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Dear Dr. Cavallo,

I keep getting pebbles in my shoes. What should I do about it?

Sincerely,

Rocky in Rockport

Thanks! And here I was just gonna buy new shoes - ones without holes in them.

Thanks Dr. Cav!

and now, a pause for station identification and a message from The Beauty Advisor:

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you're tuned to cbid misc forums, and boy is this miscellaneous!

tip o' the hour from The Beauty Advisor:

If you have an unsightly zit on your face use an eyeliner pencil(in a brown shade) and turn it into a beauty mark!

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PP in DC:

yours is a very common problem, mister player. but before we get into that, thank you for the lovely compliment. and YES! i have been known to wear The Weave on occasion. how sweet of you to notice!

now then, mister sassy pants, back to your problem.

we have to start low and go lower here. sometimes when you hit the bottom, you just have to dig! dig like the wind! or is it break like the wind? who knows. anyway, can you dig it?

PP, this has F-E-A-R written ALL over it! human beings are odd little ducks. if we meet something new to us, our first instinct is to FEEEEEAAAR it. this is leftover from our caveman days, much like your knowledge of the english language! oh, but i kid. i love, and i kid.

what your wife is going through is simple cavewoman fear. this other scary creature, genus "girlus friendus" has her knickers in a knot because she doesn't understaaaaaand this "other" in your life. the most dangerous thing in the world is the human imagination left to run amock with no information to settle its butt down! your wife is thinking, "who is this woman? does he love her more than me? if he does, will any of his sweet sweet lubbins be left for me?" oh, ALL kinds of fear here, sweetie. it's a FEAR FRENZY in your wife's addled little head!

well, just like the cavemen and cavewomen of old, you can use that nifty thing we call "fire" and shed some light into that old gal's walls! er, cave walls that is. let's not go too kinky!

what you need to do is pick a time when you're all three available and not harried or burdened with too much of life's silly old problems, and make some FIRE in that cave of yours! a little wine, perhaps, a little barry white on the stereator -- introduce that girlfriend of yours to your wife. show her that the "ooooooooo! big scary OTHER!" is just a shadow in her dark imagination, just a shadow on the wall caused by the moon! "see, honey?" you can tell your wife "she ain know kina monstir gon byt your azz!"

indeed, your wife will see that this "threat" is really no threat at all! just a sweet little pussycat, not about to harm a single soul. encourage your wife and girlfriend to talk, get to know each other. you know, explore each other a bit and feel each other out. or up. i think you'll all three be feeling close and cozy in NO time!

thanks for sharing,
dokter cab

p.s. did you know that the word "illuminate" comes from the latin "lumin" which means "light?" well, silly, now ya do! now go get 'em, tiger, and light BOTH their fires!

Daer Dr. Cavallo,

I am convinced you are nucking futs. And I LIKE IT!

Dear Dr.Cavallo,whenever someone pulls my finger,I fart. Why is that? X

dear gonz:

i think it's best to answer to your dilemma with a parable, if you will.

you see, once upon a time there was a man who owned a humble campground. he'd only get a handful of people there each season, but he was a simple man -- much like you -- and was content.

but one summer he decided to give the folks who camped there a little something extra to like about the campground, and he arranged for a lake to be dug and filled with water.

well, let ME tell YOU! they were NUTTY for the lake. aaaaaaabsoluuuuuutely loved the lake, these campers. so they told their friends, and next summer, sure enough, the man had twice as many campers. well then! he had a little more money in his pockets these days -- are you with me so far? good.

so the man thought, "if i do this well now, think of how much more business i could do if i was open in the winter months, too!" well, sure, but who's going to go jump in a frozen lake? aside from those creepy "polar bear club" people, that is. but i digress. the man decided to take his newfound wealth and put it into a heating system for the lake.

the early october winds grew chilly, and people who had camped there in the summer came back to enjoy one last fling with mother nature before heading back to their nowhere jobs and the daily grind. they frolicked and picnicked, and some took advantage of this lovely new amenity, this heated lake, and jumped in for a little swimmypoo.

then tragedy struck.

something went horribly wrong. the electrical system fritzed, and the campers died slow, horrible deaths by electrocution. white bellied swimmers shrieked and sank and came floating to the top -- oy! i tell you, it was SUCH a tragedy!

well, the campground owner went mad at the sight of what his greed had done to him and stabbed himself in the eye with a plastic spork and died. not immediately. he barely made a scratch -- the infection got him, though.

anyway, the moral of this story is... YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LAKE AND HEAT IT, TOO!!!!

so you see, mister tighty fists, when you hold back like that f'no reason? people suffer. just think of how many had to suffer through that horrible pun tale just because you can't shake loose a bit of the goodies.

put the matches in the packages, mister stingy britches!

I like lots of sex,lots of cigars, and lots of Heineken whats my prognosis. Dr. prognosticator...


first I like to drink my Heineken with a cigar, than I like sex and cigar, after sex I like a cigar with my Heineken.

time for another beauty tip!

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If you have ugly spider veins on your legs or arms, take some hemorrhoid cream and smooth generous amount on, then wrap your legs, or arms in saran wrap for about 2 hours, it helps shrink the skin and will fade the spider veins.

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Wow... that story had sex, beer and cigars. The only thing it was missing was football.

shawn wrote:
"The only thing it was missing was football"

yo, after that last one, do you REALLY want to add football in there? ;) lol

okay, who's up next? PLEAAAASE someone take over!

ah, pablocito... just don't make it an extra long latte! ;)

heh. this has been fun, but sooooomebody's gotta take ovah now! step up!

Dear Cavallo,

Why is it that our children can't legally read a Bible in a public school, but they can in a federal or state prison?

jimmy asks:
"Why is it that our children can't legally read a Bible in a public school, but they can in a federal or state prison?"

okay, mister sassy pants! you know as well as i do that in prison there are people there who are willing to TEACH johnny how to read -- FINALLY! oh, but i kid, i kid.

you know, we have two misconceptions to work with here. the first is that kids can't legally read the bible in school. POPPYCOCK! hogwash, i say! while this is still in the top ten list of "Email Forwards Sent By Secretaries Pushing 40 While Typing 90," it is untrue.

the bible is READILY available in the libraries of MOST public schools in our country. children can check it out, but let's be honest here -- is a child of 10 going to go for Thee and Begotten over Francis And The Hamburger Incident? kids may also bring a bible from home to read on their own time. nary a whelp has been arrested at the gates yet for bringing their bibles to school, mister malarkey!

just for giggles, i called around today to a public elementary, junior high and high school and asked the school librarians if the bible was available for kids to read. they were! more than one copy and different translations even!

okay, you secretaries of the world -- whip out that memo for the boss, because you've got some REAL typing to do! spread it around as quickly as you can -- as if an AIDS-infected needle was chasing you and trying to cut out your kidney and leave you in a bathtub full of ice!

your love of truth COMPELS you to spread the news -- the bible's back in town, baby -- and in fact, it never left!

TYPE LIKE THE WIND, SECRETARIES!!

but let's move on to the martha stewart portion of your question. do you think ms. martha reads the bible? i wonder if she'll take up "but i'm a christian now" in her appeal stage, or if the sisters of the koran will snag her first. what a dilemma!

now really, what would you choose? on the one hand you have the bible talking about how adornments are an exercise in vainglory (ungood, though isn't that a pretty word, vainglory? they should name a flower that!). on the other hand you have the koran... but all those BURKHAS! what do you do? what DO you do?

well, while martha might have a helpful hint or two about snazzing up those dreary burkhas ("ten nifty halloween costumes you can make from your burkha while still covering all but 2 inches in the eye area with fabric" for instance), i suspect she'll stick with the bible.

though all kinds of religious books are readily available, i suspect that our martha will stick with to the bible. after all, clothing isn't her forté -- but i'll bet she'll get lost in a merry reverie reading about the last supper!

and besides, i just can't envision her hangin' with the sistahs.

helpfully,
dr. cavallo :)

p.s. the bible isn't read in harder core prisons so much these days (though it remains available in the prison these rough and tumble criminals are on tinterhooks with excitement over soon-to-be-released "THE BIBLE" a movie by mel gibson. chariot crashes! angelina jolie as jezebel! gratuitous gladiators clash following the "throw the christians to the lions!" scene. what's not to like for a hard con?

Dear Dr Cavallo,

Something has been bugging me lately. Deep in my heart I feel that Fred Flintstone should KNOW and UNDERSTAND that the large order of ribs is going to tip over his car. With that in mind, riddle me this: Why does he order them at the end of EVERY show?

Sincerely,

Confused in Colorado

Allow me to feild this one Dr.!

Puskarich- Fred Flintstone is obviously a heavy practicioner of insurance fraud! He has alot of hobbies and interests for someone who operates a dinosaur in a gravel quarry N'cest pa? So he seems to be augmenting his income from weekly claims for his hoopty being flipped. And you wondered why your rates were so high!

Dear Dr. Cavallo: I plan on getting married soon and I am going to tell my soon to be wife about my family. My father is in prison for killing three priests on a bet, my mother is a drug dealer, my sister is a prostitute, and my brother is a pedophilic. Now here's my question, after I tell her about my family should I also tell her I'm a liberal or do you think it would be too much for her to handle. JonR