There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced
> > to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
> > The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
> > program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your
> > pockets."
> >
> > ========
> >
> > While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
> > carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of
> > humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand
> > printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and
> > grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
> >
> > ========
> >
> > A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys
> > and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot
> > up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
> > "Really! y? How do you! know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our
> > Father, who does art in Heaven... "
> >
> > ========
> >
> > A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
> > before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
> > but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service
> > station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
> > pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It
> > seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
> > ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you
> > mean. It's the same in my business."
> >
> > ========
> >
> > People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the
> > center of attention.
> >
> > ========
> >
> > "Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the
> > world. There are those who wake up in the morning and
> > say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in
> > the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
> >
> > ========
> >
> > A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
> > because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a
> > meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
> > "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll
> > miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
> >
> > When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
> > with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't
> > give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into
> > temptation."
> >
> > ========
> >
> > A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I
> > know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and
> > replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The
> > son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So,
> > son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for
> > 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
> >
> > ========
> >
> > Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
> > lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
> > scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was
> > perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and
> > the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
> > about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is
> > coming."
> >
> > ========
> >
> > There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible
> > to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there
> > anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the
> > Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
> >
> > ========
> >
> > The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to,
> > after the worship service, ask the congregation to
> > come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to
> > the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find
> > that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been
> > brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know
> > what to play.
> > "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll
> > have to think of something to play after I make the
> > announcement about the finances."
> > During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
> > Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice
> > as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who
> > can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that
> > moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled
> > Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular
> > organist!
> >
> >
> >
> > HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS
> > The Dentist's Hymn:..................... Crown Him with Many Crowns
> > The Weatherman's Hymn.............. There Shall Be Showers of
> > Blessings
> > The Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One Foundation
> > The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy, Holy, Holy
> > The Golfer's Hymn:...................... There's a Green Hill Far
> > Away
> > The Politician's Hymn:.................. Standing on the Promises
> > The Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See
> > The IRS Agent's Hymn:................. I Surrender All
> > The Gossip's Hymn:....................... Pass It On
> > The Electrician's Hymn:.................. Send The Light
> > The Shopper's Hymn:.................... Sweet By and By
> > The Realtor's Hymn:....................... I've Got a Mansion, Just
> > Over the
> > Hilltop
> > The Massage Therapists Hymn...... He Touched Me
> > The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician
> >
> >
> > AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
> > -----45mph.................... God Will Take Care of You
> > -----55mph.................... Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
> > -----65mph.................... Nearer My God To Thee
> > -----75mph.................... Nearer Still Nearer
> > -----85mph.................... This World Is Not My Home
> > -----95mph.................... Lord, I'm Coming Home
> > -----Over 100mph........... Precious Memories
> >
> > Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
> > Give me the grace to see a joke,
> > To get some humor out of life,
> > And pass it on to other folk
Just thought ya'll might like these. My Dad sent them to me, thinking I could use a laugh.
Laughter is best when shared.
Later
Dave (A.K.A. Homebrew)
