ORIGINAL LETTER:
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever.
First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate
myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world,
you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any
way.
There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try
other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink,
and I did a stupid thing.
I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even
handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us,
what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It
is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.
The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed.
I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that
you didn't.
I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is
something that we can deal with.
I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a
significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my
behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct.
I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your
friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not.
I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I
just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst
thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the
ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind
and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.
Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses
are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them
that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I
seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes
that
it was not that and you are not done with me.
Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because
you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span,
or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F *ck him"
somehow gave you a clean slate.
So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you
yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings
for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
person, they just think you're the average run of the mill ****-guzzling
blond
who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I
could be wrong but it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who
comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone
else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone
who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut
is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.
The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the
young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday,
we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in aerobics class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching
sea lions mate.
Just thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
