America's #1 Online Cigar Auction
first, best, biggest!

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in RETIREMENT . . .

1.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

2.
On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favours"

3.
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4.
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

5.
Sing along at The Opera.

6.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7.
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8.
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'

9.
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married.

They had to wait for Mildred’s mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.

She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother’s.

It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken its course over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself, she's going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, Chester I have acute angina.

Chester says, I sure hope so, cuz you’ve shore got ugly tits.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

****** CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

I t’s weird being the same age as old people.

W hen I was a kid I wanted to be older… this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter and I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are…

I see people about my age mountain climbing and I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. (One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.)

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

HA HA 😂😂

Way back in the day I actually did that. Our cable system required a box and everyone's was the same so I would take the remote with me when I walked in the evening. If I saw a TV through a window (from the sidewalk) I'd point and shoot.

John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself that's the last thing I need.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it but not necessary that you show it off.

Some relationships are a lot like algebra Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? roamin’ Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

There is attitude, and then there is a positive attitude!

Life is not the way it’s supposed to be – it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

After his plane was hit, and he was forced to eject, the US Air Force pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a pilot, but an Air Force pilot, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:

You may not feel anything from the waist down.

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply, can I feel your tits, then?

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude!

Saturday Night Fever...good movie...great music...needed some tits...


<-------titty twister

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjZR6Htma18

^^That's funny.

That's teamwork!!!

Good stuff - thanks dudes

I like pizza Steve

I may have seen this one on here before.

Joe and Bill are taking their dogs for a walk on a very hot summer afternoon in NYC. Joe has a German Shepard and Bill has a Chihuahua. Joe says, "Hey Bill, I REALLY could go for a cold beer. Why don't we stop in the next bar and cool off ?"
Bill says, They'll never let us in with the dogs." Joe says, "Don't worry about it. Just follow my lead when we get to the bar."
A few blocks later, they go into Cavanaugh's Cafe. Joe gets about 5 steps in, and the bartender says, "Hey pal, you can't bring that dog in here." Joe says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender apologizes and Joe goes and sits at the bar. Bill starts to walk in and the bartender again says, 'You can't come in here with that dog." Bill, following Joe's lead, says, I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "A CHIHUAHUA ?"
Bill says, "HUH ? Is THAT what they gave me ?"

Every position possible?

I never had neck sex before... I guess you'd call that "Deeper Throat"

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"