sorry if this has appeared before...

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..

~ George Brett

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.

~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

~ Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

~ Kevin Costner

6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes

later with a ham on rye.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

~ Brian Weis

9. Swing hard in case you hit it.

~ Dan Marino

10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

~ Jack Benny

12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the

ground.

~ Ben Hogan

13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

~ Jack Nicklaus

14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

~ H. G. Wells

15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

~ Billy Graham

16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

~ Bob Hope

17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives.

Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

~ Lee Trevino

20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

~ Lee Trevino

ttt

golfer's second shot hit a tree and then his head....guy dies and goes to heaven....st peter says"wow, you're a lousy golfer"....man replies "what do you mean? i got here in two didn't I"

I have never played a single round of golf. Honestly, I have no desire to.

I am way too competitive to play a game that I could never win.

Love the game.....just hate mine.My favorite quip while playing is simply "f*#k".....generally on every hole.

Ron

What's the difference between a guy hitting a bad tee shot and a guy skydiving with a faulty parachute ?

The guy hitting the bad tee shot goes . . . "WHACK, OH SCHIT." 🤦

Young Lady: Doctor, I was stung by a bee while playing golf this morning.

Doctor: Where exactly were you stung?

Young Lady: Between the first and second holes.

Doctor: Well, your stance is too wide.

I quit golf and took up heroin. Cheaper and less habit forming.

My company sponsored a Senior Tour for a few years back in the 80's. I think it was a Pro/Am...

It was a blast to meet and party with all my dad's golf hero's, Palmer, Nicholas, Chi Chi.

It was funny to stand there with Arnie and Jack, beer bottles in hand reviewing the days scores, they were making fun of each others as well as all the other players.