1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink .

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...

It's called a Wedding Cake.

13 - Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

[-x

98.2% of men will lose hearing in their right ear first. Think about that...while you're driving...and you're wife is in the passenger's seat....

1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.

2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.

3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.

4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.Be right back.~Cooter.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got all of her clothes back.

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick pervert.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

We so need a "LIKE" button.

Ron