An Irish Tale of Woe -
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and
Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father,
me dog is dead. Could'ya be sayin' a mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature."
Muldoon said: "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough ta donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
