INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL.............
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cat's cheeks while holding pill in your right hand. As the cat opens his mouth, POP pill into mouth. Allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve the cat from the bedroom, and throw away the soggy pill. Take out new pill, cradle the cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill into the back of cat's mouth with right forefinger. HOLD mouth shut for a 10 count.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the wardrobe. Call your spouse for help. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly betwee knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold the cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into the cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain, get a new pill. Make note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside to glue later. WRAP cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
6. Check label on pill bottle to see if the pill is harmful to humans, drink a large glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water.
7. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat into cupboard and close door onto neck to leave only head showing. Force mouth open with spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
8. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to your cheek and check records as to when you had your last tetanus shot. Throw away old T shirt.
9. Phone fire dept to retrieve cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor for cat causing him to swerve into tree.
10. Take last pill from bottle. Tie cat's front and rear paws tightly with twine and bind legs to dining room table. Put on heavy duty gloves. Force a spaner into mouth of cat, and push pill into throat followed by a large piece of meat. Hold cat vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
11. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room at local hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitchs your fingers and forearm and removes remnants of pill from your eyes. Stop on your way home to order a new dining room table.
12. Phone the Vet to arrange for a house call.
I hope this information is useful.... ;>)
Mag
