"Every once in a while you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied

"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

A young sailor is out in the world for the first time on his maiden voyage. One day he and his mates are at a bar in the tropics when he notices a pirate at the next table. Upon further inspection he notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch.

Feeling that this man has an interesting story to tell, the sailor sits down at the pirate's table and says, "What happened to your leg?"

The pirate says "Arrgh lad, me and my mateys was huntin for bootey off the coast of Australia (very heavy pirate accent), when I was knocked overboard during a battle. Before I could get out of the water, a thirty foot great white came up and bit me leg off."

The kid says "Wow! what about your hand?"

The pirate says "Arrgh, lad me and me boys was raidin and lootin villages along the Nile river. I was chasin the chief of a village who was all decked in gold. I followed him right down to the river, where I was shanghaid by a twenty five foot croc that bit off me hand."

The sailor is even more impressed. He then says "What about your eye?"

"Well" says the pirate "After the croc bit off me hand, me boys and I decides to drown our sorrows with a bit of drink. As we walks into the saloon, I hear a noise, look up and a gull poops right into me eye."

The sailor gasps in astonishment "And that poked out your eye?"

"No lad" says the pirate "It was me first day with the hook."

a young soldier sat in the cool interior of the newly built chapel on base writing a letter home.

he had written his ma and pa about all of his experiences in boot camp, everything on and off base, but he was stuck with a point of grammar on one event.

just then the chaplain walked past him, and the soldier asked him, "is there a hyphen in 'hard on'?"

the chaplain's face reddened a bit.

"uh... what is it you're writing there, son?" he inquired of the young man.

"oh, just a letter home to ma and pa."

the chaplain sputtered a bit at this.

"and, um, what exactly is it that you're trying to TELL them, son??"

"well," smiled the soldier, "i just wanted to tell 'em that the army got the new chapel built -- the one they've been working so hard on!"

BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA! dirty minds!