How to be a good Liberal – A guide for the rest of us
Virtually anyone can be a Liberal. Simply quit thinking and vote that way. However, to be a Top Notch Liberal, there are some prerequisites. Compare below and see how you rate:
1. You must believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You must believe the same teacher who cannot teach 4th graders to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You must believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.
4. You must believe there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You must believe global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You must believe gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You must be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You must believe businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You must believe hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You must believe self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You must believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars where military personnel, not corrupt politicians, die.
12. You must believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You must believe taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You must believe Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.
15. You must believe standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You must believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You must believe the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You must believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You must believe homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be institutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You must believe illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Communists is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
