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MaduroJorge Offline
#251 Posted: Sun, Mar 31 2024, 8:07 PM EST
Joined: 03-27-2023
Posts: 106
I live in a really tuff neighborhood!
At the local Italian restaurant , they serve broken leg of lamb!
MaduroJorge Offline
#252 Posted: Sun, Mar 31 2024, 8:34 PM EST
Joined: 03-27-2023
Posts: 106
The waiter comes to a pretty blondes' table to take the dinner order
"Would you like a glass of wine"
"No thank you,its not good for my legs" says she
" Oh do they swell"?
"No, they spread"
Gene363 Offline
#253 Posted: Mon, Apr 1 2024, 12:41 PM EST
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,822

Prophecy Class Canceled Due to Unforeseen Circumstances.
MidnightToker( • )( • ) Offline
#254 Posted: Mon, Apr 1 2024, 1:42 PM EST
Joined: 10-20-2023
Posts: 844
Woman : You never listen to me. You only hear what you wanna hear.

Man: Sure, I'll have a beer.
MaduroJorge Offline
#255 Posted: Mon, Apr 1 2024, 8:14 PM EST
Joined: 03-27-2023
Posts: 106
Applause Applause
MidnightToker( • )( • ) wrote:
Woman : You never listen to me. You only hear what you wanna hear.

Man: Sure, I'll have a beer.
Telecaster52 Offline
#256 Posted: Mon, Apr 1 2024, 10:11 PM EST
Joined: 04-22-2022
Posts: 719
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb holding a jar
Preacher walks by.
Hey Johnny whatcha got there?
He said . Preacher this it the most powerful liquid in the world.
Oh yeah? what is it?
it's liquid nitrogen.
Preacher say's well that powerful stuff but the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water.
Johnny say' how ya figure?
Preacher say's you can put 2 drops of holy water on a woman's tummy and she'll pass a baby boy.
Johnny say's thats pretty good Preacher but I can put 2 drops of this on a cats azz and he'll pass a motorcycle.
MidnightToker( • )( • ) Offline
#257 Posted: Wed, Apr 3 2024, 4:48 PM EST
Joined: 10-20-2023
Posts: 844
God wants to go on vacation so he asks the angels for suggestions.

One suggests Mercury. God says no, last time I went there I got a sunburn and heat exhaustion.

Another angel says Pluto. God says no thanks, last visit there I froze the whole time and almost got frostbite.

Another angel suggests Earth. God says no way, last time I was there I knocked up a Jewish virgin and they're still talking about it.
Gene363 Offline
#258 Posted: Thu, Apr 4 2024, 9:34 PM EST
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,822
PSA to Expecting Parents:

PLEASE!

I beg you.

Please look at what your child's name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,

Marlana
RobertHively Offline
#259 Posted: Sun, Apr 7 2024, 10:20 AM EST
Joined: 01-14-2015
Posts: 1,857
MaduroJorge wrote:
I live in a really tuff neighborhood!
At the local Italian restaurant , they serve broken leg of lamb!


Here's a photo of the worst hood I've ever lived in: https://imgur.com/a/HvusVJo
Gene363 Offline
#260 Posted: Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:13 AM EST
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,822

The Thee Symptoms of Laziness:

Number one:
MidnightToker( • )( • ) Offline
#261 Posted: Fri, Apr 19 2024, 1:10 PM EST
Joined: 10-20-2023
Posts: 844
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but it's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.
jeebling Offline
#262 Posted: Fri, Apr 19 2024, 2:25 PM EST
Joined: 08-04-2015
Posts: 1,161
MidnightToker( • )( • ) wrote:
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but it's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Haha! Good one!

Beer Herfing
danmdevries Offline
#263 Posted: Mon, Apr 22 2024, 9:46 PM EST
Joined: 02-11-2014
Posts: 17,406
Wife asked me tonight

What's the difference between a fridge and a butthole?


Fridge don't fart when you pull the meat out.
Telecaster52 Offline
#264 Posted: Tue, Apr 23 2024, 2:27 AM EST
Joined: 04-22-2022
Posts: 719
The farmer is working in his field when little Johnny walks up.
Johnny- hey mister i noticed you have honeysuckle's on you fence. You mind if I go get some honey?
Farmer- You can't get honey from that but you're welcome to try.
about an hour later Johnny comes back with 2 jars of honey.
Farmer scratches his head in disbelief and goes back to work.
A week later Johnny comes back and says hey mister i see you have milkweed in the field. Do you mind if I go get some milk.
Farmer- you can't get milk from those weeds but you're welcome to try.
An hour later Johnny comes back with 2 jugs full of milk.
Farmer shakes his head and goes back to work.
A few days pass.
Johnny comes back and say's sir i noticed you have some pussywillow tree's
Farmer say's hold on a minute boy let me get my hat I'm coming with you.
jeebling Offline
#265 Posted: Tue, Apr 23 2024, 9:32 AM EST
Joined: 08-04-2015
Posts: 1,161
Telecaster52 wrote:
The farmer is working in his field when little Johnny walks up.
Johnny- hey mister i noticed you have honeysuckle's on you fence. You mind if I go get some honey?
Farmer- You can't get honey from that but you're welcome to try.
about an hour later Johnny comes back with 2 jars of honey.
Farmer scratches his head in disbelief and goes back to work.
A week later Johnny comes back and says hey mister i see you have milkweed in the field. Do you mind if I go get some milk.
Farmer- you can't get milk from those weeds but you're welcome to try.
An hour later Johnny comes back with 2 jugs full of milk.
Farmer shakes his head and goes back to work.
A few days pass.
Johnny comes back and say's sir i noticed you have some pussywillow tree's
Farmer say's hold on a minute boy let me get my hat I'm coming with you.


Applause That’s a good one
MidnightToker( • )( • ) Offline
#266 Posted: Tue, Apr 23 2024, 4:19 PM EST
Joined: 10-20-2023
Posts: 844
Telecaster52 wrote:
The farmer is working in his field when little Johnny walks up.
Johnny- hey mister i noticed you have honeysuckle's on you fence. You mind if I go get some honey?
Farmer- You can't get honey from that but you're welcome to try.
about an hour later Johnny comes back with 2 jars of honey.
Farmer scratches his head in disbelief and goes back to work.
A week later Johnny comes back and says hey mister i see you have milkweed in the field. Do you mind if I go get some milk.
Farmer- you can't get milk from those weeds but you're welcome to try.
An hour later Johnny comes back with 2 jugs full of milk.
Farmer shakes his head and goes back to work.
A few days pass.
Johnny comes back and say's sir i noticed you have some pussywillow tree's
Farmer say's hold on a minute boy let me get my hat I'm coming with you.

LaughThumpUp
MACS Offline
#267 Posted: Sat, Apr 27 2024, 4:06 PM EST
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 79,798
Man walks into a bar and sits down next to a cute blonde. Casually glances at her, then looks at his watch.

Blonde says, "Is your date running late?"

Man replies, no... I got this smart watch here. It speaks to me telepathically.

Blonde asks, "So what is it telling you now?"

Man replies, Well it says you're not wearing any panties... is that so?

Blonde says, "It must be broken, because I am wearing panties."

Man taps his watch and says, oh... sh1t... it's an hour ahead. Angel
BuckyB93 Offline
#268 Posted: Sat, Apr 27 2024, 9:29 PM EST
Joined: 07-16-2004
Posts: 14,209
Three elderly guys, Fred, Pete, and Gary, live in the same house.

Fred draws a bath and dips his toes in then calls out "Am I coming out of the tub or going in?"

Pete hears this and says "Ill be right up there to check it out." While walking up the stairs, Pete asks "Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"

Gary, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, thinking to himself "Geeze I hope I don't get as bad as them" then knocks on the table for good luck (knock on wood).

Gary calls out "I'll be right up to help after I answer the door."
BuckyB93 Offline
#269 Posted: Sat, Apr 27 2024, 9:29 PM EST
Joined: 07-16-2004
Posts: 14,209
Two Six NINE!
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