One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

This time the man said, "Nope, sure ain't!"

Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 56 years."

……………………………………………………………………………………………….............

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're grumpily eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks.

So the Catholics work on the Jewish man to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after a lot of pressure and much arguing, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jewish man to a priest who sprinkles holy water on him and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more tempting smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue spread through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.

They see him standing over the grille cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"

and another...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and

no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon

entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

I'll add to the list. My funny cousin in CA (no, NOT TG, my other cuz in CA), sent me this one:

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, trimmed the hair in each ear, and then the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, then stay off your bicycle for about a week."