Little boy, pouting, walks in the house and plops on the couch.

Mom - Whats the matter?

boy - Bored.

mom - Go ride your bike

boy - Bikes broke

mom - Go play with friends

boy - no ones home

mom - well, what do you want to do?

boy - hmm, play house, go upstairs and get ready

Mom decides to play this out, goes upstairs and sits on the edge of the bed. Couple of minutes later, she hears - clomp,clomp,clomp, door flies open, little boy standing in his daddy's boots says "beeoch, go buy that boy a new bike"

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigar there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say forget him, he's in there for a year.

A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my matches!"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

#12 - actually, I think the cien was a concept car that was built with a V16, not 12.

12. Author: pacman357 Date: 03/30/2010 10:04 PM Reply

#2 Mobil station? High test? What are you, about 100 years old? And the only V12 Cadillac made after WW II, IIRC, was the concept car, the Cadillac Cien, which sported a 7.5 liter V12, but was not entered into production. So, no 1999 Caddy available.

Sheesh. I hate it when jokes have incorrect detail and outdated jargon.

:)P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-----------------------------------------------------

I didn't believe that Cadillac was founded in 1902, so I checked.

It was.

I hope Pac will forgive a poor Indian for doubting him.

I run into my buddy,Chuck,one day and as we're about to part ways he says "oh by the way,don't call me Chuck any more,from now on I'm Lucky".I ask why and Lucky explains he was in a 40 vehicle pile up,it took 15 hours and 2 jaws of life to extract him......he had nary a scratch on him.So I says"later Lucky"and we go our seperate ways.

Two weeks later I run into Lucky."hey Lucky how's it going"?He informs me that from now on I should call him Lucky Lucky.He ask me if I remember the crash of flight 2196 the week before and there being only one survivor.I reply that I do and he proceeds to tell me that I am looking at that sole survivor.I tell him how fortunate he is.....and I say "later Lucky Lucky".

About a month later I run into Lucky Lucky but this time he is walking very slowly and in a peculier way.I says "hey Lucky Lucky how's it going?"My buddy says well first off from now on call me Lucky Lucky Lucky.I ask why and he tells me that while making love to a beautiful woman her husband returned home and shot him dead square in the ass.I says "well Lucky Lucky Lucky that doesn't sound very lucky to me."He says "well if that sob had of come through the door 30 seconds earlier I'd of caught that bullet right between the ears."

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped

some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Kim wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit hishead on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife

followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?

'Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She

said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral

costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Kim told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 P.M. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 P.M. sharp and after paying Kim the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 P.M. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Kim answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a

few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her

husband curtly asked, ' And did he give you $500? '

Kim, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give

me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He

promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back. '