July 28, 2011
‘Government Sold Separately,’ Sales Listing Says
BEIJING (The Borowitz Report) – Showing its impatience with the debt ceiling stalemate
in Washington, China today took the extraordinary step of putting the United States of
America on eBay.
Officials at the online auction site said they believed it was the first time a major Western
nation had been listed for sale there “if you don’t count Greece.”
In Beijing, the Chinese Finance Ministry said that it had considered waiting until August 2
to see if the US would ever pay back its multitrillion-dollar obligations, but ultimately
decided to cut its losses.
“We think we’ll attract a buyer on eBay,” the Ministry said. “Say what you will about the
US, it’s still one of the top fifty countries in the world.”
The sales listing for the US contains some interesting information, such as China’s description
of the former superpower as being in “fair to average condition.”
The listing also includes the stipulation “government sold separately,” which the Finance Ministry
took great pains to explain.
“We thought that including the government in the sale might turn off potential buyers,”
the Ministry said. “Plus, the US government isn’t ours to sell anyway – it’s owned by
the Koch brothers.”
With no bidders in the first 24 hours on eBay, China admitted that it would be challenging
to unload the US, but it still held out hope that a buyer would step forward: “We’ve got
our fingers crossed for Zuckerberg.”
At the White House, press secretary Jay Carney said that he understood China’s decision
to sell the US, but warned that a buyer would have to turn up on eBay before August 2:
“After that, the Internet gets shut off.”
