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Last post 20 years ago by Gene363. 6 replies replies.
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RICKAMAVEN Offline
#1 Posted: Sat, Apr 17 2004, 5:37 AM EST
Joined: 10-01-2000
Posts: 33,248
What's the advantage of dating a homeless woman?

The answer is, you can drop her off anywhere.
Gene363 Offline
#2 Posted: Sat, Apr 17 2004, 5:51 AM EST
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,836
Three guys, Father, Son, and Grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As they are on the way out to the first tee they are bull****in', cussin', just the whole guy thing. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking' woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is really hot. The kid kind of grumbles that now they cuss and bull**** around less.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game."

The guys say O.K. and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up it as she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the **** out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole.

They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I will give you all a **** you will never forget."

The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the cup."

The Grandpa look at the both of them in disgust walks over picks up the ball and says, "That's a Gimme."
m3swatson Offline
#3 Posted: Sat, Apr 17 2004, 6:33 AM EST
Joined: 10-04-2001
Posts: 24
LMAO!
madurotom Offline
#4 Posted: Sat, Apr 17 2004, 6:54 AM EST
Joined: 01-30-2004
Posts: 89
Gene...LOL

Rick...too funny
MACS Offline
#5 Posted: Sat, Apr 17 2004, 7:37 AM EST
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 79,817
Moses, Jesus and an old gray haired fellow are out on the links golfin' one day. Moses steps up to the par 3 hole and rips a good one straight into the water hazard. Shrugging, he walks over to the water, raises his hands up and parts the water right down the middle. He walks down to his ball and chips it in the hole for a birdie.

Jesus steps up to the tee next and he rips a shot to the same place. Shrugging, he walks out onto the water, causes the ball to rise up to the surface and chips his shot in for a birdie.

Unaffected by the previous theatrics, the old man steps up to the tee and knocks a shot that heads staight for the water. Before it enters the water a largemouth bass jumps up and swallows the ball, but before he can re-enter the water an eagle swoops out of the sky and grabs the fish in his talons, then just as the eagle is about to fly away it is struck by lightning and drops the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fishes mouth and rolls right into the cup for an eagle!!

Then Jesus turns around and hollers: DAD! No fair!
Cavallo Offline
#6 Posted: Sun, Apr 18 2004, 5:33 AM EST
Joined: 01-05-2004
Posts: 2,796
hey! m3swatson in the hiz-ouse! good to see you posting mark!

let's see...

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby
fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Globe witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:

"Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry. What team or person do you support?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

"Arrogant Little Conservative Bast**d Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Gene363 Offline
#7 Posted: Sun, Apr 18 2004, 6:02 AM EST
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,836
Cavallo

Good one!

A lawyer joke:

In a courtroom in Oklahoma, a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.


"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.


"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and looks toward the courtroom door.


The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.


Finally, the lawyer says, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."


The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns, and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.


"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."


The representative answers, "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
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