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Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry,
we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy
says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this
morning." "I don't believe! you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad
Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find them.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam."

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.

LMAO!!!!!!

LMAO!!!

That's great Madd. LMAO.

Little Johnny walks up to Mom and asks "Is God white or black?"
Mom says " He's neither white nor black"

Next day Johnny asks his Dad "Is God a man or a woman?"
Dad says "God is neither a man or a woman"

Next morning Johnny walks in and asks, "Mom, Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

Wow! Doc is on a roll!

I had to call Mike at work and read this too him...I'm still ROTFLMFAO...

OOOOHHHHHHH! Whew!

:)

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

LOL.....Can I use those at the party at the Colombian engineer's house tonight? I don't know if they will have the same effect in Spanish.

Ducati....here's my joke in Spanish:

¿Johnny pequeño sube a la Mamá y pregunta "Es Dios blanco o negro?" La mamá dice " El Es tampoco blanco ni negro"

El día siguiente Johnny pregunta a su Papá "¿Es Dios un hombre o una mujer?" El papá dice "Dios es tampoco un hombre o una mujer"

Próximas caminatas de la mañana Johnny en y pregunta, "¿Mamá, el Papá, Dios de Michael Jackson es?"

No hablo mucho el espanol.