America's #1 Online Cigar Auction
first, best, biggest!

Last post 2 months ago by tonygraz. 38 replies replies.
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Krazeehorse Offline
#1 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,095
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
bassman45 Offline
#2 Posted:
Joined: 07-05-2009
Posts: 3,985
😂😂
jjanecka Offline
#3 Posted:
Joined: 12-08-2015
Posts: 4,333
Nice
Palama Online
#4 Posted:
Joined: 02-05-2013
Posts: 14,540
Always good to have a good laugh! ThumpUp
CelticBomber Offline
#5 Posted:
Joined: 05-03-2012
Posts: 5,313
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.

Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.

Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.

Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!

Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20


Love this joke. Really should be a a permanent thread for jokes.
Krazeehorse Offline
#6 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,095
BigGrin
fishinguitarman Offline
#7 Posted:
Joined: 07-29-2006
Posts: 69,105
Lmao at both!!!!!
fishinguitarman Offline
#8 Posted:
Joined: 07-29-2006
Posts: 69,105
Hadda send this to my RN daughter!
USNGunner Offline
#9 Posted:
Joined: 05-17-2019
Posts: 4,402
ThumpUp
Gene363 Offline
#10 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 24,875
LOL
Krazeehorse Offline
#11 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,095
A Mexican magician told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three. He went Uno, dos..He disappeared without a tres.
Sunoverbeach Offline
#12 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 4,173
Quatro! Wooly Bully!
izonfire Offline
#13 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 5,398
Krazeehorse wrote:
A Mexican magician told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three. He went Uno, dos..He disappeared without a tres.

Hay Papi.
¡Gracias!

A double dos...
bassman45 Offline
#14 Posted:
Joined: 07-05-2009
Posts: 3,985
This is crazy, but it Works. Mine was Casablanca and it is true. Check it out.
Honestly this is kinda crazy!!!
Try this mathematical film test. It's pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Casablanca". I was surprised how this worked.
This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favorite. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Don't cheat and look at the film list till you have done the maths!
Here goes...
Film Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below.
Film List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Love of Black C o c k
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt-fire
18. Toy Story”
RMAN4443 Offline
#15 Posted:
Joined: 09-29-2016
Posts: 7,025
Damn, it's like a miracle....Anxious
frankj1 Offline
#16 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 33,707
ya bastid!
izonfire Offline
#17 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 5,398
Whatever you need to do to justify your obsession...
delta1 Offline
#18 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 21,762
fucque me... dammit bassman!
Krazeehorse Offline
#19 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,095
delta1 wrote:
fucque me... dammit bassman!

It comes down to being honest with one's own self.
Brewha Offline
#20 Posted:
Joined: 01-25-2010
Posts: 9,167
Ok - that’s a good trick.

I didn’t even notice that with 9 choices there are 18 outcomes....
delta1 Offline
#21 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 21,762
or that my real fave movie wasn't on the list...so I shouldna played...
fishinguitarman Offline
#22 Posted:
Joined: 07-29-2006
Posts: 69,105
YOU SUCK!
delta1 Offline
#23 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 21,762
yah...I know, right?

nobody has that movie to rent around here either...
Gene363 Offline
#24 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 24,875
Math jokes, they alway add up to the same.
MACS Offline
#25 Posted:
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 68,135
The Count of Montecristo... one of my favorite cigars, too.
Krazeehorse Offline
#26 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,095
An old man hobbled into an ice cream parlor and

pulled himself gently, painfully up onto a stool...

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana

split.

The waitress kindly asked, “crushed nuts?”

“No” he replied, “Arthritis.”
bassman45 Offline
#27 Posted:
Joined: 07-05-2009
Posts: 3,985
😂
Krazeehorse Offline
#28 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,095
Back in the day the only time we did any panic buying was when the bartender yelled last call.
RMAN4443 Offline
#29 Posted:
Joined: 09-29-2016
Posts: 7,025
I always filled my cooler well before last call....Beer
but still did my share of panic buying at last call...Anxious
delta1 Offline
#30 Posted:
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 21,762
Krazeehorse wrote:
An old man hobbled into an ice cream parlor and

pulled himself gently, painfully up onto a stool...

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana

split.

The waitress kindly asked, “crushed nuts?”

“No” he replied, “Arthritis.”



waitress asked, "wanna squirta marshmallow sauce?"

he replied, "sorry honey...got erectile dysfunction"
CelticBomber Offline
#31 Posted:
Joined: 05-03-2012
Posts: 5,313
bassman45 wrote:
This is crazy, but it Works. Mine was Casablanca and it is true. Check it out.
Honestly this is kinda crazy!!!
Try this mathematical film test. It's pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Casablanca". I was surprised how this worked.
This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favorite. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Don't cheat and look at the film list till you have done the maths!
Here goes...
Film Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below.
Film List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Love of Black C o c k
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt-fire
18. Toy Story”



Immediately thought of TWWub
Krazeehorse Offline
#32 Posted:
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,095


Q: *What is an Economic Stimulus payment?*
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: *Where will the government get this money?*
A: From taxpayers.

*Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?*
A: Only a smidgen of it.

*Q: What is the purpose of this payment?*
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: *Isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?*
A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras,and Guatemala.
* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead keep the money in America by:
(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or
(2) Go to a ballgame, or
(3) Spend it on prostitutes, or
(4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Your friendly tax accountant.
Palama Online
#33 Posted:
Joined: 02-05-2013
Posts: 14,540
Sadly the big beer brands aren’t American owned anymore. Brick wall
frankj1 Offline
#34 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 33,707
Palama wrote:
Sadly the big beer brands aren’t American owned anymore. Brick wall

big beer sucks
MACS Offline
#35 Posted:
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 68,135
frankj1 wrote:
big beer sucks


Well American big beer, maybe... Spaten and Ayinger are big beer in Germany and they are delicious! So, I uh... guess Germany can look forward to my stimulus check. Beer
izonfire Offline
#36 Posted:
Joined: 12-09-2013
Posts: 5,398
frankj1 wrote:
big beer sucks

All depends on your perspective.
There’s a story behind that, but me tired...
clintCigar Offline
#37 Posted:
Joined: 05-14-2019
Posts: 2,361
But I've never seen the movie "The Love of Black C o c k" Confused
tonygraz Offline
#38 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2008
Posts: 13,006
Call 888-388-2683 and they will send you a free DVD.
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