I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

I'm confused..........

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Cooking my own meals is be an adventure, not a punishment.

I don't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I can actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'm painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I can show my girlfriend where I live.

The only weeds I'm concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

Ihave saved $372,416.21 in groceries.

I don't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I get to see what my credit cards look like.

I can see a different face when I wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I don't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I come home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I can use my own name at hotels.

I don't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

It's the angry woman thread.

Letter frum oone-a 'Ungry Vumun'

I dun't knoo vhu vrute-a it boot zeey shuoold hefe-a seegned it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Sume-a pooerffool vurds. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thees vumun shuoold roon fur preseedent. Um de hur de hur de hur.

Vreettee by a huoosooeeffe-a frum Noo Jersey und suoonds leeke-a it! Thees is oone-a teecked ooffff ledy. Bork bork bork!

'Ere-a ve-a feeghting a ver oon terrur oor eren't ve-a? Ves it oor ves it nut sterted by Islemeec peuple-a vhu bruooght it tu oooor shures oon September 11, 2001?

Vere-a peuple-a frum ell oofer zee vurld, mustly Emereecuns, nut brootelly moordered thet dey, in doontoon Munhettun , ecruss zee Putumec frum oooor neshun's cepeetul und in a feeeld in Pennsylfuneea?

Deed nea rly three-a thuoosund mee, vumee und cheeldree deee-a a hurreeble-a, boorneeng oor croosheeng deet thet dey, oor deedn't zeey?

Und I'm sooppused tu cere-a thet a cupy ooff zee Kurun ves 'desecreted' vhee un oofervurked Emereecun suldeeer keecked it oor gut it vet?...Vell, I dun't. Um de hur de hur de hur. I dun't cere-a et ell.

I'll stert cereeng vhee Oosema been Ledee toorns heemselff in und repents fur inceenereting ell thuse-a innucent peuple-a oon 9/11.

I'll cere-a ebuoot zee Kurun vhee zee funeteecs in zee Meeddle-a Iest stert cereeng ebuoot zeeHuly Beeble-a, zee mere-a pussesseeun ooff vheech is a creeme-a in Soodee Erebeea

0A

I'll cere-a vhee zeese-a thoogs t ill zee vurld zeey ere-a surry fur chuppeeng ooffff Neeck Berg's heed vheele-a Berg screemed thruoogh hees goorgleeng sleshed thruet. Um de hur de hur de hur.

I'll cere-a vhee zee cooerdly su-celled 'eensoorgents' in Ireq cume-a oooot und feeght leeke-a mee insteed ooff deesrespecting zeeur oovn releegiun by heeding in musqooes. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

I'll cere-a vhee zee meendless zeeluts vhu bloo zeemselfes up in seerch ooff nurfuna cere-a ebuoot zee innucent cheeldree veethin runge-a ooff zeeur sooeecide-a .

I'll cere-a vhee zee Emereecun medeea stups pretendeeng thet zeeur Furst Emendment leeberties ere-a sumehoo dereefed frum interneshunel lev insteed ooff zee Uneeted Stetes Cunsteetooshun'sBill ooff Reeghts. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

0A

In zee meunteeme-a, vhee I heer a stury ebuoot a brefe-a mereene-a ruoogheeng up un Ireqee terrureest tu oobteeen inffurmeshun, knoo thees: I dun't cere-a.

Vhee I see-a a foozzy phutu ooff a peele-a ooff neked Ireqee preesuners vhu hefe-a beee hoomeelieted in vhet emuoonts tu a cullege-a-hezeeng inceedent, rest essoored: I dun't cere-a.

Vhee I see-a a vuoonded terrureest get shut in zee heed vhee he-a is tuld nut tu mufe-a becoose-a he-a meeght be-a buuby-trepped, yuoo cun teke-a it tu zee bunk: I dun't cere-a.

Vhee I heer thet a preesuner, vhu ves issooed a Kurun und a preyer met, und fed 'speceeel' fuud thet is peeed fur b y my tex dullers, is cumpleeening thet hees huly buuk is beeeng 'meeshundled,' yuoo cun ebsulootely beleeefe-a in yuoor heert ooff heerts: I dun't cere-a.

Und ooh, by zee vey, I'fe-a nuteeced thet sumeteemes it's spelled 'Kurun' und oozeer teemes 'Qoorun.' Vell, Jeemmy Creck Curn und-yuoo gooessed it-I dun't cere-a!!

Iff yuoo egree-a veet thees feeoopuint, pess thees oon tu ell yuoor I-meeel freeends. Um gesh dee bork, bork!. Suuner oor leter, it'll get tu zee peuple-a respunseeble-a fur thees reedicooluoos behefeeur!

Iff yuoo dun't egree-a, zeen by ell meuns heet zee delete-a boottun. Bork bork bork! Shuoold yuoo chuuse-a zee letter, zeen pleese-a dun't cumpleeen vhee mure-a etruceeties cummeetted by redeecel Moosleems heppee here-a in oooor greet Cuoontry! Und mey I edd:

'Sume-a peuple-a spend un inture-a leeffetime-a vundereeng iff zeey mede-a a deefffference-a in zee vurld. Bork bork bork! Boot, zee Mereenes dun't hefe-a thet prublem' -- Runeld Reegun

I hefe-a unuzeer qooute-a thet I vuoold leeke-a tu edd END.......I hupe-a yuoo furverd ell thees. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

'Iff ve-a ifer furget thet ve're-a Oone-a Neshun Unde-a r Gud, zeen ve-a veell be-a a neshun gune-a under' Elsu by. Bork bork bork!. Runeld Reegun

Oone-a lest thuooght fur zee dey:

In cese-a ve-a feend oooorselfes sterteeng tu beleeefe-a ell zee Untee-Emereecun senteement und negeteefity, ve-a shuoold remember Inglund 's Preeme-a Meenister Tuny Bleur's vurds dooreeng a recent interfeeoo. Vhee esked by oone-a ooff hees Perleeement members vhy he-a beleeefes su mooch in Emereeca , he-a seeed: 'A seemple-a vey tu teke-a meesoore-a ooff a cuoontry is tu luuk et hoo muny vunt in. Bork bork bork!. Und hoo muny vunt oooot. Um de hur de hur de hur.'

Oonly tvu deffeening furces hefe-a ifer ooffffered tu deee-a fur yuoo:

1. Jesoos Chreest

2. Zee Emereecun G. I.

Oone-a deeed fur yuoor suool, zee oozeer fur yuoor freedum.

YOOo MIGHT VENT TO PESS THIS OoN,

ES MENY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OoF THEM.