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Last post 6 months ago by Sunoverbeach. 19 replies replies.
Sex After Death!!!!
Burner02 Offline
#1 Posted:
Joined: 12-21-2010
Posts: 12,603
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform theother if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, hemade the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a f*cking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"
corey sellers Offline
#2 Posted:
Joined: 08-21-2011
Posts: 9,830
Haha
Palama Offline
#3 Posted:
Joined: 02-05-2013
Posts: 20,798
LOL

Good one!
Sunoverbeach Offline
#4 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
Ha!
Gene363 Offline
#5 Posted:
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 29,020
You just had to hop on this one. LOL
Burner02 Offline
#6 Posted:
Joined: 12-21-2010
Posts: 12,603
I see what you did!
Sunoverbeach Offline
#7 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been a great protector of my whole family,” God says,”That’s great why don’t you take the seat on my left,”

The cat walks in and says to God,” You're in my seat,”
Sunoverbeach Offline
#8 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Sunoverbeach Offline
#9 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
Two women meets in the afterlife,
Mia - Hello, My name is Mia!

Emma - Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die?

Mia - Well... I froze to death.

Emma - Oh my.. what a terrible way to die!

Mia - Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die?

Emma - I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television.

Mia - What happened after?

Emma - I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack.

(Mia starts to laugh)

Emma - What's so funny?

Mia - Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
Mike3316 Offline
#10 Posted:
Joined: 02-05-2022
Posts: 327
A man is lying on his death bed. His wife by his side.
"Susan" he said. "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down and we lost everything of value we had in the world? We had to start all over without a cent to our names - you were by my side."

Susan replied " Yes dear. There would be no place else for me to be."

"Susan" he continued " when our son was killed in that car accident. I was devistated and didn't think I could go on but there you were right by my side."

His wife crying softly - "Yes, I know."

"And now" the man went on "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"

"Right by you side, my love" his wife replied.

"Ya know Susan" the man said "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck!"
Sunoverbeach Offline
#11 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
People ask whether I'll make cheese in the afterlife.

I tell them there's no whey in Hell
Mike3316 Offline
#12 Posted:
Joined: 02-05-2022
Posts: 327
My aunt’s horoscope sign was cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab
Sunoverbeach Offline
#13 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
A man’s nagging wife suddenly died while on a vacation in Jerusalem

Funeral director: Sir, it will cost you about $45,000 if we send your wife’s remains back to the United States. It will cost $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem.

Man: Go ahead and ship her home. We’ll bury her there.

Funeral director: Are you sure? You’ll save almost $45,000 if you let us bury her here, and she’ll be buried in the Holy Land.

Man: I understand the cost. However, a man buried here a long time ago rose from the dead after 3 days. I can’t take that chance!
frankj1 Offline
#14 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 42,877
"Sophie" said Saul to his wife as he lay dying in bed...
"Sophie, are those your delicious knishes I smell baking in the kitchen?"

"Yes, Saul. Those are my knishes you smell".

Oh, Sophie, I don't think I'll survive through the night. Please, as my last wish, please bring me one last knish for which you are known throughout the community, and I can die happy."

"NO", screams Sophie. "Those are for the shiva!"
Sunoverbeach Offline
#15 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
Ha!
frankj1 Offline
#16 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 42,877
I'm guessing no sex for Saul
tonygraz Offline
#17 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2008
Posts: 19,066
It was Sophie's Choice.
frankj1 Offline
#18 Posted:
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 42,877
tonygraz wrote:
It was Sophie's Choice.

outstanding post!
POTY candidate.
Sunoverbeach Offline
#19 Posted:
Joined: 08-11-2017
Posts: 13,865
Carrie Fisher runs into George Michael in the afterlife.
She says, "Oh, man! I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He responds, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing."
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