A little background first.

Oct. 1, 2003 our (so far) only grandchild arrived. A beautiful baby boy, Sean Alexander.

Basically, from then until Sep. 2007, my wife and I raised him (much more her until I retired) (Mommy worked full time, and we offered, willingly)

We get along well with all our children, they are all adults now, so that doesn't enter here.

About 5 months ago the "husband" left and things started going south. Mommy has a good, stable, secure, and well paying job for NY State, but if she gets her way, not very much longer.

The "husbands'" family lives in the central part of NY, anywhere from 3 to 5 hours drive away. She has maintained a good rapport with them (which is good for her son, I guess), although their contacts with her and their grandson have been few and far between for the last 5 years.

Several weeks ago, she announced she was taking "medical leave" and moving to the area where her inlaws live. Not with them, but in the general area. When the leave is exhausted, she plans on leaving her job with nothing to fall back on.

We tried to help her through her seperation and have always been there instantly when she or our grandchild needed us. On several occasions, her "husband" tried to elicit a similar response from his side of the family, to absolutely no effect.

I've said all that, to say this. She and our grandson left this afternoon, and my wife has been completely unconsolable since. She was sobbing so loudly when they drove away, our neighbor came out to see what was wrong. He then sent his wife to sit with her for a while comforting her.(We have some top notch neighbors).

She cried literally for 2 hours, and only stopped long enough to eat (which I had to force her to do). She sat listless on the couch until going to bed a while ago. No amount of comfort seemed to help, but I stuck with her until I tucked her in.

I know you have to let your children make their own choices, but when they make what will ultimately be a mistake, you have to try to offer your best counsel.

Yes, I will miss my "bubbies" (we where only a few minutes away until today), and yes, we can (thankfully) go see them whenever we want, but when you've invested so much of yourself (much more for my wife) it's damn hard to let them go.

Thank you for letting me vent...and ramble on.If you can, say a prayer for my daughter and grandson, they will need the support more than us.

Don- she and the kids and all of you will be in my prayers...sounds like she thinks it's best they be closer to "husband." My parents are a great support and source of emotional security for us. I know that if I made that decision...they would feel the same as you and your wife do.

I'll be hoping she feels the difference when she gets where she is going with time to spare.

You and your wife are great folks.

Sorry you had such a tough day

Actually..."husband" is still in this area, not much farther away than dau and g/son were.

oh I see

Well it does suck either way...I'll be praying.

Thank you Erica, that's very kind of you. And I hope you're right about the distance focusing her again.

I think it really could, Don. No work, end of relationship, and moving. Sounds like panic to me. Easy to do. I'm sure that a daughter of yours is very smart...she make it work or realize she doesn't have to and come to where the love and support are.

I'll ask Mom to pray too.

What I do know is that they will be okay.

So

Happy

It's

Thursday

Yes, the acronym is ****.

Amen brother

BTW, sir... you need to counsel your daughter.

if l-e-a-n is lean, m-e-a-n is mean, b-e-a-n is bean and d-e-a-n is dean...

How the hell is s-e-a-n Shawn??

Learn how to spell, people!

- signed

Shawn

Shawn: celtic/gaelic...meaning John

Sean: celtic/gaelic...meaning God is gracious

Keep the faith ,these things tend to work themselves out in the long run. A look at the other side of the fence sometimes removes the allure of the mystery. Be a good Pappy and stay in touch and hopefully she will see the light..

cigarman692900,

What I am about to say might piss you off. Please don't get hung up on how I say it, just think about it conceptually and consider it as a possibility.

First of all I think that you have been great grandparents, and great parents supporting your daughter. That being said, you daughter is the mother of her child. I am sure your wife is distraught, but she might be acting a little selfish. I am certain that the decision made by your daughter was a difficult one. Consider her position first - try and support it.

Worring about how the other in-laws are is another sign of being selfish. Thinking you are better than them based on you perception on how much they see the grandkid or whatever, is an excuse to justify the selfishness. I don't doubt the pain is real, just where the pain is coming from. The child seems to be in no real danger, seems to have a loving mother, and a good support structure. Support her. That doesn't mean paying her bills or caring for her child, it means emotionally first, then other ways.

I am really sorry if you think I am being a jackass. I assume that since you posted this question, you want honest answers. Well I am being honest.

If you think I am being rude, you can e-mail me at my user name at yahoo. I will apologize or explain my thought's further.

It's just another point of view, maybe it will open doors to talk about it with the missus. Hopefully more good than harm.

Gringo

Might be a good time to plan a trip. It will take your minds off of the kids and you wont have to worry about them being at home needing you.

"Several weeks ago, she announced she was taking 'medical leave' and moving to the area where her inlaws live. Not with them, but in the general area. When the leave is exhausted, she plans on leaving her job with nothing to fall back on." -cigarman

it seems the concern comes more from that she put in leave and is going to let it run out until she is out of work and out of money...if I read the post correctly...I think his wife had good reason to cry and her fears are understandable...

re 12: I hear what you're saying, man, but when you see that your kid is paddling towards the falls, it's tough to sit back and admire the way they handle an oar.

ScottHar

13 & 14, both absolutely correct.

Just adding another possibility. Doesn't mean wife is bad, it is a natural reaction.

Poverty doesn't equal danger. I think there is more to the story than daughter is telling mom and dad, always is.

14 and 15 I meant

Sorry to hear about your situation. Though it will be hard, both you and your wife need to stay strong and offer support (emotional) to your daughter and be there as needed. "As needed" being the key words. As you keep in touch with your daughter, whether she calls you or you call her (periodically), simply ask how things are going and wish her well. Don't demand, preach, impose on her...sorry if I'm taking an angle like Gringo. Like Gringo, I don't want to upset you, not knowing the whole situation and the relationship between you, your daughter, and the in-laws. Gringo mentions he has further thoughts on the issue, and I can only base what I'm saying from our (my wife's) situation/relationship with her parents. Not to bore you with all the details, but the relationship between my wife (an only child) and her parents, more specifically her mom, is not a good one (which puts me in the situation as well by default). Growing up, my wife's mom, was very controlling to the point of trying to tell her where to go to college ("can't go away to school," etc), and that still goes on today at 35. Now she doesn't like where we send our kids to school (private school) which was, IMO, a turing point downhill in the whole relationship about 3 years ago. She thinks her daughter (my wife) is spoiled, selfish, etc etc...hmmm, she's an only child...didn't her mom have something to do with that in raising her. I don't think she really likes me, based IMO solely on the fact that they come from a blue-collar, minimal lifestyle, and my parents *appear* to have money...forget the fact that my dad is the only one in a long line of family members to run a successful business (without a college degree), while the family she doesn't know, the other 98% of my family, is/was blue-collar, lower-middle income, and "simple" people. She doesn't like the fact we go to church, and the list goes on and on. She still tries to control. I think depression plays a big part in it, and my wife tries very hard to keep an open line of communication with her mom and dad. Basically, her mom doesn't get along with anybody. This is a widespread and generational problem throughout both my wife's dad's and mom's side of the family. Again, I hope your situation is completely different than ours. In a nutshell, if her mom would simply enjoy what she has (i.e. 3 awesome grandkids) and simply enjoyed the company of our family without all the negativity, to see that, yeah, maybe our family is a little spoiled, but we're all happy and healthy, the relationship would be really good, regardless of distance (we're only 4 miles away which is something else she tried to control how far we live), but she can't control her emotions, and most times my wife will get off the phone or leave their house practically in tears (if I'm not there as a buffer) wondering what she can do to make the situation better. Sadly, I tell my wife, there is nothing she can do. All my wife wants is the support and love of her family, whether they think we are making bad decisions or not. Unfortunately, some day, when my kids grow up, I'll be faced with having to "let go" as well, and at that point my roll as a parent will simply to be there when my kids need me. Think of the parable of the prodigal son and what his father did after he squandered his inheritance. Hopefully your daughter keeps in touch, and all you'll have to do is love on her and show her that she is always welcome. Hopefully, the other grandparents will show her a similar love, and let her know to always keep in touch with you and your wife to let you know that things are going ok.

#12...I appreciate your candor, and yes, there might be something she has not told us about, but not out of fear of fault or retribution.

I guess it could have come across as selfish, because there wasn't space, or really need to write an entire book on what has happened. I was really just venting my frustration in regards my wife. I, while being disappointed, know that what must be, must be and I/we will be there if/when needed.

I, think what she is doing is a mistake, but it is her mistake to make and there was/is no animosity between us. When she left, I hugged her, and said "we are here, a phone call away if you need us". She said "I know, and I love you daddy".

I don't think I'm being selfish as regards the in-laws simply because they have been, and are, non-entities in their d/laws and g/sons' lives. I don't think myself better than them, (I am definately worse than many, and better than very few) they just have made no effort to be a part of the equation. There was a period of time (about 18 months I think) when they lived very close, but could never make time to "be there" in their g/sons life. They aren't "bad" people, they just have different priorities.

It is indeed hard to "write" your feelings and emotions and not leave an impression of being rude or cruel. I did not get that impression from what you "said", and getting different reactons may, in fact, give us insight we might otherwise have missed.

duuuude... that sucks bro, sorry to hear that my man