And here are the appropriate responses to our BOTL's accurate translations (in parenthesis)
At long last... The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.
Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).
You want = You want (no need for action)
We need = I want (her problem. she can get the damn thing if she wants it)
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. (and it is. Act on it)
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later. (You're going to pay one way or another, may as well be this)
We need to talk = I need to complain (doesn't mean you have to listen)
Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to. (get it in writing, use it later)
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! (she's going to be upset about something. at least now you know what it is this time)
You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. (yeah... I got nothing here. shower you damn monkey)
You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about? (The correct answer is "yes")
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period. (Not our problem)
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs. (Lights stay on until you get yourself to a treadmill, B$tch)
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. (doesn't really matter. She doesn't cook)
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... (as long as all I have to do is nod at colors)
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. (as long as all I have to do is nod at colors)
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! (never put a nail into a wall until the decision has lasted two weeks)
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. (sounds like time she paid for her protection...ie bjs)
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. (sigh)
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like. (sigh... sigh....)
I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. (hey.. tv!)
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful. (yes it is. get your fat $ss to the treadmill)
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. (I was communicating when I said your fat #ss needed to get to the treadmill)
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.] (no)
Yes = No (get it in writing)
No = No (get it in writing)
Maybe = No (get it in writing)
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry. (wow... never heard that statement....i think it's a fluke)
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it. (wow... never heard that statement....i think it's a fluke)
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. (like everything else, if it cries it isn't my problem. and who's dumb-#ss idea was it to pop some crying thing out anyway!??!?)
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. (it's not important.)
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? (just make sure to stop by the jeans department and let her get a look at her butt.)
(The answer to "What’s wrong?")
The same old thing = Nothing (get it in writing)
Nothing = Everything (doesn't matter what it means. stick to your guns)
Everything = My PMS is acting up (not your problem. Her body, her problem. If she dislikes PMS so much, she can get shots.. also fixes the above issue with babies)
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an **** (hold her at her word men! Don't give!
I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam (YAY!!! She doesn't want to talk about it! Skip off into the sunset and lavishly enjoy your few minutes of silence... life is good!)