WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Congressional Republicans
heaped fulsome praise on President Obama’s second Inaugural Address
today, saying that it had given them a detailed list of things to thwart
over the next four years.
“My big fear was that the speech would be full of vague platitudes that
wouldn’t be helpful to us in plotting against him,” said House Speaker
John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Once he started offering details of what he actually
hoped to accomplish, though, I realized we had hit the mother lode.”
Speaker Boehner praised the President for citing such specifics as hiring math
and science teachers, building roads, and reducing health-care costs: “Now
that we know that’s what he’s got in mind for his second term, we can hit the
ground running to stop him.”
“My takeaway from the speech was, if we work hard enough,
there’s nothing we can’t keep him from doing,” he said.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) praised Mr. Obama for injecting
humor into a usually somber address: “I loved that joke about ending political name-calling.”
