One Thing
A Russian, American, and Pollock are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. Each of them agrees to take one item as they have to continue through the desert on foot.
The Russian and Pollock ask the American what he is going to take.
He said, "the water in case I get thirsty."
They said that's cool.
The American and Pollock ask the Russian what he is going to take.
He said, "the food in case I get hungry."
They said that's cool.
The American and the Russian ask the Pollock what he is going to take.
He said, "the car door in case I get hot all I have to do is roll down the window."
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TIMBUKTU
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists.
A Yale graduate and a Pollock from Buffalo.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
------------ "Slowly across the desert sand,
------------ Trekked a lonely caravan.
------------ Men on camels, two by two,
------------ Destination-Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Pollock top that, they thought. The Pollock calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
------------ "Me and Tim a huntin' went,
------------ Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
------------ They was three, and we was two.
------------ So I bucked one, and Timbuktu!"
The Pollock won, hands down!
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Clinton & Pearly Gates
Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.
"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton."
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
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'X' rated movie
A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before -- rents her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. The blonde says, 'I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static.'
The store clerk replies, 'Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?' The blonde says, 'It's called Head
Cleaner.'
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THE **** STUDY
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's **** is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $180,000.
The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's **** is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject.
After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's **** is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.
When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study was complete.
They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's **** is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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APPLICATION TO LIVE IN TENNESSEE
(Please fill in all blanks)
Name (last): ________________
(first-please check one):
(_) Billy Bob
(_) Billy Joe
(_) Billy Ray
(_) Billy Sue
(_) Billy Mae
Age: ________
Sex: (_) Male (_) Female (_) N/A
Shoe size: ___ left ___ right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair dresser
(_) Unemployed
Spouse's name: ___________
Relationship to spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children in household: ____
Number of children that are yours: ____
Mother's name: ____________________
Father's name: _____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education (Circle highest grade completed): 1 2 3 4
Do you (_) Own or (_) Rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Number of firearms you own and where you keep them
___ Truck
___ Bedroom
___ Bathroom
___ Kitchen
___ Shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__
Do you have a gun rack: (_) Yes (_) No
If no, please explain: ____________________________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe?
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) N/A
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco
(_) Red Man
How far is your home from a paved road:
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) Don't know
Thank you. Your form will be processed and you will be contacted.
Mrs. Usahog
