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Last post 6 years ago by RMAN4443. 50 replies replies.
Heard a good joke lately?
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Sobek501 Offline
#1 Posted: Wed, Jan 24 2018, 1:33 PM EST
Joined: 01-21-2018
Posts: 41
Always in the mood for a good joke, had an ol' timer I work with tell me this one..

How do you find out if your dog or your wife loves you more.?. Lock both in the trunk of your car over night, open the next morning, and see whos happy to see you...
RMAN4443 Offline
#2 Posted: Wed, Jan 24 2018, 1:50 PM EST
Joined: 09-29-2016
Posts: 7,683
Two Irish guys walk past a bar.............Hey,it could happenBeer
tailgater Offline
#3 Posted: Wed, Jan 24 2018, 1:54 PM EST
Joined: 06-01-2000
Posts: 26,185
Sobek501 wrote:


How do you find out if your dog or your wife loves you more.?. Lock both in the trunk of your car over night, open the next morning, and see whos happy to see you...



TW uses what he calls "the peanut butter test"...
frankj1 Offline
#4 Posted: Wed, Jan 24 2018, 2:39 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,221
tailgater wrote:
TW uses what he calls "the peanut butter test"...




finally figured out his first 3 were allergic.
tailgater Offline
#5 Posted: Wed, Jan 24 2018, 4:18 PM EST
Joined: 06-01-2000
Posts: 26,185
The best part is when they sneeze.
delta1 Offline
#6 Posted: Wed, Jan 24 2018, 5:11 PM EST
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,788
frankj1 wrote:
finally figured out his first 3 were allergic.




dogs...or wives...
jespear Offline
#7 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 3:12 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
Okay.
Here's one that that is not for the written page, BUT is funnier than schitt when told IN PERSON.

Ask someone the question, "Why do men like to marry women who smoke ?"
When the person says, "I don't know. Why ?", (or something to that affect), just DO THIS . . .
Make a loose fist and hold it out in front of you.
Tell the person to insert his/her finger between your thumb and index finger.
Then sqeeze their finger two or three times in rapid succesion while simultaneously coughing with each squeeze.

Trust me, it works ! ThumpUp
Hank_The_Tank Offline
#8 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 3:52 PM EST
Joined: 11-15-2016
Posts: 3,677
jespear wrote:
Okay.
Here's one that that is not for the written page, BUT is funnier than schitt when told IN PERSON.

Ask someone the question, "Why do men like to marry women who smoke ?"
When the person says, "I don't know. Why ?", (or something to that affect), just DO THIS . . .
Make a loose fist and hold it out in front of you.
Tell the person to insert his/her finger between your thumb and index finger.
Then sqeeze their finger two or three times in rapid succesion while simultaneously coughing with each squeeze.

Trust me, it works ! ThumpUp


huh?


Yo momma soo stoopid, she thinks McDonalds is a farm.
corey sellers Offline
#9 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:03 PM EST
Joined: 08-21-2011
Posts: 10,363
Pray ^^^^
jespear Offline
#10 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:13 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
Hank_The_Tank wrote:
huh?


Yo momma soo stoopid, she thinks McDonalds is a farm.


Do I have to send you a video of how to do this, Hank ? d'oh!

And don't be dissin' on my Mama ! Shame on you
corey sellers Offline
#11 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:21 PM EST
Joined: 08-21-2011
Posts: 10,363
And old McDonald had a D A. M. FARM E. I E. I. O
DrafterX Offline
#12 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:27 PM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,551
is McDonald's farm where Bingo hung out..?? Huh
corey sellers Offline
#13 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:42 PM EST
Joined: 08-21-2011
Posts: 10,363
He was a few houses down

Beer
ypetryna Offline
#14 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:47 PM EST
Joined: 07-19-2012
Posts: 1,323
women's rights
Sobek501 Offline
#15 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 6:06 PM EST
Joined: 01-21-2018
Posts: 41
Wife walks in to the bedroom and sees her husband naked on the bed with a little white pill on the tip of his pecker.

 She ask "What is that?"

Husband replies, "Its an aspirin, for the headache im sure your gonna have  You can take it orally or like a suppository"
frankj1 Offline
#16 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 6:51 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,221
Sobek501 wrote:
Wife walks in to the bedroom and sees her husband naked on the bed with a little white pill on the tip of his pecker.

 She ask "What is that?"

Husband replies, "Its an aspirin, for the headache im sure your gonna have  You can take it orally or like a suppository"

that's a good joke!
Burner02 Offline
#17 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 8:27 PM EST
Joined: 12-21-2010
Posts: 12,884
Guy walks into the kitchen one morning and see's his wife cooking a pair of his socks in a frying pan.

With a puzzled look he ask "what are you doing?"

She replies "exactly what you asked me to do when you came in drunk last night."
sfg391 Offline
#18 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 8:34 PM EST
Joined: 01-12-2014
Posts: 124
jespear wrote:
Okay.
Here's one that that is not for the written page, BUT is funnier than schitt when told IN PERSON.

Ask someone the question, "Why do men like to marry women who smoke ?"
When the person says, "I don't know. Why ?", (or something to that affect), just DO THIS . . .
Make a loose fist and hold it out in front of you.
Tell the person to insert his/her finger between your thumb and index finger.
Then sqeeze their finger two or three times in rapid succesion while simultaneously coughing with each squeeze.

Trust me, it works ! ThumpUp


I tried it three times so far.
Two liked it, and the other told me I was twisted.
Krazeehorse Offline
#19 Posted: Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:44 PM EST
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
A friend of mine's wife told him to go out and get some pills that would help him get an erection. He came home and handed her some diet pills. He's living with me until he finds his own place.
DrafterX Offline
#20 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:19 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,551
Why did Bloody cross the road..?? Huh
tailgater Offline
#21 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 9:54 AM EST
Joined: 06-01-2000
Posts: 26,185
delta1 wrote:
dogs...or wives...


Either way, the sneeze thing is cool.
Hank_The_Tank Offline
#22 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 11:02 AM EST
Joined: 11-15-2016
Posts: 3,677
Krazeehorse wrote:
A friend of mine's wife told him to go out and get some pills that would help him get an erection. He came home and handed her some diet pills. He's living with me until he finds his own place.


That is fantastic. ha
delta1 Offline
#23 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 1:56 PM EST
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,788
dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........I was wondering how all the black pepper got into our bed..............
jespear Offline
#24 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 2:47 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
DrafterX wrote:
Why did Bloody cross the road..?? Huh


Ah, c'mon . . . EVERYBODY knows why ! Whistle
NapalmMan67 Offline
#25 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 3:00 PM EST
Joined: 05-22-2015
Posts: 2,514
I heard Hank fancied himself the leader of some kind of militia.
HuckFinn Offline
#26 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 3:01 PM EST
Joined: 07-10-2017
Posts: 2,044
Guy goes in to a bar and hops up on a stool.
Bartender says "what'll you have."
Guy says"got any soup?"
Bartender snarls "we don't have soup here, we sell drinks! Get out!!"
Guy hops off his stool and walks out.
Next day, same guy walks in to the same bar, hops on the same stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks "got any soup?"
Bartender snarls," hey, I told you yesterday we don't serve soup here, we serve drinks! Now get out!"
Guy jumps off his stool and walks out.
Next day the same guy walks in to the same bar, sits on the same stool, looks at the bartender and asks "got any soup?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the guy "I told you two times now, we don't serve soup here, we serve drinks! If you ask me one more time I'm going to nail your pecker to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that the guy shrugs, hops off the stool and leaves.
The next day the guy walks in, hops on a stool and asks "got any nails?
Bartender, puzzled, says "no".
Guy looks him square in the eye and says "got any soup?"
corey sellers Offline
#27 Posted: Fri, Jan 26 2018, 3:04 PM EST
Joined: 08-21-2011
Posts: 10,363
Haha
jespear Offline
#28 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 11:32 AM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
What's the difference between Blake Bortles and Tom Brady ?

Bortles is a jaguar.
Brady is a cheetah.


GO BIRDS !
RMAN4443 Offline
#29 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 12:26 PM EST
Joined: 09-29-2016
Posts: 7,683
jespear wrote:
What's the difference between Blake Bortles and Tom Brady ?

Bortles is a jaguar.
Brady is a cheetah.


GO BIRDS !


What's the other difference between Blake Bortles and Tom Brady?


Bortles is a loser.
Brady is a winnah.


GO PATS



Good luck JohnBeer .......looking forward to next Sunday
jespear Offline
#30 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 7:04 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
RMAN4443 wrote:
What's the other difference between Blake Bortles and Tom Brady?


Bortles is a loser.
Brady is a winnah.


GO BRATS



Good luck JohnBeer .......looking forward to next Sunday


I think you're just looking forward to smoking that grape White Owl, Rick.
corey sellers Offline
#31 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 7:37 PM EST
Joined: 08-21-2011
Posts: 10,363
Say it ain't so he is going to smoke a grape daimmmmmm someone get this man a pineapple
banderl Offline
#32 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 8:00 PM EST
Joined: 09-09-2008
Posts: 10,153
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but
instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses
him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss
reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week,
even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses
him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his
office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've
only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her
every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up
making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I told you I was sick."
corey sellers Offline
#33 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 8:03 PM EST
Joined: 08-21-2011
Posts: 10,363
Haha good one
banderl Offline
#34 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 8:08 PM EST
Joined: 09-09-2008
Posts: 10,153
corey sellers wrote:
Haha good one



True story, Bro.
HuckFinn Offline
#35 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 8:15 PM EST
Joined: 07-10-2017
Posts: 2,044
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. T he others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...
banderl Offline
#36 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 8:42 PM EST
Joined: 09-09-2008
Posts: 10,153
A Doctor walks through a park everyday on his way to his office, and everyday there are two bums, Ralph and Herbie, sitting on a park bench.
Ralph is always sipping on a bottle of booze and Herbie is always eating dog food.
Without fail, the Doctor tells Herbie that if he keeps eating that dog food it will kill him.

Years go by and this happens everyday.

One day the Doctor is walking through the park and comes across Ralph, Herbie's not in sight.
The Doctor asks Ralph about Herbie and Ralph tells him that he has passed.
The Doctors says that he's been telling Herbie for years that if he kept eating that dog food, that it would kill him.
Ralph says, "Doc you got it all wrong, Herbie was sitting on a curb licking his balls and a truck ran him over."
Speyside Offline
#37 Posted: Sun, Jan 28 2018, 8:47 PM EST
Joined: 03-16-2015
Posts: 13,106
Ralph and Herbie are walking in the park and see a Doberman licking his ballz. Herbie says to Ralph I'd like to do that. Ralph says to Herbie that's fine, but I'd pet him first.
HuckFinn Offline
#38 Posted: Wed, Jan 31 2018, 9:51 AM EST
Joined: 07-10-2017
Posts: 2,044
An old man was is taking a walk in the park when he spies an attractive old woman sitting on a bench.

“Can you guess my age?” he asks her.

“Yes,” she replies. “But first you will have to take off all your clothes.”

Proud of his physique, the old man agrees and strips down.

“OK, that’s done,” he says. “Now, can you guess my age?”

“Yes,” she responds, “but now I want you to dance around a little for me.”

Sure of his strength, the old man consents.

“OK, that’s enough,” he says. “Now can you guess my age?”

“Well,” says the old lady, “I would say you are three months shy of your 85th birthday.”

“Wow, you’re right!” says the astonished old man. “How did you know that?”

“You told me yesterday.”
HuckFinn Offline
#39 Posted: Sun, Feb 4 2018, 2:41 PM EST
Joined: 07-10-2017
Posts: 2,044
3 nursing home residents were talking about aging outside of their nursing home. The 60 year old resident said “60 is the worst age to be. You constantly feel like you have to pee but most of the time nothing happens.”

The 70 year old resident responds “That's nothing compared to being 70. You can't take a crap anymore. You eat all of the bran and take laxatives you can and still nothing happens.”

The 80 year old said, “You're both wrong. 80 is actually the worst.”

The 60 year old asked the 80 year old, “Do you have trouble peeing too?” He responded, “No. I go at 6 every morning. I have no problem at all.”

The 70 year old asked him, “Do you have trouble taking a crap?” “No, I go at 6:30 each morning” the 80 year old responded.

The 60 year old said “Let me understand you clearly. You go #1 every morning at 6am and #2 every morning half an hour later. What's so hard about being 80?”

The 80 year old concluded, “ I don't wake up until 10am.”
frankj1 Offline
#40 Posted: Sun, Feb 4 2018, 4:21 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,221
truth in jest!

HA!
jespear Offline
#41 Posted: Tue, Feb 6 2018, 9:54 AM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
A young man is getting married in a few months. He asks his priest,
"Father . . . Is sex supposed to be fun or work ?"
The priest replies,
"Well, my son . . . I am married to the church, so I don't have an answer for you. Why don't you go down the street to the Baptist church and ask Pastor Jones."
The young man goes to see Pastor Jones and asks the same question.
Pastor Jones replies,
"Well, my son . . . Although I am free to marry if I so desire, I never have, so I don't have an answer for you.
Why don't you go ask Rabbi Steinberg at the synagogue. I KNOW he is married."
So the young man walks to the synagogue and asks the Rabbi the same question.
The Rabbi immediately answers, "It's supposed to be fun !"
"REALLY ?", replies the young man.
"Oh SURE !" says the Rabbi. " If it was work, my wife would have the maid do it."
frankj1 Offline
#42 Posted: Tue, Feb 6 2018, 10:15 AM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,221
jespear wrote:
A young man is getting married in a few months. He asks his priest,
"Father . . . Is sex supposed to be fun or work ?"
The priest replies,
"Well, my son . . . I am married to the church, so I don't have an answer for you. Why don't you go down the street to the Baptist church and ask Pastor Jones."
The young man goes to see Pastor Jones and asks the same question.
Pastor Jones replies,
"Well, my son . . . Although I am free to marry if I so desire, I never have, so I don't have an answer for you.
Why don't you go ask Rabbi Steinberg at the synagogue. I KNOW he is married."
So the young man walks to the synagogue and asks the Rabbi the same question.
The Rabbi immediately answers, "It's supposed to be fun !"
"REALLY ?", replies the young man.
"Oh SURE !" says the Rabbi. " If it was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

glad to see you changed the names to incriminate the innocent!
HA!
frankj1 Offline
#43 Posted: Wed, Feb 7 2018, 4:59 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,221


> A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
> restaurant.. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding
> hands.
>
> The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
> suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the
> table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
>
> The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair
> and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared
> straight ahead.
>
> The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it
> might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully,
> began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just
> slid under the table."
>
> The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't... she
> just walked in.
Sobek501 Offline
#44 Posted: Wed, Feb 7 2018, 5:09 PM EST
Joined: 01-21-2018
Posts: 41
What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
Krazeehorse Offline
#45 Posted: Wed, Feb 7 2018, 10:05 PM EST
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun Marine was talking to new recruits in the Marine corps induction center.



Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.



The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.



Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000! Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"
HuckFinn Offline
#46 Posted: Wed, Feb 7 2018, 10:50 PM EST
Joined: 07-10-2017
Posts: 2,044
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
jespear Offline
#47 Posted: Wed, Feb 7 2018, 11:08 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a girl's cross country team ?

The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts . . .
frankj1 Offline
#48 Posted: Wed, Feb 7 2018, 11:10 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,221
Krazeehorse wrote:
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun Marine was talking to new recruits in the Marine corps induction center.



Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.



The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.



Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000! Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"

I love this one.
jespear Offline
#49 Posted: Wed, Feb 7 2018, 11:35 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
Two friends are walking their dogs on a blistering hot day in the city.
One guy has a German Shepherd, and the other guy has a Chihuahua.
After a while , they pass a bar, and the guy with the German Shepherd says,
"MAN, I sure could go for a cold beer. Let's go in here and knock back a few."
The guy with the Chihuahua says,
"They won't let us in with the dogs !"
His buddy says, "Don't worry about it. Just follow my lead", and goes into the bar.
The bartender immediately says to him,
"HEY ! You can't come in here with that dog !"
The guy replies, "Oh it's okay. I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender says, " Oh, I apologize, sir. What will you have ?"
Just then, the guy with the Chihuahua walks in, and the bartender yells over to him,
"HEY ! You can't come in here with that dog !"
Following his buddy's lead, he says,
"Oh it's okay. I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender smirks and says, " A CHIHUAHUA ?"
The guy, never flinching, says . . . Is THAT what they gave me ?"
RMAN4443 Offline
#50 Posted: Wed, Feb 21 2018, 12:35 AM EST
Joined: 09-29-2016
Posts: 7,683
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.
She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work,
lit his favorite cigar and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs… "Honey would you like some of this?"
"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
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