1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next
door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer
than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of
year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
you think.
It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with
gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if
they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If
it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying
a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party
in an effort to control your eating. The whole
point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as
many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice
of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted,
it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been
paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is
just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of Arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up,totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Happy Holidays Everyone.