166,000 AMERICAN TROOPS HAVEN’T ABUSED IRAQI PRISONERS. It was announced today that less than one tenth of 1 percent of the brave American men and women being shot at daily in Iraq and Afghanistan have abused Iraqi prisoners. Not even a single act of beheading could be found. Further analysis revealed this is a markedly lower percentage than the number of U.S. senators who have driven automobiles off the Chappaquiddick Bridge in Massachusetts with young women trapped inside. In Washington, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) questioned the validity of the report. “From reading the Washington Post, it is my distinct impression that all the military is involved in the abuses, as well as the ROTC and John Wayne,” the senator said, while scarfing down a dozen Big Macs and a pitcher of Thunderbird wine. “By the way, I was never on the Chappaquiddick Bridge. That was my twin brother, Ned.”
