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Dear Chief
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big chief Offline
#1 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:27 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
Some moons back, Chief post e-mail address to help launch $5 bill thread. Since then, many posters have contacted Chief seeking answers and advice on a multitude of issues ranging from art to zucchini. Apparently, these posters can sense Chief's heap medicine and heap wisdom from afar and hope to benefit from his counsel.
Chief not mind. Chief help people for many, many years and really enjoys it. But Chief wonder: Why not go public with this help?
So, here's your chance.
Post your questions and raise your problems here, and Chief will answer with his help on everything--art, fashion, careers, alcohol, etiquette, business, music, pets, parents, religion, politics, etc.--let no subject be taboo!
Simply address your question in this thread to 'Dear Chief' and I will do my best to answer it!
grmcooper Offline
#2 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:31 PM EST
Joined: 10-10-2006
Posts: 20,430
Dear Chief....

There's a Bobcat in my back yard stalking my children.



What do I do????










Cooper
Thunder.Gerbil Offline
#3 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:35 PM EST
Joined: 11-02-2006
Posts: 121,359
Ok.


Have a low-fat recipie for Zucchini soup that acutally tastes good?
Charlie Offline
#4 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:37 PM EST
Joined: 06-16-2002
Posts: 39,751
Is this going to be a Carnack kind of thing?

Charlie
big chief Offline
#5 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:39 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
grmcooper, #2,
We have this problem here sometimes with housecats and mountain lions. Do what Chief would do:
Kill cat. Send head and fore-paws to Chief.
ScottHar Offline
#6 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:42 PM EST
Joined: 01-05-2007
Posts: 9,844
Dear Chief:

Let's just say, hypothetically, that a wife said the following to her husband:

"Be honest now, honey, 'cause I'm really just curious. Which one of my friends -- if I swore it was okay -- would you most like to sleep with? Really, I won't be mad, I just want to know."

My question to the chief is: Is it better for a guy to sleep in the driver's side of a car with the seat reclined? Or stretched out across the back seat? (Assume that the car is parked near a convenience store and has access to a steady supply of ice for the injuries.)

ScottHar
big chief Offline
#7 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:45 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
T.G, #3,
'..a low-fat recipe for good zucchini soup...'

Zucchini grow so well here that people must lock cars to prevent vandals from breaking in and filling them with squash, so Chief understand this one.
First, zucchini: Bah! Best fed to pig.
But if someone insists on making it into some sort of deploreable soup, have them use beer for liquid instead of water or broth. And use lite beer for 'low-fat' soup.
big chief Offline
#8 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:47 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
Charlie, #4,
Doesn't Carnock predict future? Mebbe bend spoons?
No, this gonna be 'advice' thread
Charlie Offline
#9 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:48 PM EST
Joined: 06-16-2002
Posts: 39,751
LMAO at the deplorable soup comment...this should be board on cbid...Askum Big Chief..

Charlie
big chief Offline
#10 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:58 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
ScottHar, #6
Wife: '...which of my friends would you like to sleep with...'

Chief's advice would have been: 'ALL OF THEM'. That would have kept squaw on toes for years to come, and probably yielded multiple wet, slippery blowjobs as she would be living in heap fear.
However, you acted without seeking Chiefs counsel and wisdom. So let's deal with current problem: You are sleeping in car, and are wounded. You have Chief's sympathies. What Chief would recommend is sending your squaw some flowers, and then go seek first aid--and hopefully they are not all upper body wounds--from one of squaws friends...
teedubbya Offline
#11 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 2:03 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
took blue pill
erection over 4 hours
wife hid phone not let me call dr
what me should do?
big chief Offline
#12 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 2:07 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
TDub, Wife is sending heap message!!
Use that erection for what it was meant for!!

Confidentially, Chief have this problem, too. Put on Elton John album, problem go away...
teedubbya Offline
#13 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 3:06 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
Chief

TW put elton john album on it..... nothing happen.... mebbe try ice instead?
teedubbya Offline
#14 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 3:10 PM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
mebbe try elton face down this time
Charlie Offline
#15 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 3:30 PM EST
Joined: 06-16-2002
Posts: 39,751
LMAO....rear entry?

Charlie
8trackdisco Offline
#16 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 4:15 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,103
How would history be different if Sparticus had a Piper-cub?
lou2row Offline
#17 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 5:33 PM EST
Joined: 12-22-2006
Posts: 9,995
Dear Cheif,
Who did more work, Hanna or Barbera?
lou2row Offline
#18 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 5:33 PM EST
Joined: 12-22-2006
Posts: 9,995
Chief
i before e
fishinguitarman Offline
#19 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 5:47 PM EST
Joined: 07-29-2006
Posts: 69,152
How do I get my wife to have sex with me more than once a week?
big chief Offline
#20 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 7:10 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
#14, TDub,
good gawd, that should be a great ****** softener...Chief will remember that 'cure' for future posters who have similar problem.
big chief Offline
#21 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 7:13 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
#15, Charlie,

LMAO, but still, Chief would never recommend that.
We must be polite, you know...
big chief Offline
#22 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 7:21 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
#16, 8Track,
'...how would history be different if Sparticus had a Piper-Cub...'
You've thrown Chief a curve with this one. The only thing Chief is sure of is that Sparticus would have scored more chicks had he been able to discard those flowing robes and gotten down to BASIC BLACK...
big chief Offline
#23 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 7:27 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
Lou, #17,
Gaddam but you guys ask some different questions!
Bob Hanna tells me that Joe Barbera was a figment of his imagination and could never figure out how to dress properly for an awards presentation. Therefore, Chief concludes that Hanna did all the work.
big chief Offline
#24 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 7:36 PM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
#19, FGM,
'...how get sex from wife more than once a week...'

This easy. Get more wives. With 2 wives, get sex 2x week. 3 wives, get sex 3x week. It all geometric...pretty soon you get sex 500 times a week and not need it any more!
Not need wives, either!
jackconrad Offline
#25 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 7:47 PM EST
Joined: 06-09-2003
Posts: 67,461
# 19 MARRY A HOOKER
ScottHar Offline
#26 Posted: Sun, Jul 27 2008, 9:56 PM EST
Joined: 01-05-2007
Posts: 9,844
^Terrible idea. They never want to bring work home.

ScottHar
teedubbya Offline
#27 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 3:46 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
chief - still trying elton john fix.... still erect and eltons nose is HUGE
DrafterX Offline
#28 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 4:02 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,588
Chief, are you my father?
rasdas Offline
#29 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 4:45 AM EST
Joined: 03-13-2003
Posts: 4,716
Big Chief is most deserving of own forum here in cigarbid...

Question...why RasDas hurt after eating 20 wings at Hooters in Bentley sauce and 2 pitchers of shiner bock??
teedubbya Offline
#30 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 4:50 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
Chief - why buy preperation H suppositories when cheap old popsicles work just as well?
big chief Offline
#31 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 5:37 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
TDub, 27
'...still erect...'

Try go visit 'picture forum', open 'Fireman' thread.
That should help.
teedubbya Offline
#32 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 5:40 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
picture forum visited

elton fell hard to ground

thanks chief

now to go buy popsicles
big chief Offline
#33 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 5:41 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
#28, DrafterX,
'Chief, are you my father?'

Depends on your age, Drafter. Chief has been dealing with horny squaws for over 43 years. So, if you are under 43 years of age then it is possible...
DrafterX Offline
#34 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 5:43 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,588
huh... I'll be 44 this year.... born in Oregon also...
big chief Offline
#35 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 5:49 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
#29, rasdas asks,

'Chief, why hurt after eating too many fire wings and drinking two pitchers beer?'

This easy one, rasdas! Person must keep food and drink in delicate balance--and you overeat! Try eating HALF as much and then balance things out by drinking TWICE as much.
big chief Offline
#36 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 5:50 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
#34, DrafterX,

uh-oh...whereabouts in Oregon?
rasdas Offline
#37 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 5:52 AM EST
Joined: 03-13-2003
Posts: 4,716
10 wings and 4 pitchers...i think i can do that...

THANKS CHIEF !!!...
DrafterX Offline
#38 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 6:00 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,588
Lived in Tillimook county Chief.... could see the bay from the front yard... beautiful place to grow up...
Charlie Offline
#39 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 6:21 AM EST
Joined: 06-16-2002
Posts: 39,751
Big Chief, do you have a cigar store Indian?

Charlie
edsbar60 Offline
#40 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 7:24 AM EST
Joined: 12-12-2005
Posts: 9,435
No, he has a cigar store paleface.
Bluedevil Offline
#41 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 7:30 AM EST
Joined: 06-16-2006
Posts: 7,383
Big Chief,
If the South had won the Civil War, would we be better or worse?
big chief Offline
#42 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:33 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
TDub, #30,

'why buy Prep-H when popsicles work just as well?'

Chief not need to think too much on this. The best reason to continue the use of Prep-H is that no one knows it is there--unlike the popsicle which leaves an unflattering, tell-tale bulge that might ruin the shape of ass, as well as letting lookers know that there is foreign object in butt hole.
big chief Offline
#43 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:37 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
DrafterX, #38,

'...lived in Tillamook...'

Whew! We're both safe. Chief never been there. Secretly, Chief knew this--you sound too smart to be one of Chief's offspring...
big chief Offline
#44 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:40 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
Charlie, #39,
'...Chief, you have cigar store Indian...'

Edsbar answered correctly, Charlie. Chief have wooden Paleface. Chief discover that the really good thing about wood is that darts will stick to it...
Thunder.Gerbil Offline
#45 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:43 AM EST
Joined: 11-02-2006
Posts: 121,359
TW,

Not to threadjack Chief's advice column here, but next time you have that problem with the blue pill, forget elton john, just do a google photo search for "tubgirl". That ought to do you.
big chief Offline
#46 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:48 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
Bluedevil, #41,
'...if south had won Civil war, would we be better or worse...'

What Chief knows on this matter is this: No one won the gaddam Civil War--both sides LOST.
Whether we would be better or worse is speculative, of course.
However, had the South prevailed, 3 things are clear to Chief:
1) We would all be eating more grits and okra (bah!);
2) We probably wouldn't have this Obama character running for president, and;
3) There would be a great many people in the North mumbling hopefully 'The North gonna rise again!'
andytv Offline
#47 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:50 AM EST
Joined: 10-23-2002
Posts: 40,991
Dear Chief......

I have heap problem. I can't stop masturbating. Sometimes I polish totem ten....twelve times in one moon.

My member is rubbed raw.

I feel heap terrible about this........I am happy married to good squaw but all I do is play with myself. It is not fair to my squaw and I spend so much time hiding and tossing it that I also neglect children.

I need your help Big Chief.......can you recommend lotion that is non-chafing?
DrafterX Offline
#48 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:53 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,588
43. Author: big chief
Whew! We're both safe. Chief never been there. Secretly, Chief knew this--you sound too smart to be one of Chief's offspring...



^ Thanks Chief... would have been an honor tho...
maybe become blood brothers someday...

teedubbya Offline
#49 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 9:54 AM EST
Joined: 08-14-2003
Posts: 95,637
chief ever in Iowa during summer of love?
big chief Offline
#50 Posted: Mon, Jul 28 2008, 10:12 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2008
Posts: 10,378
Andy, #47,

'...can't stop masterbating and have worn man-spear raw...can Chief recommend good lotion...?'

Chief always have squaw help so don't know much about lotions. Chief have question for you: It sounds as if you are purposely exfoliating your pleasure column: Why? Mebbe compulsive behavior? Chief will help. Him send bag of sand to mix with your lotion--this will cure your abhorrent behavior (you filthy man).

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