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One liners
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RknRmnd Offline
#1 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 4:44 AM EST
Joined: 10-16-2001
Posts: 407
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Thought it was cute and had to share
RJ
Tobasco Offline
#2 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 7:48 AM EST
Joined: 02-08-2003
Posts: 2,809
RknRmnd, you cheated! Thats more than 1 line! Hehe!

Here's one.

One in the bush is worth 2 in the hand!! Hehehe!!

Mag
Charlie Offline
#3 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 7:53 AM EST
Joined: 06-16-2002
Posts: 39,751
"best way to catch a knuckleballer, is to walk back to backstop and pick it up"!

Charlie
DrMaddVibe Offline
#4 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 1:25 PM EST
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 55,469
"You can observe a lot by watching."

Yogi Berra
DrMaddVibe Offline
#5 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 1:28 PM EST
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 55,469
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth.

Mark Twain
jjohnson28 Offline
#6 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 2:02 PM EST
Joined: 09-12-2000
Posts: 7,914
Mmmmmmmmmm Beeeer...
Charlie Offline
#7 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 2:07 PM EST
Joined: 06-16-2002
Posts: 39,751
"Do ya feel lucky punk"?

Charlie
jd1 Offline
#8 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 2:15 PM EST
Joined: 02-14-2001
Posts: 3,118
"Beer..helping ugly people have sex since 1862"
jd1 Offline
#9 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 2:21 PM EST
Joined: 02-14-2001
Posts: 3,118
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never like anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
eleltea Offline
#10 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 4:27 PM EST
Joined: 03-03-2002
Posts: 4,562
Did you hear about the midget who walked into a bar and kissed everyone in the joint?
jjohnson28 Offline
#11 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 5:07 PM EST
Joined: 09-12-2000
Posts: 7,914
El,thats sounds a lot like Ricky...LOL
jjohnson28 Offline
#12 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 5:09 PM EST
Joined: 09-12-2000
Posts: 7,914
Stress: The uncontrollable urge to reach out and choke the sh*t out of somebody you really deserves it.Also, see RICKAMAVEN,CJbully and our newest friend jdrabinski...LOL
Tobasco Offline
#13 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 5:49 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2003
Posts: 2,809

JJ, please cut jdrabinski a little slack.

I've had one on one comunications with him. He is a good man. He may have issues that we dont agree with, but he isnt disrespectful to anyone when making his points.

Mag
DrMaddVibe Offline
#14 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 5:58 PM EST
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 55,469
Mag, he's a commie!

With friends like THAT, who the hell needs a mother-in-law?
Todog Offline
#15 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 6:30 PM EST
Joined: 05-05-2001
Posts: 804
You don't know my mother-in-law!
Tobasco Offline
#16 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 7:13 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2003
Posts: 2,809
DrMaddVibe, I definatly agree with your points of view politically more than his. Its not even close!

But we must be able to debate each other when our opinions differ. Thats my only point.

If we didnt allow other opinions, then we become like the countries we despise.

Mag
jjohnson28 Offline
#17 Posted: Sat, Feb 1 2003, 8:43 PM EST
Joined: 09-12-2000
Posts: 7,914
Mike,I'll take that into consideration for what it's worth but I'll roast whomever I choose to roast if you don't mind. :0)
Tobasco Offline
#18 Posted: Sun, Feb 2 2003, 4:29 AM EST
Joined: 02-08-2003
Posts: 2,809
JJ, was just a suggestion. I know you will roast anyone you want. Hehe!

Mag
RICKAMAVEN Offline
#19 Posted: Sun, Feb 2 2003, 5:13 AM EST
Joined: 10-01-2000
Posts: 33,248
waitresss, in a lounge, walks up to a customer and asks "would you like a cocktail?"

"yes" says the customer, "tell me one."
BMW Offline
#20 Posted: Sun, Feb 2 2003, 7:01 AM EST
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 3,010
"It was like that when I got here."

"I didn't do it, you didn't see me do it, you can't prove I did it."

Barry
E-Chick Offline
#21 Posted: Sun, Feb 2 2003, 5:39 PM EST
Joined: 06-15-2002
Posts: 4,877
What's the last thing a Hill-billy says?

Hey, y'all, watch this!
plabonte Offline
#22 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 4:24 AM EST
Joined: 09-11-2000
Posts: 2,131
What do Hillbillys do on Halloween?

Pumpkin.
THL Offline
#23 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 4:42 AM EST
Joined: 10-22-2002
Posts: 3,044
If the toothbrush had been invented anywhere but West Virginia it would have been called teethbrush.
tailgater Offline
#24 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 7:59 AM EST
Joined: 06-01-2000
Posts: 26,185
After attempting to sign his name with a thermometer, the proctologist proclaimed "some **** has my pen..."
tailgater Offline
#25 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 8:01 AM EST
Joined: 06-01-2000
Posts: 26,185
"I did not have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky"
Penguin13 Offline
#26 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 8:18 AM EST
Joined: 07-26-2002
Posts: 1,546
Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

KC
Penguin13 Offline
#27 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 8:20 AM EST
Joined: 07-26-2002
Posts: 1,546
Giraffe walks into bar, bartender says "High balls are on me."

KC
RDC Offline
#28 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 9:24 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
A midget walks into a bar... OUCH!
Penguin13 Offline
#29 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 9:42 AM EST
Joined: 07-26-2002
Posts: 1,546
Top Ten "One Liner" questions:

1. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
2. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
3.Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
4. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
5. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
6. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
7. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
8. Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
9. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
10. When an elevator is illegally overloaded with passengers, who is criminally responsible?

KC
miluns Offline
#30 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 10:48 AM EST
Joined: 01-06-2003
Posts: 199
here's another one:

why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
RDC Offline
#31 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 11:05 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
Yes and why are they called buildings when they are already built? They should be called Builts.
RDC Offline
#32 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 11:05 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
Take my wife... please!
RDC Offline
#33 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 11:35 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its butt when it hopped.
RDC Offline
#34 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 11:36 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
Mmmmmmmm, floor pie.
Penguin13 Offline
#35 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 3:19 PM EST
Joined: 07-26-2002
Posts: 1,546
Mmmmmm ... crumbled-up cookie things

KC
cwilhelmi Offline
#36 Posted: Mon, Feb 3 2003, 3:30 PM EST
Joined: 07-24-2001
Posts: 2,739
"Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."

"The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"
RDC Offline
#37 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 5:26 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Charlie Offline
#38 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 5:35 AM EST
Joined: 06-16-2002
Posts: 39,751
"May you be in Heaven, 30 minutes before the Devil finds out you are dead"!

Charlie
RDC Offline
#39 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 5:39 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arm pits.
RDC Offline
#40 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 5:42 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
My Karma ran over my Dogma.
Danny Offline
#41 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 5:52 AM EST
Joined: 06-21-2002
Posts: 613
what if there were no rhetorical questions?
RknRmnd Offline
#42 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 11:17 AM EST
Joined: 10-16-2001
Posts: 407
Not PC.. What do you tell a woman that has two black eyes... Nothing, you've already told her twice! (sorry E-, heard that one last night)
Lowman Offline
#43 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 11:39 AM EST
Joined: 12-03-2002
Posts: 6,982
I have two on the same line as the one posted above but I don't want to offend anyone.
RDC Offline
#44 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 11:58 AM EST
Joined: 01-21-2000
Posts: 5,874
Go for it Low
jjohnson28 Offline
#45 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 12:10 PM EST
Joined: 09-12-2000
Posts: 7,914
Why do women have smaller feet than Men do?










So they can stand closer to the sink while they're doin the damn dishes.
eleltea Offline
#46 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 12:56 PM EST
Joined: 03-03-2002
Posts: 4,562
Hear the one about the tall Indian who was nuts over his girlfriend?
tailgater Offline
#47 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 3:48 PM EST
Joined: 06-01-2000
Posts: 26,185
A new report shows that there are thousands of battered women in America.
...and to think that for all this time I've been eating them plain...
RknRmnd Offline
#48 Posted: Tue, Feb 4 2003, 6:54 PM EST
Joined: 10-16-2001
Posts: 407
A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.


These are just jokes.. not to offend just to make you laugh.
RJ
Lowman Offline
#49 Posted: Wed, Feb 5 2003, 3:50 AM EST
Joined: 12-03-2002
Posts: 6,982
OK RDC...

PLEASE NOTE : The following 2 one liners are NOT my views or opinions. They are just some "jokes" that I have heard over the years. These are NOT PC nor do I agree with them. Thank You...

With that being said:

Q: What do you do when the dishwasher stops working? A: Give her a slap.

Q: What do a thousand battered woman have in common? A: They just don't listen.


Low

If anyone in offended... This was written by Lowman-imposter .
eleltea Offline
#50 Posted: Thu, Feb 6 2003, 5:59 AM EST
Joined: 03-03-2002
Posts: 4,562
I had a really good one to post, but it looks like this thread has been pretty much buried. Too bad.
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