CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—The
Democratic National Convention today
released a dramatically revised schedule for
the night of Wednesday, September 5th:
8:00 Call to Order by First Lady Michelle
Obama
8:10 National Anthem, performed by
Branford Marsalis (saxophone), Michelle
Obama (vocals)
8:15 Pledge of Allegiance to Michelle
8:20 Former President Bill Clinton introduces
video of Michelle Obama
8:25 Video replay of last night’s speech by
Michelle Obama (on loop until 10:58)
10:58—10:59 Remarks by Vice-President Joe
Biden
10:59 Benediction by the Reverend Michelle
Obama