Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: Incase he got a hole in one.
Q: Why did the cow go to the video store?
A: To get a MOOvie.
Q: What is Irish and sits outside all year long?
A: Paddy O'Furniture
Q: What is the difference between a tuna fish and a piano?
A: You can't tune a fish.
Q: What pet is found in most cars?
A: A car-pet
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?
A: Because she ran away from the ball.
Q: What would happen if everyone in the country bought a pink car?
A: We would have a pink carnation.
Q: What is the biggest jewel in the world?
A: A baseball diamond.
Q: What kind of doctor treats ducks?
A: A quack.
Q: When is an operation funny?
A: When it leaves the patient in stitches.
Q: What is that thing which you cannot hold for five minutes, yet it is as light as a feather?
A: Your breath
Q: Whats brown and sticky?
A: A stick
Q: How can you get on tv?
A: Sit on your set
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge.
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "
Sheli: " No, what about her?"
Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."
Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"
Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."
A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," replied Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
