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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next
door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer
than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of
year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
you think.
It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with
gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if
they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If
it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying
a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party
in an effort to control your eating. The whole
point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as
many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice
of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted,
it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been
paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is
just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of Arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up,totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Happy Holidays Everyone.

And don't forget your Zocor, Lipitor, whatever.

Finally, something that speaks to ME!!

Here in SoCal where physical culture is the only kind of culture going, where plastic is fantastic and hard bodies are the rule, I say "What for?" Are the women holding out hope that the modeling agency will call and say they need them on the runway, stat? Are the men just waiting for the Lakers to say "we need you at the point today?"

Nah, my body is built for comfort, not speed! I'll arrive at my destination "sliding sideways," having enjoyed myself every step of the way. I understand that my body is a temple, but I will get a new one when I stand before my maker.

In the words of the alimight Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force:
"physical fitness whatever
you know, whatever
you do what you like to do, I do what i like to do okay
but you're the sucker, you're getting fed this line about how
Like you're gonna live forever or whatever
You're gonna die
Someone will kill ya
Someone will kill you with a knife
Make sure your abs are freakin ripped
you got some good guns
you wanna look good
for when you get stabbed with a knife
sorry that's how it works"