Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer was normal...

So? I don't even like that beer.

I heard about a trans woman's bank account being frozen because she sounded like a dude on the phone.

Her Trans-action was denied.

I just found out that, "SMH" means Shaking My Head, not Sex Might Help. Who knew?

I used to sell security systems door to door. If no one was home I left a brochure on the kitchen table.

For me, May 5th is truly a day to celebrate.

Few people have come to know the “true” story of the origin of May 5th. It is my pleasure to set the record straight.

A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Go out on this day, grab a couple of slices of bread and a jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise and have a party. You know I will!

Oh the samiches!

May 4 samiches!

Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew his descendent would be a poodle.....

That's how your grandfather feels when he sees your man bun.

Classic!

From Jolly Good Jokes

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tire as we were on our way to see my
parents, so I called them up and said "Sorry Mom, I'm going to be late, my
girlfriend's got a puncture".

"Oh John!" she sighed "I thought you had a real one this time."

Check out Big Jay Oakerson on YouTube. Definitely NSFW. Vulgar even by my standards but I still laugh.

Day late. Sorry!

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for one penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for one penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

The sexual position formerly known as 69 will now be called 96.

Inflation has really raised the cost of eating out.

Figuratively...

1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

2. When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

3. It’s weird being the same age as old people.

4. Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

5. If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think… “That can’t be accurate?”

7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.

8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

10. You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

12. After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

13. Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

14. For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

15. I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know damn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

16. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.

Oh lort! ILMFAO!

a magician was walking down the street and turned into a bar

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.