bullying situations are so overwhelming that a child feels unable to resolve the conflict alone, and needs to call in adults. But for cases like my daughter’s, learning these approaches can provide a script to help a child handle social conflict with confidence.

Following are some of Mr. Kalman’s suggested responses.
Approaches to Common Scenarios
Name Calling: “You are so fat! I don’t even know how you can walk.”

The Reflexive Response

“I am not fat!” or “Shut up!”

Mr. Kalman’s Approach:

“You are so lucky you’re so skinny because people are mean to fat people,” or “I like my body, but if you don’t that’s O.K. with me.”
Fielding a Rumor: “I heard from Tessa you cheated on the test.”

The Reflexive Response

“I didn’t. Tessa is a liar!”

“No, she’s not!

“She is! I didn’t cheat!”

“Everyone knows it’s true.”

“It’s not true!”

Mr. Kalman’s Approach:

“Really? Do you believe it?”

“No.”

“Good.”

Or, if the answer is “Yes”:

“O.K. If you want to believe it, how can I stop you?”

“You can’t. So I’m going to tell everyone you cheated. And you can’t stop me.”

“That’s right. I can’t.”
Exclusion: “I’m having a party and you’re not invited.”

The Reflexive Response

“That’s so mean,” or “I don’t want to come to your stupid party anyway.”

Mr. Kalman’s Approach

“If I’m not invited, I won’t come. I hope you have a great party.”
izonfire Offline
#2 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
How soon til you accuse me of crimes against humanity???

F OFF, STIEG!!!!!
dstieger Offline
#3 Posted:
Joined: 06-22-2007
Posts: 10,889
That was the awesomest part of the article....its just a short walk....wtf
izonfire Offline
#4 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
ERRRR...

FUQUE OFF STIEG!!!!!!!!!!!

(Pardon my French)
Gene363 Offline
#5 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
"The more you react the more control they have over you and the more react, the more they will continue."
izonfire Offline
#6 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
NOT SO!!!!!!!!!!!

SHUT THE FUQUE UP GUYS!!!!!!
victor809 Offline
#7 Posted:
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
I read this as "How to bulletproof your child"....

I suppose both are necessary...

Or perhaps neither is.
izonfire Offline
#8 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
Actually, I find it strangely ironic to find another post regarding the approach to understanding man's inhumanity towards man. As if many of you are actually compassionate, caring, decent human beings.

An excerpt from a post from Celtic on the "What are you reading" forum.
Found it fascinating:
CelticBomber wrote:
It's amazing how relevant some of the ideas are even today. The idea that fear is the driver for all sin and that's why we don't lead the lives we want and why no matter how many riches we gather we will never find true happiness in them. Just wish it was easier to keep track of the who's who. I think Terry Pratchett explained it best. There are all kinds of horrible evils in the world and nothing one human being won't do to another and it all starts with one simple evil. Treating people as things. Once you can treat a person as a thing the skies the limit on the horrors we will happily commit. If I treat you as a thing and not a person, I don't have to fear you judging me. Once you get there, it's an easy step to how dare something as insignificant as you judge me in the first place! You DESERVE what I do next. It's a tough read but if you're fascinated by what drives people to do the things they do like I am it's worth the effort.


Don't know if cross-posting is accepted, but I'm kinda new here, so no teasing, OK???

Errrrrr, y'all can tease me if you want. It's OK. And there's nothing I can do about it anyway...
izonfire Offline
#9 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
victor809 wrote:
I read this as "How to bulletproof your child"....

I suppose both are necessary...

Or perhaps neither is.



How do you test it?
Guess on your least-favorite child
dstieger Offline
#10 Posted:
Joined: 06-22-2007
Posts: 10,889
izonfire wrote:
Actually, I find it strangely ironic to find another post regarding the approach to understanding man's inhumanity towards man. As if many of you are actually compassionate, caring, decent human beings.
.


I really don't care to understand it....I just want this country to stop puzzifying our children
izonfire Offline
#11 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
dstieger wrote:
wtf


Was kinda wondering where you been all weekend, but I guess preparing this bombshell, huh?

Thanks
dstieger Offline
#12 Posted:
Joined: 06-22-2007
Posts: 10,889
Fishing....over 30 hours in the kayak since Friday
izonfire Offline
#13 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
dstieger wrote:
I really don't care to understand it....I just want this country to stop puzzifying our children


Lucky I don't have kids.
Trying to guard them from the mental mind-fuque that is modern society has got to be stupefying
izonfire Offline
#14 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
dstieger wrote:
Fishing....over 30 hours in the kayak since Friday


Jealous. Good for you man.
victor809 Offline
#15 Posted:
Joined: 10-14-2011
Posts: 23,866
izonfire wrote:
How do you test it?
Guess on your least-favorite child



meh.... everyone's child is my least favorite child.
opelmanta1900 Offline
#16 Posted:
Joined: 01-10-2012
Posts: 13,954
dstieger wrote:
Fishing....over 30 hours in the kayak since Friday

How'd you do?
izonfire Offline
#17 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
victor809 wrote:
meh.... everyone's child is my least favorite child.


HAAAAAAA!!!! LOL
You too, huh?
izonfire Offline
#18 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
dstieger wrote:
That was the awesomest part of the article....its just a short walk....wtf


YES. Insane to make that deduction.
And to think that these "experts" may be responsible for policy and protocol.

Crazy
dstieger Offline
#19 Posted:
Joined: 06-22-2007
Posts: 10,889
opelmanta1900 wrote:
How'd you do?

Good numbers. Lots of good fish, but missing the kicker I need....month long bass tourney...5 fish limit, I remain 1 inch off the lead....plenty of 17-19 inch fish...the big ladies are avoiding me
izonfire Offline
#20 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
dstieger wrote:
....


BTW - I apologize.
I did not mean to imply that you in particular are a compassionate, caring, and decent human being.

Sorry if I offended you
opelmanta1900 Offline
#21 Posted:
Joined: 01-10-2012
Posts: 13,954
dstieger wrote:
Good numbers. Lots of good fish, but missing the kicker I need....month long bass tourney...5 fish limit, I remain 1 inch off the lead....plenty of 17-19 inch fish...the big ladies are avoiding me

Are you wearing your no fat chicks t-shirt? That could be it...
Speyside Offline
#22 Posted:
Joined: 03-16-2015
Posts: 13,106
LMAO!!!! Victors least favorite kid? Every kid!!!
dstieger Offline
#23 Posted:
Joined: 06-22-2007
Posts: 10,889
izonfire wrote:
BTW - I apologize.
I did not mean to imply that you in particular are a compassionate, caring, and decent human being.

Sorry if I offended you

I wasn't the least bit offended...not until you apologized, I mean
delta1 Offline
#24 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
my bad...I read "How to BULLETPROOF Your Child"...that would be much more useful...carry on...
izonfire Offline
#25 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
dstieger wrote:
I wasn't the least bit offended...not until you apologized, I mean


Wouldn't have it any other way ThumpUp
izonfire Offline
#26 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
delta1 wrote:
my bad...I read "How to BULLETPROOF Your Child"...that would be much more useful...carry on...


As did Victor and I.
Guess that says more about us...
Speyside Offline
#27 Posted:
Joined: 03-16-2015
Posts: 13,106
If you bulletproof your child do you then paint a target on him? It seems only fair
Speyside Offline
#28 Posted:
Joined: 03-16-2015
Posts: 13,106
I had a method that worked with bullies also. Beat the living he11 out of them. Seemed effective, they only bothered me part of once.
izonfire Offline
#29 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
Speyside wrote:
If you bulletproof your child do you then paint a target on him? It seems only fair


Set 'em free in the yard and see what kind of ammo they can handle
Speyside Offline
#30 Posted:
Joined: 03-16-2015
Posts: 13,106
Sound logic.
Speyside Offline
#31 Posted:
Joined: 03-16-2015
Posts: 13,106
This could be a blockbuster reality show! Is a headshot a winner or does it disqualify you?
izonfire Offline
#32 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
Speyside wrote:
This could be a blockbuster reality show! Is a headshot a winner or does it disqualify you?


No, that qualifies you for the next level. A perimeter is set around the neighborhood,
and you can continue to plink em off as your roam freely. Kinda like a safari.

Fun!
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