You MIGHT be a Republican if...
1. You believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You’re against government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time.
4. You believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit.
5. You believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't pray to St. Mary, Allah, Krishna, or Buddha.
6. You believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
7. You believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions about their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
8. You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
9. You believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
10. You believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
11. You believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
12. You believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the National Rifle Association is good because they defend the Constitution.
13. You believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.
14. You believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
15. You believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
16. You believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5,000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.
17. You believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bob Livingston, and numerous other Republican politicians both past and present for their marital infidelities, and other indiscretions, but that **** Clinton should be impeached.
18. You believe that the Federal Government should always respect the sovereign rights of the States to determine and define their own laws, except when you need to elect a Republican as El Presidente.
19. Marc Rich, pardoned by that **** Clinton was evil and indicted because his corporation did business with that other evil **** Saddam Hussein. ****** Cheney’s company Halliburton did the same thing, but they’re OK.
20. Presidential pardons should be severely limited, unless you are a REPUBLICAN president and you are pardoning your defense secretary to prevent a publicly embarrassing trial that would implicate YOU.
