Leno
I guess you heard the Mideast terrorists have struck again. But enough about Exxon, Shell and Texaco.
Gas is now over $2 a gallon and some gas station owners are saying that’s no big deal because a bottle of water is $2. But unlike an SUV, if I’m thirsty I don’t need 25 gallons of it.
It’s now being reported that Saddam Hussein is hiding weapons in public schools in Iraq. And here’s the amazing part – their schools still have fewer weapons than L.A. schools.
President Bush said protesters will not stop him from going to war with Iraq. Well, duh! Losing the popular vote didn’t stop him from becoming president, why would it stop him from going to war?
Miss Germany 2003 said today if it’ll avert war she is willing to have a peace date with Saddam Hussein. For years beauty contestants have been saying "I want world peace.” Finally we got one ready to put her money where her mouth is.
The admiral in charge of the USS Kitty Hawk battle group has been relieved of his command for having sex with a female officer. Finally – an American military action the French can approve of.
Sex with a female officer – isn’t that the plot of "Jag” every week?
As you know, the French continue to resist the war in Iraq or even help us. And now Bill Clinton has even come out against France. In fact, to show how serious he is, he’s vowed not to French kiss anybody until this thing is settled.
More gossip coming out about Clara Harris – there are now reports that Clara was actually seeing another man on the side. In fact, today they found him under the left rear tire.
Here’s a happy story: Did you see this dog that was pulled from a chunk of ice in the New Jersey River? It took firemen two hours to rescue him. Even the firemen were in shock. They said this is the first time they’re ever pulled anything alive out of a river in New Jersey.
How many watched this stupid "Bachelorette" last night? Was that the stupidest? My TV actually threw up!
Last night on ["The Bachelorette”], Trista chose Ryan. Trista said it was a hard decision – She was up all night thinking about it. In fact, she tossed and turned in bed so much she woke up with Charlie.
It was an incredibly tough decision for Trista: Was it Ryan, the sensitive firefighter from Colorado, or Charlie, the hot accountant from L.A.? She kept going back and forth – gay or sleazy, gay or sleazy?
Last night ABC showed their stupid reality show called "I’m A Celberity, Get Me Out of Here!" The celebrities included Robin Leach; Cris Judd, who was married to Jennifer Lopez; Alana Stewart and Melissa Rivers. I think this is the only celebrity show where the celebrities have to wear name tags.
They should have gone to L.A. County Jail – they would have found more real celebrities there.
Then they said all the celebrities were playing for charity. I believe it’s called "Celebrities Without Careers."
Speaking of celebrities without careers – the Spice Girls announced they aren’t interested in getting back together. So finally, one terrorist threat has been averted.
Letterman
Did you see "Star Search”" tonight? Halfway through the show Hans Blix showed up and said there was no evidence of any stars.
A proposed bill here would make all New York City hotels have free condoms in the rooms. How dumb am I? All of these years and I’ve just been using the free shower cap.
In Texas they have shut down an automotive shop/ whorehouse. It was an auto shop and a whorehouse. I hate those places because they always charge more than the estimate.
Conan
Experts are saying that the U.S. will invade Iraq by mid-March. When asked why the attack will happen then, President Bush said this was all part of his big plan to surprise the Iraqis while they are drunk on Saint Patty’s Day.
Do you remember those obese people that tried to sue McDonald’s and failed? They are now trying to sue again – or, as they call it, going back for seconds.
Kilborn
In Paris thieves broke into a cellar and stole $10,000 worth of cheese. If this won’t get France into war, nothing will!
