Cigarettes were invented by Christopher Columbus as a neat-o way to relax after exterminating the yucky and Godless native peoples of North America.
- America's first President, George Washington, grew cigarettes in the fields behind of his house "Mount Vernon." Liberal Communists point to "historical evidence" that he also grew other, now-illegal plants that people on food stamps like to smoke. People who say that are liars and deserve to die.
- Boys who start smoking well before puberty can expect to enjoy deeper, manlier voices that will result in higher popularity and lots and lots of pretty girlfriends!
- Girls who have mastered the art of the "French Inhale" by the age of 11 are 65% more likely to have at least 2 pretty babies before high school is over and not bother having to go to college and pay good money to listen to diseased liberal intellectuals spout treasonous verbal diarrhea.
- United States tobacco farmers represent a small but powerful special interest group. Many refuse to accept Federal pork barrel dollars devoted to convincing them to convert to other crops. That's because they believe in their product - and not because they're dumb or too afraid to do something new and different. };{>
