for Reaching Around the Aisle.

Always Groping for Solutions, Staffers Say

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Providing some pushback to the criticism he has suffered over the past week, colleagues of former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) praised him today, with one Republican staffer saying, “Congressman Massa was always eager to reach around the aisle.”

Tracy Klugian, the GOP congressional aide who offered that defense, said that Rep. Massa “could always be counted on to grope for solutions.”

Mr. Klugian described Rep. Massa as a tireless worker: "He might be taking a shower with his staff, but he was still keeping an eye on things the whole time."

As for his legislative style, Mr. Klugian said, “No matter how ticklish the fight became, Eric was always very hands-on. He would grab a problem by the balls and not let go.”

In a related story, the Bureau of Labor Statistics said the number of Americans making cheap jokes about Rep. Massa rose to 48.5 million this week.

“I think the country’s new obsession with Rep. Massa is a very positive development,” said golfer Tiger Woods.

IF YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE REAL AUTHOR, DON'T ACCUSE ME OF MAKING BELIEVE I CLAIM CREDIT. I DON'T

The original story stood on its own for being flat-out weird.

rick

Congrats on including the citation and not claiming this as your own work.

3. Author: donutboy2000

that was nice of you. take a lollipop from the glass jar on the way out.

Massa did well.

Times

1 S. Vettel Red Bull 1:54.101

2 F. Massa Ferrari 1:54.242

3 F. Alonso Ferrari 1:54.608

4 L. Hamilton McLaren 1:55.217

5 N. Rosberg Mercedes Grand Prix 1:55.241

6 M. Webber Red Bull 1:55.284

7 M. Schumacher Mercedes Grand Prix 1:55.524

8 J. Button McLaren 1:55.672

9 R. Kubica Renault 1:55.885

10 A. Sutil Force India F1 1:56.309

11 R. Barrichello Williams 1:55.330

12 V. Liuzzi Force India F1 1:55.653

13 N. Hulkenberg Williams 1:55.857

14 P. de la Rosa Sauber 1:56.237

15 S. Buemi Scuderia Toro Rosso 1:56.265

16 K. Kobayashi Sauber 1:56.270

17 V. Petrov Renault 1:56.619

18 J. Alguersuari Scuderia Toro Rosso 1:57.071

19 T. Glock Virgin Racing 1:59.728

20 J. Trulli Lotus F1 1:59.852

21 H. Kovalainen Lotus F1 2:00.313

22 L. Di Grassi Virgin Racing 2:00.587

23 B. Senna HRT F1 Team 2:03.240

(\BB/)

(;’..’;)

(")_(")

Pinch me i think i'm dreaming

Saturday's outing was Massa's first qualifying experience since his horrific Hungarian qualifying accident in June last year. However, the Brazilian showed no signs of being troubled by the memories.

He put his F60 up into second place on the grid, 0.141s behind pole-sitter Sebastian Vettel. But perhaps more importantly, he was a comfortable 0.3 ahead of his new Ferrari team-mate and double World Champ Fernando Alonso.

"First of all, congratulations to Sebastian who did a great job for first race of the season," said Massa. "It is nice to be back racing and competitive in the right direction. I feel happy to be back after such a difficult time.

"I was watching races on TV but it's more exciting to be in the car. I am in a good direction, testing, driving go-karts, so it's great to be back for racing.

"If you look what happened to us, it is a good start for us. I feel very positive to start in second and third, it feels great. For sure Red Bull and some teams are strong, so the race will be difficult but I am happy here to be fighting for top."

Looking ahead to Sunday's grand prix, the Ferrari driver is confident that the Scuderia have a car that will be competitive under heavy-fuelled conditions.

"I think we did a good job yesterday to prepare for a long distance," he added. "We used both tyres and swapped tyres on the long runs. I think we are in the right direction so let's see how we are going to be in the race tomorrow.

"There are many things that will happen in the race, let's wait and see but I am really optimistic."

citation planetf1

Results

1 F. Alonso Ferrari 1:39:20.396

2 F. Massa Ferrari + 16.099

3 L. Hamilton McLaren + 23.182

4 S. Vettel Red Bull + 38.799

5 N. Rosberg Mercedes Grand Prix + 40.213

6 M. Schumacher Mercedes Grand Prix + 44.163

7 J. Button McLaren + 45.280

8 M. Webber Red Bull + 46.360

9 V. Liuzzi Force India F1 + 53.008

10 R. Barrichello Williams + 1:02.489

11 R. Kubica Renault + 1:09.093

12 A. Sutil Force India F1 + 1:22.958

13 J. Alguersuari Scuderia Toro Rosso + 1:32.656

14 N. Hulkenberg Williams + 1 lap(s)

15 H. Kovalainen Lotus F1 + 2 lap(s)

16 J. Trulli Lotus F1 + 3 lap(s

Did not finish

17 S. Buemi Scuderia Toro Rosso + 3 lap(s)

18 P. de la Rosa Sauber + 21 lap(s)

19 B. Senna HRT F1 Team + 32 lap(s)

20 T. Glock Virgin Racing + 33 lap(s)

21 V. Petrov Renault + 36 lap(s)

22 K. Kobayashi Sauber + 38 lap(s)

23 L. Di Grassi Virgin Racing + 46 lap(s)

24 K. Chandhok HRT F1 Team + 47 lap(s)