Todd: Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

Rusty: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Cousin Eddie.. "****ters Full "

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary: You have your coat on.

Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark: When have I ever done that?

Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey **** he is. Hallelujah. Holy ****. Where's the Tylenol?

**** was full.

Grandma Nora Griswold: "Sweetheart, your grandma Nora's got a real painful burr on my heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter. Okay?"

Russ: "A quarter"

Grandma Nora: "And, I'll give Audrey a quarter too. Audrey!"

Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the WHOLE year.

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny **** Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of **** this side of the nuthouse.

Drumroll...

cousin eddie at dinner table.........."save the neck for me!"

" Grace? Grace has been dead for years." "No, say grace"

i love this movie.

spot! you roll over and let uncle clark scratch your belly!............

Hey kids, look! A deer!

that theres an RV

Bend over and I'll show you.

Eddie: Don't put none of it on my sled Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?

Clark: How could I forget it?

Eddie: I had to have it replaced because whenever Catherine revved-up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for 1/2 an hour or so. Over at the VA they replaced it with a plastic one and it ain't as strong. I don't think I oughta be sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Ed?

Hey Griz.....since youre not doing anything constructive.....run into the living room and get my stoogie