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Thursday Funnies
Buckwheat Offline
#1 Posted:
Joined: 04-15-2004
Posts: 12,251
Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Andy, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, "The A-hole had a paper route."


When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally he comes back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich.


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the
San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them
on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll
give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the
street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big
crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these
chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now
we're going to Sea World."



I’ve started carrying a knife since an attempted mugging a few years ago…

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.


Have a good rest of your day! fog
Gene363 Offline
#2 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
Thanks! A better morning now! LOL
Burner02 Offline
#3 Posted:
Joined: 12-21-2010
Posts: 12,861
BigGrin
Krazeehorse Offline
#4 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Bravo!
delta1 Offline
#5 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
hahaha
DrafterX Offline
#6 Posted:
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,508
That doesn't sound very sincere Delta... Mellow
delta1 Offline
#7 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
lololol....better?
frankj1 Offline
#8 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,211
no!
8trackdisco Offline
#9 Posted:
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 59,992
I WANT MY THURSDAY FUNNIES!

New jokes! New Jokes!
izonfire Offline
#10 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
Where Buckwheat at???
8trackdisco Offline
#11 Posted:
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 59,992
Or Krazyhorse.
jespear Offline
#12 Posted:
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,462
Three nuns die in a car accident and are greeted by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
As they start to walk in, St Peter says,
"Hold on, Sisters. Before you enter Heaven, you must pass an entrance quiz. You just have to answer a single question, but don't worry, the questions are real easy."
He looks at the first nun and says, 'Sister, Your question is . . . Who was the first man ?"
The nun smiles and says, Oh. that IS an easy one. ADAM !"
"Okay, you're in ", replies St Peter.
He then looks at the second nun and says, Sister, you're question is . . . Who was the first woman ?"
Oh, that's an easy one. EVE !"
"Okay, you're in", says St Peter.
He looks at the third nun and says, "Sister, You're question is . . . What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
The third nun thinks for a few seconds and says, "Oh my, THAT'S a hard one !"
St Peter says, "Okay, you're in too!"
izonfire Offline
#13 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
Ha!!!

Thanks Jes.
It’s Friday, but my brain is still in Thursday...
Krazeehorse Offline
#14 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Two nuns are riding their bicycles in the city. One nun says "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies "it's probably the cobblestones."
izonfire Offline
#15 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 8,642
Krazeehorse wrote:
Two nuns are riding their bicycles in the city. One nun says "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies "it's probably the cobblestones."


Nice Krazee - thanks!

Better late than never. Period.
(that's a relief)
USNGunner Offline
#16 Posted:
Joined: 05-17-2019
Posts: 4,402
Krazeehorse wrote:
Two nuns are riding their bicycles in the city. One nun says "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies "it's probably the cobblestones."



BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Good one. Applause
Palama Offline
#17 Posted:
Joined: 02-05-2013
Posts: 23,461
It's not Thursday yet but we all can use a good laugh everyday.
Gene363 Offline
#18 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
The current Mr. Faceless cartoon: https://www.faceless.co.za/read_fl.asp?pass_num=2082
Krazeehorse Offline
#19 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.
One afternoon, he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.
“Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.”
frankj1 Offline
#20 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,211
old lawyers never die...they just lose their appeal.
MACS Offline
#21 Posted:
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 79,593
Men are much better cooks than women.

Only a man could take 2 eggs and a sausage and fill a belly for 9 months.
Gene363 Offline
#22 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
MACS wrote:
Men are much better cooks than women.

Only a man could take 2 eggs and a sausage and fill a belly for 9 months.



I like this recipe. Applause Applause Applause
tonygraz Offline
#23 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2008
Posts: 20,175
Can be very costly in the long run thereafter tho.
Gene363 Offline
#24 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
tonygraz wrote:
Can be very costly in the long run thereafter tho.


True that! Best to leave the eggs out.
MACS Offline
#25 Posted:
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 79,593
So, I was sitting in this bar when two very large women with accents sat across from me.
I said, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells at me, "It's Wales, you idiot."

I replied, "OK, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.
8trackdisco Offline
#26 Posted:
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 59,992
MACS wrote:
So, I was sitting in this bar when two very large women with accents sat across from me.
I said, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells at me, "It's Wales, you idiot."

I replied, "OK, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.


Applause
delta1 Offline
#27 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,754
I think MACS got Waled on...
frankj1 Offline
#28 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,211
delta1 wrote:
I think MACS got Sperm Waled on...

oh my...
MACS Offline
#29 Posted:
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 79,593
frankj1 wrote:
oh my...


RIP Wheelie... good'un Frankie.
BuckyB93 Offline
#30 Posted:
Joined: 07-16-2004
Posts: 14,111
A guy shows up at work with two black eyes. When a coworker asked what happened he said...

"I was riding on the bus this morning when this woman stood up to get off. I noticed her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass, so being a gentleman, I politely pulled it out for her. She turned around and clocked me".

"OK,but how'd you get the other black eye?" asked his coworker.

"Well it was pretty obvious she wanted it up there, so I started tucking it back in."
Gene363 Offline
#31 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
No favor goes unpunished. LOL
dkeage Offline
#32 Posted:
Joined: 03-05-2004
Posts: 15,135
A guy goes in to have a colonoscopy and lays down on the table. The doctor comes in and says “ ok Steve, just relax, don’t get an erection, we can get through this.” The patient turns to him and says “ my name is Dave.” The doctor says “ I know, my name is Steve”.
8trackdisco Offline
#33 Posted:
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 59,992
dkeage wrote:
A guy goes in to have a colonoscopy and lays down on the table. The doctor comes in and says “ ok Steve, just relax, don’t get an erection, we can get through this.” The patient turns to him and says “ my name is Dave.” The doctor says “ I know, my name is Steve”.


Huh
Gene363 Offline
#34 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
Run Dave Run!

LOL LOL LOL
Stogie1020 Offline
#35 Posted:
Joined: 12-19-2019
Posts: 5,231
dkeage wrote:
A guy goes in to have a colonoscopy and lays down on the table. The doctor comes in and says “ ok Steve, just relax, don’t get an erection, we can get through this.” The patient turns to him and says “ my name is Dave.” The doctor says “ I know, my name is Steve”.

LOL
Krazeehorse Offline
#36 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Know the easiest way to burn 1000 calories?
Forget your frozen pizza is in the oven.
DrMaddVibe Offline
#37 Posted:
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 55,301
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw'
DrafterX Offline
#38 Posted:
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,508
Mellow
Krazeehorse Offline
#39 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responds, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.
The priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork?
To which the rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.
The rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?
The priest replied, Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.
The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?
Gene363 Offline
#40 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
^ Indeed it does. LOL LOL LOL
Krazeehorse Offline
#41 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
I’m a day late…..
Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.

After the exam, she shyly began, my husband wants me to ask you…

I know, I know, the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. I get asked that all the time, sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.

No, that’s not it, Catherine confessed, he wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.
Krazeehorse Offline
#42 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
I see people out there my age zip lining and climbing mountains and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
Gene363 Offline
#43 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
LOL LOL LOL
Krazeehorse Offline
#44 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
I hear the new Bud Light calendar is going to be nuts!
Burner02 Offline
#45 Posted:
Joined: 12-21-2010
Posts: 12,861
Krazeehorse wrote:
I see people out there my age zip lining and climbing mountains and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.



I know the feeling.
Gene363 Offline
#46 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,669
Krazeehorse wrote:
I see people out there my age zip lining and climbing mountains and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.



Burner02 wrote:
I know the feeling.



Y'all are not alone.fog
Krazeehorse Offline
#47 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"
8trackdisco Offline
#48 Posted:
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 59,992
Krazeehorse wrote:
An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"


Hey Ooooooooo!
8trackdisco Offline
#49 Posted:
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 59,992
Neighbor left their garage door open overnight. Whoops.

Some criminal entered it in the middle of the night stealing their limbo stick.

Man, how low can you go?
BuckyB93 Offline
#50 Posted:
Joined: 07-16-2004
Posts: 14,111
^ Rim shot
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