Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Andy, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, "The A-hole had a paper route."

When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally he comes back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich.


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the
San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them
on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll
give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the
street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big
crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these
chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now
we're going to Sea World."


I’ve started carrying a knife since an attempted mugging a few years ago…

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Have a good rest of your day!

hahaha

lololol....better?

I WANT MY THURSDAY FUNNIES!

New jokes! New Jokes!

Or Krazyhorse.

Ha!!!

Thanks Jes.
It’s Friday, but my brain is still in Thursday...

Nice Krazee - thanks!

Better late than never. Period.
(that's a relief)

It's not Thursday yet but we all can use a good laugh everyday.

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.
One afternoon, he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.
“Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.”

Men are much better cooks than women.

Only a man could take 2 eggs and a sausage and fill a belly for 9 months.

Can be very costly in the long run thereafter tho.

So, I was sitting in this bar when two very large women with accents sat across from me.
I said, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells at me, "It's Wales, you idiot."

I replied, "OK, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.

I think MACS got Waled on...

RIP Wheelie... good'un Frankie.

No favor goes unpunished.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw'

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responds, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.
The priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork?
To which the rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.
The rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?
The priest replied, Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.
The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?

I’m a day late…..
Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.

After the exam, she shyly began, my husband wants me to ask you…

I know, I know, the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. I get asked that all the time, sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.

No, that’s not it, Catherine confessed, he wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.

I know the feeling.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

Neighbor left their garage door open overnight. Whoops.

Some criminal entered it in the middle of the night stealing their limbo stick.

Man, how low can you go?