I'm a liberal because.
1. I think people already make and keep too much of their own money. Afterall, who really needs more than 40 to 50K for a family of 4? Much of that should already go to the government for the well being of all, and definitely anything over that... The government could do a much better job with that money than any of you and they should have access to it. After all, they printed it?
2. I believe people shouldn't but in to other peoples bedrooms (really I do), butt, I also believe (fingers crossed) that homosexuals should be allowed to marry and have all the same benefits that traditional married couples have been afforded, i.e., pay higher income taxes, divorce each other and screw themselves in the process. I believe they should be allowed to sue companies that fire them and claim that they're being discriminated against, and that it's not because they weren't doing their job, but more the discrimination thing... In other words, I think they should have "special rights and protection under the law".
3. Additionally I believe in quotas for everyone. For instance, if you have more than 25 people in your workplace, all should be represented equally and the merits of the individual applicant should be IGNORED! Moreover, if Eskimos make up 1% of the population, then you MUST have an Eskimo employed in your group. You must have a percentage of "openly gay" employees, or face stiff fines (even though the openly gay may enjoy this and not consider it a deterrent).
4. I don’t believe so much in personal property rights and rights of the individual as I do in the greater good of the proletariat. For instance, if 6 houses can be condemned so the city can tear them down and build a super Wallmart and realize greater tax revenues, then so be it. Screw the individuals, what’s important is the society as a whole, and no one could do a better job of making such decisions that your government.
5. No one, AND I MEAN NO ONE, should own a gun of ANY KIND, unless it is SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR HUNTING. However, Hunting should be banned because it is crewel and inhumane. Therefore, the deer population should only be controlled by birth control. And hunting should only be allowed with cameras. After all, it’s the thrill of the chase. And if birth control is used correctly, it would be damned difficult to photograph those critters! The only people who should own guns are Rosie Odonnel’s body guards, and the government of course. They know how to use them, and after all, there would be no more crime if they made guns illegal, and who likes crime anyway? Come on! No Guns! For Anyone! (except the aforementioned). If it becomes necessary to rise up or defend your home, you should take a page from the Palestinians and keep a good supply of rocks handy.
6. The environment. Let’s face it, Bush and his cronies just want to destroy the planet. They want to poison the air and water to the point of extinction of the human race and all other species walking, crawling, swimming, or flying. Just so long as they can build their underground shelters and stock them with supplies so they don’t actually have to breath the air or drink the water. We all know this to be true, don’t deny it. Also, even though there are more caribou “after” the Alaska pipeline was built, WE KNOW how devastating it is to the environment to drill for oil in the arctic. So regardless of how many freeze in the northeast next winter due to a lack of heating oil, regardless of how widespread the power blackouts, we must hold our course and protect the umm, the ahhh, well whatever the hell it is that lives up there where they’re trying to drill. Filthy capitalists! Interested only in heating and cooling their homes and driving to work! Let them eat cake!!
Oh I could go on, BELIEVE ME I COULD, but I won’t. Let’s just say, you’d be better off dead than conservative, and if you are conservative, “you will die.” Oh it may not be tomorrow, or next year, but it will happen. And while you won’t meet God because he doesn’t exist, your family and friends can look back at your despicable legacy…