D A M I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go
to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. M O M 'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective
suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how
you couldn't wait till they moved out.
D U M E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of loud country
western music and cheap beer.
F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of
commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N: Potent anti-boy-otic for older
women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You
make me want to be a better person ... can we get
naked now?"
B U Y- A G R A: Injectable stimulant to be taken prior
to shopping. Increases potency and duration of
spending spree.
EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-AL: When combined with
Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so
severe the victim may even come home with a book by
Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a
man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or
phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a
purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in
treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.
R A G A M E T: When administered to a husband,
provides the same irritation as nagging on him all
weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing
it herself.
P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
improves flirting.
