September 7, 2011
Cost-cutting Plan Involves Time-travel, God
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report) – In a sneak preview of Wednesday night’s Republican presidential debate, Gov. Rick Perry of Texas today unveiled an ambitious plan to cut trillions from the Federal budget by repealing the twentieth century.
“Wasteful programs such as Medicare, Social Security, and school lunches for poor children all got their start in that infernal century,” the GOP frontrunner told an enthusiastic crowd of supporters in Austin. “So if you want to cut the budget, the only way to do that is for every man, woman and child in this country to travel back in time.”
While acknowledging that his proposal was unorthodox, Gov. Perry said he was confident that time-travel was possible because “I saw Superman do it in a movie one time.”
“And I’ve got someone even mightier than Superman to help me out with this,” he said. “Fella by the name of God.”
Gov. Perry said that at an appointed time, he would ask every American to pray to God to send the country back to the nineteenth century: “Basically you just need to click your heels together and say ‘There’s no place like home.’”
The presidential hopeful said he knew that critics would be skeptical of his plan, but added that he was “living proof” that it was possible to travel back in time: “For example, my haircut is from 1975.”
Shortly after his speech, rival candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) blasted Gov. Perry for borrowing from her own plan to take the country back to the Middle Ages.
But in a positive piece of news for the Texas Governor, a new poll shows him leading the pack among voters who describe themselves as delusional.
