HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world,
• Mexicali, formerly known as California, reports that White minorities are still trying to have English recognized as Mexicali's third language.
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
• Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
• Couple petitions Supreme Court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
• Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
• Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 100 years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
• Iranian President Ibrahim Ima Dummie blames America and the decadent West for the rash of two-headed babies being born in Iran—threatens Islamic jihad.
• Ex-President Barack Obama,originally hired by Osama bin Laden as lobbyist for al Qaeda in Congress is now employed in the same capacity by Hezbollah and before that with Al Fatah.
• Price of gasoline at the pump was raised today to $27.00 a quart.
• The “hole” in Medicare Part D, was raised to $50,000. In addition, Medicare announced that the deductible for poor people was raised to $10,000. For all others-forgeddaboutit.
• France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
• Paris Hilton sues in court to have the DVD’s of her and ex-President Bill Clinton, in fragrante delicto, impounded.
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
• The last product made in America by Americans came off the production line today, just before the plant that prints postage stamps closed.
• The Interior Department announced the opening today of Yellowstone National Tree.
• PETA announces a national campaign to save the termite, fire ants, the cane toad and killer bees from extinction or, as they call it, genocide.
• Broadway actor Harvey Fierstein announced today that he is a closet heterosexual.
• NAACP bans rap music.
• Italy declares war on Monte Carlo. Italy defeated!
• Ford Motor Company unveils car that runs with a sail (wind power.)
• GM counters with their model that winds up with a large key.
• U.S. Supreme Court bans prayer in Church.
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
• 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
• Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
• Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast that they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
• Texas executes last remaining liberal.
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
• Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
• Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
• Aging actor/director Mel Gibson claims that the Jews are responsible for all of the above, and then apologizes for his remark.
• Barbra Streisand leaves the United States to live in France in protest over Mel Gibson’s remark.
• Mel Gibson sells Malibu to the State of Mexicali (formerly California) for $100 billion. Barbra Streisand returns.
• Jane Fonda passed away today. Her death was caused by an accidental explosion that occurred while she was sitting on an anti-aircraft gun used by the Viet Cong during the Viet Nam War.
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And I’ll bet that 80 percent of those who read this believe none of this will never happen!
